Dear Target:
I will be shopping in your store on December 24th from 4PM to approximately 6PM. I would much appreciate it if you would limit store occupancy during that time to 100 occupants or less. While I normally prefer far fewer people sharing my shopping experience, I do realize that you have a business to run and am willing to compromise. I will, however, require a dedicated register and register attendant at all times. Also, if your people could do a quick clean-up of all the aisles before I arrive, I would be most appreciative. This will most likely require closing an hour before my scheduled arrival, but I think you'll find that the time spent organizing will much enhance my shopping experience and be well worth your time spent. Don't forget the bathrooms! Finally, I will require an additional 20% discount off your already low prices because, really, your prices aren't as low as I would expect. Thank you for your attention to these matters. I look forward to shopping with you on the 24th.
With warm regards,
Chicken
Dear Butterball,
While we very much enjoyed our Butterball Turkey this year, I have a suggestion that will improve next Thanksgiving's roasting experience. At least for me. It will make no impact on the experience of anyone else in my household because, collectively, they contributed nothing in terms of labor, and therefore have no need of improvement. In fact, I'd say their experience was pretty optimal, on the whole.
Anyway. Back to me. What I really could have used this year was a built in thermometer that pops out when the turkey is done. It would be really cool if it could also be waving a little US of America flag. That's what you call brand enhancement, right there. You can use that idea for free. You are welcome. I do realize that there is a probably a cost attached to outfitting all these turkeys with built in thermometers and that you probably, in this economy, are trying to keep your costs down so as to help more people afford turkeys. That is nice of you, but I need that thermometer so that I do not have to interrupt my tweeting to run back and forth, from computer to oven, checking temperatures. That's a lot more exercise than I really
need want, even if it is Thanksgiving.
So I put on my thinking cap. You know, the tall, pointy one that used to say "Dunce" until I changed it because I'm not a dunce, I just need to think more? That's what my mom says, anyway. And I had an idea. How about if you genetically modify your turkeys so that they grow their own internal thermometer? Yeah, then you won't have to insert one during the processing stage. Or maybe you could just slip a little mercury and some plastic into their feed, and the whole thing will probably take care of itself. Just give me a call if you want any more great ideas. I have them all the time.
Sincerely yours,
Chicken
P.S. By the way, you could also lose the organs and neck. Who wants to reach into a body cavity and pull out a bag of organs and necks? Only old people living in the mid-west, that's who. Because they still make that giblet gravy, or cook it and feed it to their cats. Because of the depression, I know. But the rest of us think it is pretty gross. You could sell it directly to the cat food company, and they could process it so that the old people living in the mid-west wouldn't have to cook it for their cats to prevent it from going to waste. They could just buy it from Fancy Feast.
Dear Fancy Feast:
You're in! You owe me one.
Later,
Chicken
Dear Kendall Jackson:
Sweetie, it's me, it's not you. You have to stop stalking me like this. Stop calling after me as I walk by your shelf. I need a break. Time to think clearly without your tropical fruit flavors and oak overtones clouding my mind. No, I haven't taken up with Clos du Bois. We are just friends. You were always my best guy, KJ. It is just that your alliance with marlboro is killing me. I would never ask you to stop hanging out with him, but he and I have become estranged recently, and seeing you just reminds me of him. Sure, maybe in the years to come we can get back together for a laugh or two, but for now I just can't see you anymore. Try to understand, ok? I'll always love you, KJ. Stay sweet.
Love Chicken
Dear Marlboro,
You suck. You were hot once. You had me fooled. I really thought you were a cowboy. Now you are just dead to me.
Hugs,
Chicken
Dear Santa,
Hiiiiiiiiii! How are you? How was your Thanksgiving? How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer. Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?
Question: How good is good? I mean, could you clarify? Because I am confused. Are we talking Mother Theresa good? Princess Di good? There's a sizeable gap there, I'm sure you'll agree. And then there's the rest of us. I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up. Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites.
So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be. Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop stepping on spiders? If they are in the house, can I still step on them? Should I go to church more? Or can I just stop calling my husband a dickhead when he makes me mad? Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party? I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word, aren't there? It really is quite subjective, Santa. Maybe an online list would help me with your expectations. And a follow-up online quiz would be great for all of us, just so that we know where we stand. For instance:
1. How many people did you maim or kill outright in 2010?
a. none
b. 2 or less
c. more than 2
d. a lot
e. all of the above
2. How often did you steal in 2010
a. I never steal
b. 2 or less times
c. More than two times
d. a lot
e. None of the above
3. How often did you lie in 2010 (does not include white lies)
a. I never lie
b. I only tell white lies
c. Whenever it seemed necessary
d. I always lie just for fun
e. Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active
etc.
And then you could have a grading system, see? People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes. People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%. People who mostly circle D. get coal. Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont. You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for. They won't know the difference. Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
XOXOXO
Chicken
