Random Chicken Thoughts

Hi World,

Surprise!

You know how sometimes you get that little blogger tingle?  When you know you have a great post idea and everyone is going to love it?  It is practically already written in your head, you just need to get it down on paper (so to speak)?

This is not one of those posts.

This is a thumb-twiddling post brought about by a day when all my co-workers happen to be on vacation.  This is a recording of every random thought I had today that I can remember.  But if you read through to the end there are pictures of our vacation.  No Cheating!

1.  7:00AM:  If littleb sleeps 10 more minutes I can read five more pages.....so therefore....sleeping toddler X 10 min=5 pages=10/5=2. Two what?  That makes no frickin sense, Chicken....

2.  7:10AM:  Trader Joe French Roast is much cheaper than Starbucks French Roast but tastes like....Roast Kill....hahahaha.  (Better stick to Trader Joe Iced Tea which is excellent)

3.  8:00AM:  I don't have to bring littleb to daycare today because BigB is doing it, can I get an Amen!

4.  8:40AM:  If I spend the first hour of work reading articles which are all related to my industry, does that still make me a slacker?

5.  8:41AM:  Magic 8 Ball says.....Definitely not.

6.  8:42AM:  Is this my lucky day since Magic 8 Ball agrees with me?  For once?

7.  8:45AM:  Should buy lottery ticket.

8.  8:46AM:  Chicken, you think every day is your lucky day.  Get a life. 

9.  10:45AM:  Five consecutive articles claim that creative people will rule the 21rst century.

10.  10:46AM:  Hey!  I'm creative! 

11.  10:47AM:  Or am I overly attracted to articles that mention the word "creative"?

12.  10:48AM:  I should get some work done!

13.  11:50AM:  How come X, who says he can't remember what was just said to him and makes me write it down is considered saavy, brilliant, and "on the mark", and I, who share that very same quality , am considered flaky. hmmm.

14.  11:51AM:  Oh yeah, X is busy thinking about IPOs, SaaSs and a bunch of other acronyms.  I consult the Magic 8 Ball and can't remember what all the acronyms stand for. 

15.  12:00PM:  Afternoon Delight.  Peanut butter.  Yay.

16.  12:10 PM:  I like herbs.  I wonder if I was a witch in a past life?

17.  12:11PM:  Nah. If that was it, I'd be paranoid about fire.

18.  12:30PM:  I wish there was someone here to talk to. 

19.  12:32PM:  Hey, I should take one of those classes on influential speaking. Must research.

20.  1:20PM:  GG is trapped in a dungeon with old books and a bunch of spiders and she THINKS they are friendly.

21.  1:21PM:  Must. Save. GG.  Spiders are bad.

22.  1:23PM:  GG.  Walk towards the light.....Do Not Trust Those Spiders!!!

23.  2:00PM:  I've seen elastic band balls before but how do you start one?

24.  2:01PM:  Oh, look.  I have all these elastic bands.

25.  2:10PM:  Starting an elastic band ball is really much harder than you would think.

26..  2:13PM:  I'm going to make the best, the biggest, most colorful elastic band ball ever!!!!

27.  2:15PM:  Must email all my friends and let them know.

28.  2:30PM:  What?  You people think I am joking????

29.  2:34PM:  I love spreadsheets. 

30.  4:00PM:  So....I didn't have to drop littleb off today and that means....I have to pick him up.  Yikes.  I gotta get out of here. 

31.  5:00PM:  Must go to grocery.  What?  Free doughnuts?  littleb it is our lucky day!!! Must buy lottery ticket!!!

32.  5:10PM:  Is watermelon a vegetable or a fruit?

33.  6:00PM:  Watermelon for dinner.  Yay!

34. 8:40 PM:  Teenager who lives in the basement, I love you, but why come you are cleaning dishes now when I am trying to get littleb to sleep????

35.  9:00PM:  Buses at night, when they are all lit up, look like time travel machines. 

36:  9:30PM:  S, I love you, but do I have to look at all your vacation pictures right now? 

37.  9:40PM:  Ok, S, I love your vacation pictures....they are awesome....I'm going to look at them while I have wine.

38:  10:00PM:  Where did the day go?

38.  11:00PM:  Whatever happened to those little troll dolls with the hair that stood straight up.  They were cute. 

39:  11:10PM:  Must blog

40:  1:30AM:  Can't leave just 39 thoughts.  Must have even number. 

41:  Scientists say that odd numbers are more attractive.  Hmmm.  Would you like to see some vacation pictures?
 

Small Town Girls 1981-I managed to control my chardonnay intake, thus the absence of eyeshadow and prom dresses  (that took place later)

This is littleb with my old friend Lucy.

Here are some cousins having fun (Teenager WLITB is there on the left)

Here is littleB at BigB's family reunion

More Cousins!

We did some frog hunting....

Trolled a water park...

There was a fair amount of laughter with good old friends...

Random thought number 42.  GG don't kill me!!  GG.  How could I not publish the Chicken vacation highlight?  Friends for 30 years?  Finally some live footage? 

Here's me and my Dad, who prefers to remain mysterious

And here's the view in my hometown

Thanks for staying until the end.  You are a trooper!

Chicken out

If You Give a Chicken a Glass of Chardonnay...

Hi World:

If you give a Chicken a glass of Chardonnay, she will probably want another.  Sooner than you think.

If you give her another glass of Chardonnay, she will remember how she used to smoke and how lovely cigarettes and Chardonnay went together.  And she will ask you for a cigarette.

So you will drive her to the store where she can get a pack of life-lived-short.  While she is waiting in line she will notice the chips and feel hungry.  She will load up your arms with three kinds of dip, potato chips, corn chips, doritos and cheese curls.  Then, just in case, she'll throw in another bottle of Chardonnay.

And if you buy her the cigarettes, the munchies, and the wine, hold on to your hat.  It is going to be a long night. 

On the way home the song "Don't Stop Believin'" circa 1981 will come on your radio and she will yell, "This is my FAVORITE song.  She will roll down your windows, turn up the volume and sing.  Loudly.

Then, feeling young because of Journey circa 1981, she will stick her head out of your sky roof and yell, with no particular connection but much passion, "I love you Bruce!!!".  When she comes back inside the car her hair will look like it did in 1981.

And that will remind her of blue eye shadow and cute boys. And she will want some.

At the next stop light, she will happen to look back and notice a convertible full of cute boys.  She will have her head out of the sun roof , just about to invite them back to your place, when you will pull her back down and remind her firmly that she is no longer 18.  Thank God for you.

This will, however, remind her that once she was 18, and she will want to go to your place to look at your old high school yearbook.  There, amongst the cornchips and dip and Chardonnay, she will be hit by a tsunami of nostalgia.  She might weep a little.  And she will want to get dressed up in old prom dresses.

Once you are both dressed in old prom dresses and blue eye shadow, she will want to take a picture.  So you'll go find your camera and snap a picture of you both. 

While you load it onto her facebook page, she will decide that she NEEDS to hear "Stairway to Heaven", your prom song, and will search frantically through all of your old cassettes. She won't find it because that song kind of stunk, but she will find "Jesse's Girl" and will once again proclaim, "This is my FAVORITE song" while singing loudly and out of tune with traces of orange cheese curl powder around her mouth.

Not pretty.  And you've been patient enough.  You will suggest watching "Flashdance".  Chicken will be all for it.  But first, she will need to rip up one of your sweatshirts and put on a lobster bib.

And chances are, if you give her a sweatshirt and watch Flashdance, she is going to ask for another glass of Chardonnay.

For GG and all my old HS friends.  Looking forward to visiting home.

Chicken out...

Chicken Revelation: Girls Do It, Women Do it, Why oh Why Don’t Squirrels…..?

Hi World:

The other morning I was sitting in my backyard with my feet up and a fresh hot cup of black coffee on hand. It was sunny and hot. I had my eyes closed and my face tilted toward the sun. I resembled, a little bit, our lizard, the Wizard. Except I was much happier than Wizard because I was outside on a sunny day lounging in the sun, not in a crappy, smelly cage with pieces of cricket carcasses all around me.

Then again, maybe the Wizard is quite happy. I do not know. I’m not a Wizard Whisperer.

Anyway….I was lounging happily, tossing bits of muffin to a friendly little squirrel, and I was thinking about God’s infinite wisdom. The way we are all put together, woman, man, beast, plant. We all have our systems, and those systems are so nuanced and intricate, yet hardy, and given proper sustenance, we all thrive; children grow, tomatoes grow, kittens grow, tadpoles grow, and caterpillars become butterflies in their amazing transformation.

Thinking about the butterflies got me thinking about pregnancy and the whole female reproduction system. We female mammals can grow babies in our bellies and then give birth to them in a method that would seemingly be impossible but is somehow possible and beautiful. Us women are built for that, whether human, cats, dogs, or whales. God is so benevolent. In so many ways, I thought, I’m just like that squirrel over there. Assuming that squirrel is a girl squirrel.

And that is when the discrepancy suddenly hit me…

That squirrel has never had a period!

Why are we human females the only species of females that have monthly periods? Why do we have the singular honor each month of bloating, bleeding, cramping, and being so full of bitterness and bile that we can’t even stand our selves!

Why are we the only ones that will unfailingly find ourselves somewhere without a bathroom or a tampon when we most need one.

Why are we the only ones that A) have spouses and B) want to kill them once each month over a three day stretch?

Why aren’t WE allowed to eat our young and get away with it on those days when we’ve quite simply had enough? Rats can do it. But do rats have to cart around an extra 30% of their body weight every 28 days? Noooo.

Do you see dogs and cats getting bloated and bitchy and experiencing embarrassing accidents?

Can you imagine how many tampons a nurse whale would require a day? And what size they’d have to be? If whales needed tampons, we probably could have plugged that oil leak in no time!

Can you imagine what might happen if a grizzly or an elephant had PMS?

I had been looking at that girl squirrel thinking, “You know, Girl Squirrel, you and I are all part of the same sisterhood, aren’t we? We’re all the same on the inside."

But we’re not, as it turns out. So I said, "The sisterhood is over, Squirrel. Get off my land and you can leave that muffin RIGHT there, bitch."

Let the PMS begin.

Chicken out