Friday, July 18, 2014

Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Hair Got You Down?

Does your hair hang low?  Does it wobble to and fro?  Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow? Can you  throw it o'er your shoulder like a continental soldier? Does your hair hang  low?

Well,  you're in luck, friends, because the scrunchie is back!  That's right, that 80's  staple has bounced back into fashion's highest circles.  It is once again totally cool to gather your unruly mane and contain it with a wide stretch  of elastic material covered in a fabric that complements your outfit.

The scrunchie is like the loud, colorful cousin you don't realize you've missed until you run into her at the family reunion.  There she is, governing the horse shoe pit with an iron glove, dressed in a lime green and fuchsia muumuu, and throwing back tequila like a tourist in Cabo on Cinco de Mayo.  You can't help but smile when you see her.

At least you might feel that way.  As with all things fashion related, however, my experience with scrunchies is a bit more unnerving.

My last scrunchie encounter took place in 2001.  The thing was crouching in a corner under my girl's bed, covered in dust balls, and I swear it had tiny, feral eyes that glared out at me, daring me to come in after it.  Bat, rat or hair piece, I wasn't sure what it was, so I stilled my pounding heart, narrowed my eyes, and took up arms.  The battle commenced, as I swiped wildly under the bed with my broom.  It was intense, but I emerged victorious after shoving the bed aside and exposing the rogue scrunchie to sunlight, a phenomenon it hadn't experienced in years.  Temporarily blinded, it remained still long enough for me to scoop it up on the end of my  broom and deposit it  in the trash.

Our home has been scrunchie-free ever since and, like denim on denim and leopard print,  it's not a trend I intend to embrace this fall or ever.  But you go ahead.

I'll  just tuck my unruly mane behind my low-hanging ears per usual.

Chicken out

Thursday, July 17, 2014

What do you want to talk about today?

You start.

No, really, I could wait here all day. I got nowhere to be.

Actually, that's not true, so I'll start.

There's a new reality show on Bravo called Game of Crowns.  It's like Tots in Tiaras except with boobs and husbands.

This show was filmed IN MY TOWN.  And now I feel a little cheated because one of my consuming curiosities is how these shows are put together.  We know there's got to be a lot of editing going on, right?  So how do they decide who gets to be the villain and who gets to be the victim, and how do they orchestrate that?    And are the producers the biggest bullies of all?

I picture it going something like this:

Reality *:  (to Production assistant A, who is having an in depth conversation with Production assistant B while both madly twiddle their thumbs through their text messages).  Excuse me, may  I have a glass of water, please?

Production assistant A:  (to PA-B)  Do you believe her, she is SUCH a bitch.  Who does she think I am, an intern? She's going down

Production assistant A: (to Reality *)  Of course, I'll find one of the INTERNS to get it for you. Because that's what interns do, they fetch things, and I'm NOT an intern.  I was an intern last week but then I got promoted.  But no problem (wink/shrug),  I'll find an INTERN for you.

Production B:  (to room at large) giggles wildly at own twitter message #realitybitches, and takes selfie of new bangs.

Production assistant A:  (Texts intern)  Her highness would like a glass of water

Intern:  Ohhhhh No she didn't.  Who does she think she is?

Production  Assistant A:  OMG, I know.  Maybe GOD?

Intern:  God's wife?

Production Assistant A:   OMG LMFAO #bitchisgoingdown

Do you think it happens something like that?  I think it might.  I wish someone would write an in depth expose on reality television and, instead of focusing on why people watch it, focus on the process.

My  lasting question, the one I ask myself every time I watch a particularly confrontational scene, is "Why in God's name do people sign on for this?"  Money?  Fame?  Cluelessness?  What about you guys?  Would you take a part in a reality show?  Would you rather be the villain or the princess?

I wouldn't be a reality *, but I would be an intern.

If anyone watches Hulu, there's now a spoof on the housewives series.  It's horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

Chicken out

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Secret to Good Food

If you happen to be in charge of naming a new food,  I recommend a name that begins in CH.  As evidence, I submit this list of culinary cash cows.

1. Chocolate
2. Chili
3.  Chinese Food
4. Chimichangas
5.  Cheddar cheese popcorn
6.  Chardonnay
7. Chips
8.  Cheese
9. Cheeseburgers
10.  Chowder
11. Chewing  gum
12.  Cheetos
13.  Cherry Pie
14.  Chop Suey
15. Chorizo
16. Chevre
17.  Chuck  roast
18.   Champagne
19.  Chateau Briand
20.  Charcuterie
21. Char (fish)
22.  Cheesecake
23.  Cheerios
24.  Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
24. Charleston Chews
25.  Chickory Coffee
26.  Chutney
27.  Chocolate (it bears repeating)

Hmmm.  I feel like I'm forgetting something....

Chicken out

P.S.  But beware-every rule must have its exceptions, and the rule of CH is not an exception.  The mere smell of these two food products just might undo all the warm gooey goodness of the former.

1. Chitlins
2.  Chum (of course, one is only likely to be consuming chum if one dines at The Chum Bucket with Sponge Bob and the gang, or lives in the ocean and thinks he's a shark, in which case one's diet is the least of one's problems).

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Invasion of the giant snails...

Pails of giant house eating African snails were recently taken into custody at LAX, where they had been labeled for consumption and shipped in pails.  Apparently, the snails are an environmental  hazard.  You can read the whole story here:  Link to article

This whole story is just begging for animation.

What do you call a group of house-eating snails? A swarm of snails?  Doesn't swarm imply speed?  That doesn't work then, does it?  A swaaarrrrrmmmmm of snails?  A body of snails?  A flock of snails?

According to, you call a group of snails an escargatoire, rout or walk.  I love escargatoire-so artsy, so avante-garde...I might not mind telling people my house got eaten by a escargatoire of snails.  Or is that redundant.  Would you just say "My house got eaten by an escargatoire?"

If you are making a science fiction movie about house-eating snails, you might want to use "Walk of snails".  Doesn't that have the sound of a cheesy sci-fi horror flick?  If, however, your movie is more art house than documentary - then you definitely want to stick with "escargatoire".  If you are making a documentary on house-eating snails, it might be best to use "rout of snails", which sounds somewhat technical.  Hey, what's the rout of 16?  Answer:  4 Snails.  Hahaha.  I crack myself up.

Okay kids, be careful out there.  Don't pick up any hitch-hiking snails.

Chicken out

Monday, July 14, 2014

Life is Like a Teeter-Totter...

It's not much fun unless it's going up and down.

I read part of an article recently about achieving balance in one's life.  The article asked various authors of self-help books what balance means to them.  I think it was Simple magazine-I can retrace my steps if anyone is interested.

I asked myself the same question, me being the supposed, but not confirmed, authority on me, and the answer I received is that balance is an urban myth.  Balancing your life, in my opinion, is like telling the tide to stop rising at that perfect place just a few feet from your beach blanket. You can't stop  the ebb and flow of your life any more than you can stop the tide from rising or going out, try as you might, with your routines, systems and advance planning.

So what is balance, then, and why do we covet it?  Do we focus on balance at the expense of flow?

The closest I come to what some might describe as balance is when I am fully engaged in the moment.  It might be cooking, playing a game of Yahtzee with littleb, writing a post, or cleaning out a cupboard. Whatever it is, I'm in the zone.  There is a feeling of contentment and good will.  If I could string a lifetime's worth of these moments together, I could live in balance, but that's not my goal.  A perfectly balanced teeter-totter might be fun for a moment, but it's the ups and downs that make it interesting.