Friday, June 6, 2014

Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: Sandals

It's getting hot out there, the summer solstice is nigh upon us, whatever the hell that means, I don't know, but my socks know and have already started creeping to the back of my drawer, where they are constructing their horrid, tangled nest.  I can hear them back there, hissing, and biting holes in one another.

It's sandal time. Do the sandal dance. Just kidding.  There is no sandal dance.

But it is time to go sandal shopping because the sandals I bought just last year appear to have aged and died in my closet over the winter.  What was once sleek and supple is now a dried hunk of old leather.  Don't look at me. I didn't do it.  They were fine the last time I wore them.  Then October came, it got a little nippy, and I pressed my socks back into service. The sandals went into the closet.  And now, here I am at the start of summer and needing a new pair.

Oh,  I know what you are thinking.  "What, you only have one pair of sandals, what are you some kind of freaky prairie woman minimalist?".  No.  I'm not.  If I was, I'd be sewing my own sandals out of gopher skin, now, wouldn't I?

I'm a bad shopper, is what I am.  I will actually buy four pairs of sandals.  This is how it will go down:

I'll be looking for a simple, casual pair of leather gladiator sandals without a lot of embellishment, but with some style, some structure, some je ne sais quois.  I won't find them.  Anywhere.  And I need something, don't I?  So I'll buy something.  And at the time, it will seem like a wise purchase.  

The first pair of sandals I buy will be so pretty. They'll be cute and trendy and on sale.  They will probably have a wedge heel and might be sporting some faux turquoise.   I'll imagine wearing them with capris and t-shirt dresses, or worn jeans and a white button down. To a cook out, maybe, or a summer music festival because, even though I haven't been to a music festival in, oh, twenty-five years, I can now picture myself dancing to the music of some Grateful Dead tribute band, shaking my groove thing, my moneymaker, if you will, even though it's never made me a dime, to my knowledge, in my turquoise adorned sandals. The vision is so strong, I make the purchase and drive home in a haze of summery anticipation.  After two months in my closet, during which time they will be tried on with numerous outfits, including the aforementioned capris and t-shirt dresses, I'll realize that wedge heels don't suit me and neither do capris and t-shirt dresses, and oh my God, fake turquoise?  Really?  

The second pair will be flat heeled and classic, but in a trendy color. Like orange, say. The problem will occur when I realize they clash with 98% of my wardrobe.  

The third pair will be a pair of flip flops from Wal-mart. They will have a slight lift in the heel area.  Just enough. I will wear them everywhere and sometime during the first week of August, one of the thongs will rip out, leaving me bereft and sandaless.  

So I'll go shopping again, halfheartedly picking through the sale racks, looking for something I can put on my feet that will downplay my cankles and bunions, while highlighting my delicate arches and narrow foot. Suddenly, a golden light will shine down from the ceiling of the Macy's shoe department and onto the very pair of sandals I've coveted all summer long.  Angels will sing.  I'll fight off three determined ladies slashing at me with their 50% off coupons (if you purchase with your Macy's credit card and aren't buying anything practical or desirable), but I'll emerge victorious, shoes in hand, with nary a paper cut, finally ready to take on summer.

I'll wear those sandals every day and every night and they will be perfect.  But soon the weather will cool, my toes will beg my socks to come out from the back of the drawer, and I'll reluctantly commend my most favorite pair of sandals ever to the recesses of my closet for a peaceful winter slumber.

"At least", I think, "I can still wear them next year."

Yeah, and maybe when I pull the socks out from the back of my drawer, they won't all have holes, either.

Peace out, Chicksters  


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Box of Wine

Tonight I succumbed to a box of wine.  This isn't just any box of wine, it's a gold medal winning box of wine.  I didn't realize that boxing wine was an Olympic sport, but apparently it is, and my wine won.  Out of all the other boxes of wine, my box of wine prevailed.  I feel pretty good about that.  I feel like I also prevailed. It takes a certain personality, you know, to buy a box of wine.  It takes a personality that isn't afraid to stand in line on a Saturday night with a box containing the equivalent of 4 bottles of wine for roughly the cost of one really good bottle ("really good" being kind of a personal measurement, you understand).  And I just want to pause here to mention that it was a really long line.  I was in line for a long time with this box.  The people ahead of me seemed to be having an issue with their 17 different kind of craft beer, and the line behind me just kept getting longer and longer, with all eyes glued, I imagine, on my gold medal winning box of wine. But I did not care.  I've heard the siren call of wine boxes before and have resisted.  I've told myself my line is drawn at screw caps.  But this wine, well, it's won awards.  I haven't won any awards.  Who am I to turn my nose up at award-winning wine just because it's stuck inside the box.  Sure, we all like to think outside the box, but I am here today to advocate, perhaps, thinking inside this particular box.

It takes up less room in my fridge.  It doesn't use up cork resources.  It's easier to recycle than glass.  It's 4 bottles of wine, for God's sake, in one square foot space. It's award winning.  In case I've forgotten to mention that.

After I bought my box of wine, I went to Whole Foods to buy some food.  Is it just me or is Whole Foods getting more annoying every day?  Between the vegans, the hipsters, the hippies and the yuppie throwbacks, I can't seem to get close to anything I want to buy, and I swear they are piping in subliminal messaging that causes people to stand in place, swaying side to side like sun flowers, examining each and every choice of organic, small batch, grains.  I don't fit in here.  I'm just this average person who wants to buy 2.5 pounds of bone-in chicken thighs and some almond milk, for God's sake.  And then I want to go home and pour a nice glass of wine out of my convenient box spout and call it a day.  Is that too much to ask?

Award winning box of wine