Friday, January 3, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year, I Resolve to be More Comfortable!
Well, here it is 2014 and I should be in bed but I'm not. Something I'll regret later this morning, but for now let's not worry about that and let's talk about resolutions.
Did you make any? What are they? Do you anticipate keeping them? Have you ever kept a single resolution you've made?
I make half-assed resolutions which go something like this: I, Chicken, will henceforth eat less, drink less, exercise more, and be a better relative. Usually these statements are more emotional and follow several glasses of champagne. Also, important to note, they are silent resolutions, made after the midnight kisses, lights out, and just before the final curtain falls on my inebriated consciousness
Which is handy, because it allows me to forget them by 11 AM when we go to brunch, eat cheesy egg things, drink Bloody Mary specials and bicker with the relatives before returning home for a long afternoon nap.
Anyway, moving on.
This year, I decided to make some actual resolutions; resolutions that will improve my life, well being, and increasingly complex mood.
In 2014 I vow to.....
1. Be comfortable. If it is not comfortable, I'm not wearing it. Good-bye leopard print stilettos, hello kitten heels.
2. Stop watching paranormal investigation shows. Why are they all so stupid? I like paranormal things. It's a hobby of mine. But I can't watch one more over-dramatization of an orb or a shadow. Except for the RI Show. They are the real thing.
3. Be hobby-free. If it's a hobby it's not for me. If you don't know me, I am sure you know someone like me. I'm the person who has a new passion ever few months and all the bells and whistles to go with it. Jewelry making, linoleum block printing, egg carving, rug weaving, ethnic mask construction, Wiccan fashion design, artisan glass door knobs....what do you like? I have a starter kit for it. If you are just like me and need some hobby supplies, come to my garage sale.
4. Give up on the garage sale I've been vowing to hold for the last five years. I hate garage sales. I'm taking away this pressure in 2014. If you need some hobby supplies, just email me. We'll work something out. Unless Bravo calls me and asks to film a reality show about my future garage sale which will become my new hobby, and will most likely end in court because even with contractual obligations, I'm not sure I'm up to it.
5. Rent a dumpster. I don't think Bravo is going to call me.
Wishing all of you out there a happy and productive 2014.
Chicken out
Did you make any? What are they? Do you anticipate keeping them? Have you ever kept a single resolution you've made?
I make half-assed resolutions which go something like this: I, Chicken, will henceforth eat less, drink less, exercise more, and be a better relative. Usually these statements are more emotional and follow several glasses of champagne. Also, important to note, they are silent resolutions, made after the midnight kisses, lights out, and just before the final curtain falls on my inebriated consciousness
Which is handy, because it allows me to forget them by 11 AM when we go to brunch, eat cheesy egg things, drink Bloody Mary specials and bicker with the relatives before returning home for a long afternoon nap.
Anyway, moving on.
This year, I decided to make some actual resolutions; resolutions that will improve my life, well being, and increasingly complex mood.
In 2014 I vow to.....
1. Be comfortable. If it is not comfortable, I'm not wearing it. Good-bye leopard print stilettos, hello kitten heels.
2. Stop watching paranormal investigation shows. Why are they all so stupid? I like paranormal things. It's a hobby of mine. But I can't watch one more over-dramatization of an orb or a shadow. Except for the RI Show. They are the real thing.
3. Be hobby-free. If it's a hobby it's not for me. If you don't know me, I am sure you know someone like me. I'm the person who has a new passion ever few months and all the bells and whistles to go with it. Jewelry making, linoleum block printing, egg carving, rug weaving, ethnic mask construction, Wiccan fashion design, artisan glass door knobs....what do you like? I have a starter kit for it. If you are just like me and need some hobby supplies, come to my garage sale.
4. Give up on the garage sale I've been vowing to hold for the last five years. I hate garage sales. I'm taking away this pressure in 2014. If you need some hobby supplies, just email me. We'll work something out. Unless Bravo calls me and asks to film a reality show about my future garage sale which will become my new hobby, and will most likely end in court because even with contractual obligations, I'm not sure I'm up to it.
5. Rent a dumpster. I don't think Bravo is going to call me.
Wishing all of you out there a happy and productive 2014.
Chicken out
Monday, December 23, 2013
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Hiiiiiiiiii! How are you? How was your Thanksgiving? How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer. Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?
Question: How good is good? I mean, could you clarify? Because I am confused, and here it is almost Christmas. Are we talking Mother Theresa good? Or Brangelina good? There's a sizeable gap there, wouldn't you agree? This is my dilemma, Santa: I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up. Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites.
So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be. Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop killing spiders? If they are in the house, can I still step on them? In self-defense? Should I go to church more? Or can I just stop calling my boss a dickhead? Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party? I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word. It really is quite subjective, Santa.
You know what might help, Santa? A quiz! I took the liberty of putting together this online questionnaire which, I think, will help all of us to better understand where we lie on the Good/Naughty spectrum.
The Pole Test
1. How many people did you maim or kill outright in the last year?
a. none
b. None, but I sure did consider it a few times.
c. It was an accident!
d. a lot and they all deserved it
e. all of the above
2. How often did you steal in the last year?
a. I never steal
b. Okay, I stole, but then I gave it to someone in need
c. I only borrowed it.
d. a lot. Stealing is a total rush.
e. None of the above
3. How often did you lie in in the last year?
a. I never lie
b. I only tell white lies
c. Whenever it seemed necessary
d. I always lie just for fun
e. Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active
etc.
Grading: People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes. People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%. People who mostly circle D. get coal. Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont. You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for. They won't know the difference.
Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this helpful material in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
XOXOXO
Chicken
Hiiiiiiiiii! How are you? How was your Thanksgiving? How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer. Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?
Question: How good is good? I mean, could you clarify? Because I am confused, and here it is almost Christmas. Are we talking Mother Theresa good? Or Brangelina good? There's a sizeable gap there, wouldn't you agree? This is my dilemma, Santa: I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up. Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites.
So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be. Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop killing spiders? If they are in the house, can I still step on them? In self-defense? Should I go to church more? Or can I just stop calling my boss a dickhead? Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party? I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word. It really is quite subjective, Santa.
You know what might help, Santa? A quiz! I took the liberty of putting together this online questionnaire which, I think, will help all of us to better understand where we lie on the Good/Naughty spectrum.
The Pole Test
1. How many people did you maim or kill outright in the last year?
a. none
b. None, but I sure did consider it a few times.
c. It was an accident!
d. a lot and they all deserved it
e. all of the above
2. How often did you steal in the last year?
a. I never steal
b. Okay, I stole, but then I gave it to someone in need
c. I only borrowed it.
d. a lot. Stealing is a total rush.
e. None of the above
3. How often did you lie in in the last year?
a. I never lie
b. I only tell white lies
c. Whenever it seemed necessary
d. I always lie just for fun
e. Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active
etc.
Grading: People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes. People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%. People who mostly circle D. get coal. Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont. You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for. They won't know the difference.
Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this helpful material in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
XOXOXO
Chicken
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