Invasion of the giant snails...

Pails of giant house eating African snails were recently taken into custody at LAX, where they had been labeled for consumption and shipped in pails.  Apparently, the snails are an environmental  hazard.  You can read the whole story here:  Link to article  

mirror.uk.news

This whole story is just begging for animation.

What do you call a group of house-eating snails? A swarm of snails?  Doesn't swarm imply speed?  That doesn't work then, does it?  A swaaarrrrrmmmmm of snails?  A body of snails?  A flock of snails?

According to Ask.com, you call a group of snails an escargatoire, rout or walk.  I love escargatoire-so artsy, so avante-garde...I might not mind telling people my house got eaten by a escargatoire of snails.  Or is that redundant.  Would you just say "My house got eaten by an escargatoire?"

If you are making a science fiction movie about house-eating snails, you might want to use "Walk of snails".  Doesn't that have the sound of a cheesy sci-fi horror flick?  If, however, your movie is more art house than documentary - then you definitely want to stick with "escargatoire".  If you are making a documentary on house-eating snails, it might be best to use "rout of snails", which sounds somewhat technical.  Hey, what's the rout of 16?  Answer:  4 Snails.  Hahaha.  I crack myself up.

Okay kids, be careful out there.  Don't pick up any hitch-hiking snails.

Chicken out

Silver Tongued Devil

In my next life, I hope to return as a silver tongued devil.  It seems to me that these types usually make out okay regardless of mean circumstances and humble beginnings.   Good looks will only take you so far, and eventually they'll fail you, but a silver tongued devil is usually silver tongued all his life.  You'll  probably have noticed there aren't many dumb silver tongued devils out there. The mouth and tongue are only the front of the house-the real work is going on behind that, where all the wheels are churning out 427 persuasive words per minute.

I'll  let my lean, lightening fast tongue lead the way, helping folks less fortunate understand where they went wrong with their thinking and how I can help.

I'll start my own You Tube channel.

I'll run for public office.

I'll  rap.

I'll  give a Ted Talk.

I'll talk my toddlers into the bathtub and bed as needed, with nary a complaint or tear.

I'll convince my teens that doing housework makes them 60% more attractive.

I'll  convince my husband that meal preparation is super sexy.

Then I'll go take a nap.  It's tiring being a silver tongued devil.

What will you be in your next life?

Chicken out

Leftover Stuffing?

I love stuffing.  I love it so much  I made extra this year.  A lot extra.  Turns out that I am the one person in my house who really loves stuffing.  I had no idea.  I now find myself with an abundance of stuffing.

Oh stuffing, our familiarity has bred much contempt.  Be gone from my home!

Perhaps you find yourself in the same situation?  After much brain mapping plus a bottle of Kendall Jackson, I've come up with this handy list of recycling ideas for our leftover stuffing.

"Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without."  That's what I always say.  Well, not me, but people have said that.  It seems reasonable.

Chicken's list of things to do with leftover stuffing:

• Modern sculpture.   I am picturing a replica of the first Thanksgiving constructed entirely out of leftover stuffing
• Poultice.  I'm not sure how this would work, but it seems like a fit
• Gesso replacement for the painters out there.  Picture an angry stuffing sea. What?  You can paint over it, dudes.
• Homemade paper!
• Insulation?  You'd need a lot of stuffing.  Perhaps if we took up a collection, we could insulate some poor soul's Hampton cottage
• Facial mask (it's all organic!)
• Fuel. I'm pretty sure dried out stuffing pellets would light the night and give off a pleasant aroma to boot.  In fact, why not grill some salmon on  a stuffing plank?  Why not?
• Jewelry.  I'm picturing feathers and stuffing shaped into little turkeys.  So ironic.  The hipsters will totally dig them.
• Dog treats.  My dog doesn't want any but dogs that don't get stuffing might like a stuffing cookie for Christmas.  A stuffing filled chew toy, perhaps
• Do you think we could make a fabric out of leftover stuffing?  I'm thinking super warm socks
• Thanksgiving scented Candles!!!
• Again, we'd have to take up a collection, sort of like a scrap metal yard, but maybe we could use stuffing to fill potholes here in the Northeast?
• Stuffing drywall seems doable

What will you make with your leftover stuffing?

Chicken out

Taxidermy irony anyone?

Chicken Scratch: 10 Bits of Randomness

Hi Worldians,

Hope you've been well.  I've been thinking, and similar to Lady GaGa's thoughts, it almost never ends in a good place.  At least it ends in a lucrative place for Lady GaGa.  For me, it just generally leads to more disassociation.

1.  I've been thinking about purses.  I don't like any of the names we have for lady bags.  Purses, pocket books, bags...these terms are all outdated.  Brand a better name. Boots are in this year. Maybe you could call it a BodBoot. A ShoulderSack. OMG there IS no good name for a bag that hangs off your shoulder. That's it. We should just all stop carrying them. Hear Chicken's call for a new social order. I like to call it Occupy Coach. We will camp in front of Coach headquarters until someone comes up with a new name for..I can't even say it....But hey, Who's with me? Anyone? Someone?  Please? 

2.  I've been thinking about head lice.  There's a vaccination for Chicken Pox, which you can't even see until it hits you, but no bright-eyed Stanford major has figured out a way to rid the world of these foul, itchy, jumpy little bastards? 

3.  I used to think that "genius" was all about what you know.  Now I think it is all about understanding what other people think they know. 

4.  I can't buy anything artificially red or blue anymore.  Food scientists, are you paying attention?  I'm terrified of color additives.  I heard they make my kids hyper.  I'd probably buy your "energy drink", under pressure, if it didn't look like Smurf ambrosia.  Just sayin'.

5.  "Just sayin'" is a horrible thing to say.  It is crass, it is disrespectful, it is grammatically incorrect and it is sarcastic.  And I'm going to stop saying it.  Tomorrow.  Just sayin'.

6.  I'd like to be young or I'd like to be old.  Being middle-aged is too close to average.

7.  Well.  Middle-age can be sort of a fun hodge-podge in this baby boomer age.  Who really knows what is normal?  It's like jumping down Alice's rabbit hole and meeting Elton John first thing.  And he introduces you to his baby.  And then Martha Stewart comes along and wants to teach Elton how to grow an organic garden and make his own baby food.  Elton is so touched that he writes a song about how Martha is misunderstood and fragile, probably like a candle in the wind, and then Ralph Lauren is inspired to design a whole line of organic clothing, aptly named "Just Martha", and through it all, Yoko Ono maintains that Elton's song is about her.  As does Mick Jagger.  Then Kirstie Alley loses 60 pounds eating Martha's organic baby food, hooks up with Ashton Kutcher and Miami Vice wear comes back in style, and....well...I could go on and on.  It's a confusing age.

8.  Come to think of it, Middle-age is the age to be, as long as you live it with confidence.

9.  Until the World Ends next year, in which case many of us baby boomers might have a bit to answer for and offering to make the Pearly Gates a little more pearly, if you know what I mean, isn't going to get us far. 

10.  Unless you are very pleasant, humble and easy to be around, in which case, why wouldn't God want to hang with you?  Hey.  I learned that in Kindergarten!

I started out with purses and ended with apocalypse. Is there a connection?

Be well, Worldans. To those of my blogger friends facing challenges right now, please know my thoughts are with you, and to those of you celebrating the sweetness of life, my thoughts are with you.

Chicken out