Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Hiiiiiiiiii!  How are you?  How was your Thanksgiving?  How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer.  Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?

Question:  How good is good?  I mean, could you clarify?  Because I am confused, and here it is almost Christmas.  Are we talking Mother Theresa good?  Or Brangelina good?  There's a sizeable gap there, wouldn't you agree?  This is my dilemma, Santa:  I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up.  Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites.

So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be.  Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop killing spiders?  If they are in the house, can I still step on them?  In self-defense?  Should I go to church more?  Or can I just stop calling my boss a dickhead?  Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party?  I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word.  It really is quite subjective, Santa.

You know what might help, Santa?  A quiz!  I took the liberty of putting together this online questionnaire which, I think, will help all of us to better understand where we lie on the Good/Naughty spectrum.

The Pole Test

1.  How many people did you maim or kill outright in the last year?
a.  none
b.  None, but I sure did consider it a few times.
c.  It was an accident!
d. a lot and they all deserved it
e. all of the above

2.  How often did you steal in the last year?
a.  I never steal
b.  Okay, I stole, but then I gave it to someone in need
c.  I only borrowed it.
d.  a lot. Stealing is a total rush.
e.  None of the above

3.  How often did you lie in in the last year?
a.  I never lie
b.  I only tell white lies
c.  Whenever it seemed necessary
d.  I always lie just for fun
e.  Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active

etc.

Grading:  People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes.  People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%.  People who mostly circle D. get coal.  Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont.  You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for.  They won't know the difference.

Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this helpful material in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

XOXOXO
Chicken

Santa Maybe....

Santa maybe, get BigB to trim the tree
for me
Maybe even hang some lights, Santa Baby
Could you call him sometime maybe tonight?

Santa Maybe, could we talk about the little one too
It's true
He's bouncing off the walls around  here, Santa Maybe
Could we dose him with the whiskey this once?

Think of all the dishes I've rinsed
Think of all the Bravo television  I've missed
Next year I might be just as good
If you'll send me a personal chef
.
Santa really, there's one thing that you maybe could do
Could you
Send me thirteen elves on loan?  I will
Send them back to you next year

Santa Maybe, send Martha Stewart to my house
To bake
200 sugar cookies, no wait, that's scary
Just send them down the chimney instead

Santa would you, wrap these presents for me
and then
Send them next day fed ex for free I will
Forever be your biggest fan

You could even clean my garage if you like
Maybe hold a garage sale while I read this book
I really do believe in you
I know you can get rid of all this junk

Santa Maybe, just one more little thing
The ring
The one around my bathtub is gross could you
Send Magic Mike to clean it tonight

I know this isn't Magic Mike but "Matthew McConaughey dressed as a cowboy stripper"
didn't really flow well

Dear Target:

Dear Target:

I will be shopping in your store on Black Friday from 2 PM to approximately 4 PM.  Thank you for limiting store occupancy during this period to 50 occupants or less.  While I normally prefer far fewer people sharing my shopping experience, I am aware that you have a business to run.  I am willing to compromise.  I will, however, require a dedicated register and register attendant at all times.  Also, if your people could do a quick clean-up of all the aisles before I arrive, I would be most appreciative.  This will most likely require closing an hour before my scheduled arrival, but I think you'll find that the time spent organizing will much enhance my shopping experience.   Don't forget the bathrooms!  Finally, I will require an additional 20% discount off your already low prices as your prices are not that low.  It goes without saying,  I assume, that you'll have an able-bodied, background-checked, attendant to valet my Hyundai.

Thank you for your attention to these matters.  I look forward to shopping with you this Black Friday.

Warm regards,

Chicken