Saturday, October 16, 2010

Chicken Vs Blog Union

Hiya, World!

(scuffle in the background)

Man in Black:  Excuse me, Chicken, ma'am, step away from the blog, please?

(chicken pulls her robe shut, takes a sip of coffee.  Strong and black with a hint of cinnamon, just the way she likes it.  Stands silently considering Man in Black who has suddenly appeared on her blog)

Chicken:  Excuse me, Man in Black, come again?

Man in Black:  Step. Away. From. The. Blog.

Chicken:  I like your sunglasses.  Did you buy those on hipster.com?  How did you get on my blog, anyway?  Who are you?

(Man in Black flashes official-looking badge.  Chicken can't see it. Chicken needs glasses but don't tell her that)

Man in Black:  That is a lot of questions, Ma'am.  I'm asking the questions, here.  As a certified Case Manager for General Blog Union Local 569, I've removed this blog from your care due to concerns of blogger neglect. 

Chicken:  And yet, here I am.  If you would excuse me now, I have a post to write.

Man in Black:  Not so fast, Chicken.  Where have you been since Sept 15, 2010?

Chicken:  What's it to you, MIB?

MIB:  What's it to me?  What's it to your blog, Chicken.  What's it to your readers?  While you've been off galivanting God knows where, your blog has been sitting here, in disrepair, thanks to your experimental tinkering, and your readers have had to find other forms of silliness with which to amuse themselves.  And then!  And then you just saunter in, with your hair sticking up in 70 directions, blowing the steam off your coffee and expecting to carry on as though you haven't been gone for the last month?  That takes some nerve, let me tell ya. 

Chicken:  Listen, Mac.  Leave my hair out of it.  This is my blog.  I'll blog on it when I want and where I want.  And if I want to leave it for a month and attend to other matters, I will.

MIB:  And that's exactly why we have a Union and people like me-to deal with hardasses like you and protect the welfare of all blogs everywhere.  You think you OWN this blog, Chicken?  Are you really so arrogant?  A blog is a precious gift, Chicken, a GIFT, and should be treated that way.  You never leave your blog alone for a month.  Never EVER.  Now.  I repeat.  Where have you been, while your blog has been sitting here defecating on the internet and withering away, surviving on a few comment crumbs.

(Chicken, appearing a mite uncertain, smooths hair nervously)

Chicken:  Dude, I've been busy, you know?  I've been looking into some new business propositions.  What do you think about catering trucks, huh?  Can you see me driving one?  I'd sell cucumber sandwiches, locally grown, of course, and micro-brewed iced tea.  Yea.  Or maybe I'll start a coffee shop.  A coffee shop that's also an antique shop, and a book store, and a local artist co-op, and it will have a playground.  Genius, right?  Also, there's an election going on here, you know, and it has been getting pretty heated.  It wouldn't be responsible, as a citizen, for me to not know who gave who a job illegally, or who misappropriated funds, or who has a past criminal record.  I have to keep up on that stuff.  My vote counts.  Also, there's just been this big study done on bats.  Yea, bats.  You heard me.  Bats don't fly like airplanes, you know.  No, they do not.  Their multi-jointed wings create a circular wind pattern, more like a helicopter.  If they can figure out how bats fly, it could change the entire air travel industry.  That's right.  Also I do have little chickens, you know.  It's been apple picking season, and littleb has birthday parties every weekend...plus I work, you know, and I've been very busy with social media stuff for my job, so when I come home....

MIB:  When you come home, you have no time to take care of your own blog?  Yea, I get it, Chicken, that's why I'm here.

Chicken:  But you can't just take my blog away.  What if I need to write something.  What if the World needs me?

MIB:  Seems like it has gotten by fine without you.  The miners escaped, Bellchick got rid of Moss, Lindsay Lohan is still partying.  And all this happened without you.  Imagine.

Chicken:  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, MIB.

MIB:  Tell it to the judge, Chicken.

(reality dawning)

Chicken:  The Judge?  The Judge?  What Judge?  Are you seriously telling me I can't blog here anymore?

MIB:  Ah.  Now you're getting it.
Chicken:  Forever? I can't blog here again forever?

MIB:  You will need to appear in the Court of Blog before the Circuit Judge, who will hear your plea.  Most likely, you'll need to get another blogger to post blog and vouch for your reliability.  Following that, you may be released back onto the internet with certain restrictions and after completing internet community service.  If the Judge doesn't buy your lame excuses, you may be assigned blog sensitivity training.  If you really rile him up, he may assign you to blog confinement, in which case you will be allowed to visit your blog and only your blog, until such time as you are deemed capable of a depth of creativity that allows you to post reliably on your blog without falling back into your web-surfing addiction.  We are not here to punish.  We are here to rehabilitate and prevent the neglect of blogs everywhere. 

(claps on the handcuffs)

MIB:  Come with me, Chicken, and if you ever want to see your blog again, you'll come quietly.

Chicken:  o-KAY!  Quit pushin'.   Bye Blog.  Be good-I'll be back before you know it.  Don't eat too many adjectives while I'm gone.  Bye Bloggy friends.  If anyone could see their way into posting Blog for me, I'd pay ya back, honest I would....


Oh....and somebody...please call Pearl Annabelle Lafleur.  She'll know what to do....