Hi World,
It is Fun Friday, Follow Friday, and all those other fun "F" words. So here is one of my favorite new videos except I do not believe it is that new since Teenager Who Lives In the Basement cannot believe I've never heard of Epic Rap Battles. But whatever.
I give you...
Shakespeare vs. Dr. Seuss
Who do you think won? I can't decide. Shakespeare is fast, but the Dr. is a favorite in my house. I think Thing One & Two might have given him an edge.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Chicken Got Mail or Fan Folly, depending on your perception
Hi World,
Guess what? Huh? Huh?
No, guess!
No, George Clooney did not marry me, he married some other chick, according to Joann Mannix. I know, the resemblence is uncanny.
Alright (rolling eyes) I will tell you. I got mail! Yes! Someone, in an apparently desperate attempt to revive Chicken's flagging career as prolific blogger, actually asked me, Chicken, for advice. Oh the folly. Shakespeare would have a field day.
But me? I'm just wildly flattered. And of course, I have answers. Not only do I have answers, but so does Pearl Annabelle LaFleur. Just this one time, I'm going to post both our answers on this page, but going forward (because I know, based on this audition, that you all will have questions), we will post my advice on this page and Pearl's advice on her page. Two opinions for the price of one and they are both free! And, ah, you know, right, about the tongue/cheek ratio?
First, Lived La Vida Loco writes:
I was cleaning out the spare room yesterday, and came across pictures from my college days. Said pictures present me living my college life to its fullest. Suffice to say, it's not a path I wish my progeny to pursue. Should I shred the pictures or pray that they keep hidden away until after both have acquired their MBA's?
Signed,
(Therapist note: Progeny? WTF is progeny? It is totally obvious to me that LLVL learned some good words in college, if nothing else, and for that, he/she should be commended.)
Dear Lived La Vida Loco:
Yes, I see your problem. I have some questions I must ask. First of all, do you have any tattoos, and if so, where are they located? Second, what are "progeny"? Do they have anything at all to do with parents? Because, generally, I believe that parents are better off not knowing what you were up to while they were paying for your college education. The ones they may not have had access to. And I have to ask, why are you still living with your parents and where are they going to school? Are you paying for it? Is that why you are so concerned? At any rate, a little la vida loco never hurts the old folk. I say order a case of hurricane mix, throw in some mardi gras beads, and throw a themed keg party in their honor. Hope this helps.
And now, Pearl's advice:
Chicken, first of all, quit with the tattoo questions. Not everyone has your obsession with tattoos. Second of all, this reader presents with a legitimate concern. Use your dictionary, Chicken. Finally, obviously, this is a female writer. How many former frat boys do you know with shoeboxes of evidence hidden in their house? Or any concern whatsoever that it might be discovered? Just sayin'.
And LLVL, what were you thinking asking Chicken for advice? Have you seen her graduation picture? Here it is:
Notice anything? Yes, Chicken was absent on picture day. She was living a little La Vida Loca her own damn self. She was probably out getting her right breast tattooed.
But lucky for you, Old Pearl is here, Honey, to help you adjust to No Vida Loca Ever (NVLE) status. Here's what you will need to deal with this situation:
First, take the rosary, the bible, the photo and a copy of your degree. Put them in a battered shoe box marked with your graduation year and labeled "Top Secret". Leave in an obvious location, like the top right hand corner of your closet. Next, gather all incriminating evidence and hope to hell your kids ain't as nosy as Chicken's because otherwise, you've been found out, fool.
Second, either set up your campfire or call Switzerland to find out how to get one of them top secret security box accounts like you see in the movies. I definitely recommend the campfire, because then the fun just keeps on coming. Take your beverage of choice and your incriminating evidence out to the campfire. Pour a drink and toast those photos one at a time. Relive each photo before watching it go up in flames (just like your youth!).
When you are done, write down a few alternate memories in a fake journal, as an additional distraction from the truth device. Consider it a memoir of what might have been, if you hadn't been busy surfing cars an' boys, and listening to the devil's music and whatnot.
Then what you do is you toast some marshmallows and your childrens' futures, knowing your past is beyond progenic inspection, providing you don't tell campfire stories; or talk in your sleep; or have a husband who talks in his sleep; or have parents who talk whenever they feel like it just for fun and revenge. Yeah, that last one's the bitch.
Good luck LLVL. Just know that one day you'll have grandchildren and then? All the fun begins again.
Love,
Pearl
Guess what? Huh? Huh?
No, guess!
No, George Clooney did not marry me, he married some other chick, according to Joann Mannix. I know, the resemblence is uncanny.
Alright (rolling eyes) I will tell you. I got mail! Yes! Someone, in an apparently desperate attempt to revive Chicken's flagging career as prolific blogger, actually asked me, Chicken, for advice. Oh the folly. Shakespeare would have a field day.
But me? I'm just wildly flattered. And of course, I have answers. Not only do I have answers, but so does Pearl Annabelle LaFleur. Just this one time, I'm going to post both our answers on this page, but going forward (because I know, based on this audition, that you all will have questions), we will post my advice on this page and Pearl's advice on her page. Two opinions for the price of one and they are both free! And, ah, you know, right, about the tongue/cheek ratio?
First, Lived La Vida Loco writes:
Dear Chicken,
I was cleaning out the spare room yesterday, and came across pictures from my college days. Said pictures present me living my college life to its fullest. Suffice to say, it's not a path I wish my progeny to pursue. Should I shred the pictures or pray that they keep hidden away until after both have acquired their MBA's?
Signed,
Lived La Vida Loco
(Therapist note: Progeny? WTF is progeny? It is totally obvious to me that LLVL learned some good words in college, if nothing else, and for that, he/she should be commended.)
Dear Lived La Vida Loco:
Yes, I see your problem. I have some questions I must ask. First of all, do you have any tattoos, and if so, where are they located? Second, what are "progeny"? Do they have anything at all to do with parents? Because, generally, I believe that parents are better off not knowing what you were up to while they were paying for your college education. The ones they may not have had access to. And I have to ask, why are you still living with your parents and where are they going to school? Are you paying for it? Is that why you are so concerned? At any rate, a little la vida loco never hurts the old folk. I say order a case of hurricane mix, throw in some mardi gras beads, and throw a themed keg party in their honor. Hope this helps.
Chicken
And now, Pearl's advice:
Chicken, first of all, quit with the tattoo questions. Not everyone has your obsession with tattoos. Second of all, this reader presents with a legitimate concern. Use your dictionary, Chicken. Finally, obviously, this is a female writer. How many former frat boys do you know with shoeboxes of evidence hidden in their house? Or any concern whatsoever that it might be discovered? Just sayin'.
And LLVL, what were you thinking asking Chicken for advice? Have you seen her graduation picture? Here it is:
Notice anything? Yes, Chicken was absent on picture day. She was living a little La Vida Loca her own damn self. She was probably out getting her right breast tattooed.
But lucky for you, Old Pearl is here, Honey, to help you adjust to No Vida Loca Ever (NVLE) status. Here's what you will need to deal with this situation:
- a rosary
- a bible
- a photo of you at bible camp
- a camp fire
- or a high security mailbox (think Switzerland)
- A copy of your college diploma and subsequent degrees, if possible
- A bottle of vodka or suitable substitute
- All the ingredients for s'mores (optional)
First, take the rosary, the bible, the photo and a copy of your degree. Put them in a battered shoe box marked with your graduation year and labeled "Top Secret". Leave in an obvious location, like the top right hand corner of your closet. Next, gather all incriminating evidence and hope to hell your kids ain't as nosy as Chicken's because otherwise, you've been found out, fool.
Second, either set up your campfire or call Switzerland to find out how to get one of them top secret security box accounts like you see in the movies. I definitely recommend the campfire, because then the fun just keeps on coming. Take your beverage of choice and your incriminating evidence out to the campfire. Pour a drink and toast those photos one at a time. Relive each photo before watching it go up in flames (just like your youth!).
When you are done, write down a few alternate memories in a fake journal, as an additional distraction from the truth device. Consider it a memoir of what might have been, if you hadn't been busy surfing cars an' boys, and listening to the devil's music and whatnot.
Then what you do is you toast some marshmallows and your childrens' futures, knowing your past is beyond progenic inspection, providing you don't tell campfire stories; or talk in your sleep; or have a husband who talks in his sleep; or have parents who talk whenever they feel like it just for fun and revenge. Yeah, that last one's the bitch.
Good luck LLVL. Just know that one day you'll have grandchildren and then? All the fun begins again.
Love,
Pearl
 |
| Don't let your kids see this Chicken out |
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Fashion is a Two Faced Bitch
Hi World,
You look great! Have you lost weight?
With Labor Day right around the corner, you may be wondering what fashion must haves you should be stocking up on for fall. Well, I've taken some time to peruse the latest fashion mags, and have put together this short synopsis which I'm sure you will find clears things up a bit.
My dears, for fall, straight legs are in. Unless you like flares, because they are also in. And bootleg? So hot right now. Oooh, and don't forget to stock up on boyfriend jeans for weekend tailgate parties.
Wear your straight legs with cute ballerina flats. Or heels. Or sandals. Or boots: Short boots, riding boots, cowboy boots, slouchy boots, thigh-high boots, motorcycle boots or cement boots. Whatever.
Long skirts? In! Wear them pleated or pencil skirted. But you know what is also in? Metallic minis, yes! But an A-line skirt is flattering on everyone and remember, for fall the buzz word is menswear.
The silhouette for this year is fitted and classic. Unless you prefer asymmetrical and boxy, because guess what? That's so hot right now! And fitted and slutty is always in style. And the peter pan collar? So In!
Colors are bold and jewel toned. Unless they are pastel or neutral. We forget. Oh, speaking of which, don't forget to wear earthy tones, so in right now. And, AND, sweet prints are IT this year.
Shoes: We still like a nude heel, it so elongates the leg. Also, don't forget to add a punch of color or two because strong jewel tones are in. Kitten heels are still all the rage for fall. Of course, a killer heel never hurts either-try a stacked heel peep toe. But you know, take it down a notch this fall because flat pointy shoes are where it is at. Oh, and get yourself a pair of moccasins for fall, extra fringe, please.
Handbags: We like totes this year. And clutches. and backpacks. And really tiny purses that only fit your lipstick and a $20 bill because this year it is all about minimalism. But also it is about sustainability-the girl who has everything she needs definitely wins. Who has a rose lipstick, a chapstick and a NYC Red lipstick? You? You win! Oh, but you are carrying it all in a faded red 1990 LL Bean knapsack. With your initials embroidered on the side. Oh that is sad. Wait a minute...that's not sad! OMG that is so fresh. So different. LL Bean vintage, OMG!
Accessories: Ladies, dainty is in. Unless you like big, bold and ethnic because that is a classic that will never go out of style. Diamonds and pearls are oh so timeless but so are leather cords and Native American accents. Multiple bracelets recycled from used rubber tires? Oh you go, Earth Child. That's so fresh. But then again, we like our silver, gold and gems, am I right girls? So pile them on anyway you can get them. Let your lights shine, girlies. Oh, and that reminds me of the Irish. Have I mentioned...
Sweaters: Thick and chunky, friends. Think Irish fisherman. Over a long flowing chiffon skirt. Ethereal is supposed to be out, but when you pair it with a a trendy cable, presto, it is in again. So hot. You know what is also nice? The boyfriend sweaater in a nice cashmere, yes, over a tailored white button down. But really, forget about sweaters for a minute and get yourself a varsity jacket because that's so trendy this fall. Outerwear this fall is classic and timeless but also youthful with a playful element.
Fabric: Ummmm. What do you like? Because we like, like, everthing....we like tweed, silk, wool, cotton, polyester....really...we like everything. What do you like? Huh? Huh?
Pair your fall look with bold makeup moves, like cat eyes, bright red lips, and a noticeable blush. But don't overdo it. Remember, demure is the key word when it comes to fall makeup. A nude lip, a barely there blush, and you are on your way. Don't forget your Bonne Bell Watermelon Lip Smacker for that sweet retro feel.
Our style icons this fall are Audrey Hepburn and Brigette Bardot.
And Farrah Fawcett. And all three of the Kardashian sisters.
And Mia Farrow.
So let's recap, shall we?
The look for fall is classic and feminine, bold and masculine, demure and over the top. It's a mix of 20th century chic and 70's country sweetheart. It's disco meets square dance with
a pinch of dirty dancing just to spice things up. It's chocolate milk in a martini glass. stirred, not shaken. It is 20th century Ice Queen meets 1950's pin up girl.
Still confused? You totally get it! Yes, fashion is a two faced bitch, friends, so my advice is wear whatever the hell you want, just wear it like you mean it. Somewhere out there, every Glamour don't is being paraded as a "do".
Except the exposed thong look. I think that trend is well and truly over. I know. I'm sad too.
Happy shopping, World
Chicken out
You look great! Have you lost weight?
With Labor Day right around the corner, you may be wondering what fashion must haves you should be stocking up on for fall. Well, I've taken some time to peruse the latest fashion mags, and have put together this short synopsis which I'm sure you will find clears things up a bit.
My dears, for fall, straight legs are in. Unless you like flares, because they are also in. And bootleg? So hot right now. Oooh, and don't forget to stock up on boyfriend jeans for weekend tailgate parties.
Wear your straight legs with cute ballerina flats. Or heels. Or sandals. Or boots: Short boots, riding boots, cowboy boots, slouchy boots, thigh-high boots, motorcycle boots or cement boots. Whatever.
Long skirts? In! Wear them pleated or pencil skirted. But you know what is also in? Metallic minis, yes! But an A-line skirt is flattering on everyone and remember, for fall the buzz word is menswear.
The silhouette for this year is fitted and classic. Unless you prefer asymmetrical and boxy, because guess what? That's so hot right now! And fitted and slutty is always in style. And the peter pan collar? So In!
Colors are bold and jewel toned. Unless they are pastel or neutral. We forget. Oh, speaking of which, don't forget to wear earthy tones, so in right now. And, AND, sweet prints are IT this year.
Shoes: We still like a nude heel, it so elongates the leg. Also, don't forget to add a punch of color or two because strong jewel tones are in. Kitten heels are still all the rage for fall. Of course, a killer heel never hurts either-try a stacked heel peep toe. But you know, take it down a notch this fall because flat pointy shoes are where it is at. Oh, and get yourself a pair of moccasins for fall, extra fringe, please.
Handbags: We like totes this year. And clutches. and backpacks. And really tiny purses that only fit your lipstick and a $20 bill because this year it is all about minimalism. But also it is about sustainability-the girl who has everything she needs definitely wins. Who has a rose lipstick, a chapstick and a NYC Red lipstick? You? You win! Oh, but you are carrying it all in a faded red 1990 LL Bean knapsack. With your initials embroidered on the side. Oh that is sad. Wait a minute...that's not sad! OMG that is so fresh. So different. LL Bean vintage, OMG!
Accessories: Ladies, dainty is in. Unless you like big, bold and ethnic because that is a classic that will never go out of style. Diamonds and pearls are oh so timeless but so are leather cords and Native American accents. Multiple bracelets recycled from used rubber tires? Oh you go, Earth Child. That's so fresh. But then again, we like our silver, gold and gems, am I right girls? So pile them on anyway you can get them. Let your lights shine, girlies. Oh, and that reminds me of the Irish. Have I mentioned...
Sweaters: Thick and chunky, friends. Think Irish fisherman. Over a long flowing chiffon skirt. Ethereal is supposed to be out, but when you pair it with a a trendy cable, presto, it is in again. So hot. You know what is also nice? The boyfriend sweaater in a nice cashmere, yes, over a tailored white button down. But really, forget about sweaters for a minute and get yourself a varsity jacket because that's so trendy this fall. Outerwear this fall is classic and timeless but also youthful with a playful element.
Fabric: Ummmm. What do you like? Because we like, like, everthing....we like tweed, silk, wool, cotton, polyester....really...we like everything. What do you like? Huh? Huh?
Pair your fall look with bold makeup moves, like cat eyes, bright red lips, and a noticeable blush. But don't overdo it. Remember, demure is the key word when it comes to fall makeup. A nude lip, a barely there blush, and you are on your way. Don't forget your Bonne Bell Watermelon Lip Smacker for that sweet retro feel.
Our style icons this fall are Audrey Hepburn and Brigette Bardot.
And Farrah Fawcett. And all three of the Kardashian sisters.
And Mia Farrow.
So let's recap, shall we?
The look for fall is classic and feminine, bold and masculine, demure and over the top. It's a mix of 20th century chic and 70's country sweetheart. It's disco meets square dance with
a pinch of dirty dancing just to spice things up. It's chocolate milk in a martini glass. stirred, not shaken. It is 20th century Ice Queen meets 1950's pin up girl.
Still confused? You totally get it! Yes, fashion is a two faced bitch, friends, so my advice is wear whatever the hell you want, just wear it like you mean it. Somewhere out there, every Glamour don't is being paraded as a "do".
Except the exposed thong look. I think that trend is well and truly over. I know. I'm sad too.
photo borrowed from http://fashionisrael.wordpress.com
Happy shopping, World
Chicken out
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