Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Hair Got You Down?

Does your hair hang low?  Does it wobble to and fro?  Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow? Can you  throw it o'er your shoulder like a continental soldier? Does your hair hang  low?

Well,  you're in luck, friends, because the scrunchie is back!  That's right, that 80's  staple has bounced back into fashion's highest circles.  It is once again totally cool to gather your unruly mane and contain it with a wide stretch  of elastic material covered in a fabric that complements your outfit.

The scrunchie is like the loud, colorful cousin you don't realize you've missed until you run into her at the family reunion.  There she is, governing the horse shoe pit with an iron glove, dressed in a lime green and fuchsia muumuu, and throwing back tequila like a tourist in Cabo on Cinco de Mayo.  You can't help but smile when you see her.

At least you might feel that way.  As with all things fashion related, however, my experience with scrunchies is a bit more unnerving.

My last scrunchie encounter took place in 2001.  The thing was crouching in a corner under my girl's bed, covered in dust balls, and I swear it had tiny, feral eyes that glared out at me, daring me to come in after it.  Bat, rat or hair piece, I wasn't sure what it was, so I stilled my pounding heart, narrowed my eyes, and took up arms.  The battle commenced, as I swiped wildly under the bed with my broom.  It was intense, but I emerged victorious after shoving the bed aside and exposing the rogue scrunchie to sunlight, a phenomenon it hadn't experienced in years.  Temporarily blinded, it remained still long enough for me to scoop it up on the end of my  broom and deposit it  in the trash.

Our home has been scrunchie-free ever since and, like denim on denim and leopard print,  it's not a trend I intend to embrace this fall or ever.  But you go ahead.

I'll  just tuck my unruly mane behind my low-hanging ears per usual.

Chicken out

What do you want to talk about today?

You start.

No, really, I could wait here all day. I got nowhere to be.

Actually, that's not true, so I'll start.

There's a new reality show on Bravo called Game of Crowns.  It's like Tots in Tiaras except with boobs and husbands.

This show was filmed IN MY TOWN.  And now I feel a little cheated because one of my consuming curiosities is how these shows are put together.  We know there's got to be a lot of editing going on, right?  So how do they decide who gets to be the villain and who gets to be the victim, and how do they orchestrate that?    And are the producers the biggest bullies of all?

I picture it going something like this:

Reality *:  (to Production assistant A, who is having an in depth conversation with Production assistant B while both madly twiddle their thumbs through their text messages).  Excuse me, may  I have a glass of water, please?

Production assistant A:  (to PA-B)  Do you believe her, she is SUCH a bitch.  Who does she think I am, an intern? She's going down

Production assistant A: (to Reality *)  Of course, I'll find one of the INTERNS to get it for you. Because that's what interns do, they fetch things, and I'm NOT an intern.  I was an intern last week but then I got promoted.  But no problem (wink/shrug),  I'll find an INTERN for you.

Production B:  (to room at large) giggles wildly at own twitter message #realitybitches, and takes selfie of new bangs.

Production assistant A:  (Texts intern)  Her highness would like a glass of water

Intern:  Ohhhhh No she didn't.  Who does she think she is?

Production  Assistant A:  OMG, I know.  Maybe GOD?

Intern:  God's wife?

Production Assistant A:   OMG LMFAO #bitchisgoingdown


Do you think it happens something like that?  I think it might.  I wish someone would write an in depth expose on reality television and, instead of focusing on why people watch it, focus on the process.

My  lasting question, the one I ask myself every time I watch a particularly confrontational scene, is "Why in God's name do people sign on for this?"  Money?  Fame?  Cluelessness?  What about you guys?  Would you take a part in a reality show?  Would you rather be the villain or the princess?

I wouldn't be a reality *, but I would be an intern.

If anyone watches Hulu, there's now a spoof on the housewives series.  It's horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

Chicken out

The Secret to Good Food

If you happen to be in charge of naming a new food,  I recommend a name that begins in CH.  As evidence, I submit this list of culinary cash cows.

1. Chocolate
2. Chili
3.  Chinese Food
4. Chimichangas
5.  Cheddar cheese popcorn
6.  Chardonnay
7. Chips
8.  Cheese
9. Cheeseburgers
10.  Chowder
11. Chewing  gum
12.  Cheetos
13.  Cherry Pie
14.  Chop Suey
15. Chorizo
16. Chevre
17.  Chuck  roast
18.   Champagne
19.  Chateau Briand
20.  Charcuterie
21. Char (fish)
22.  Cheesecake
23.  Cheerios
24.  Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
24. Charleston Chews
25.  Chickory Coffee
26.  Chutney
27.  Chocolate (it bears repeating)

Hmmm.  I feel like I'm forgetting something....

Chicken out

P.S.  But beware-every rule must have its exceptions, and the rule of CH is not an exception.  The mere smell of these two food products just might undo all the warm gooey goodness of the former.

1. Chitlins
2.  Chum (of course, one is only likely to be consuming chum if one dines at The Chum Bucket with Sponge Bob and the gang, or lives in the ocean and thinks he's a shark, in which case one's diet is the least of one's problems).