Monday, December 23, 2013

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Hiiiiiiiiii!  How are you?  How was your Thanksgiving?  How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer.  Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?

Question:  How good is good?  I mean, could you clarify?  Because I am confused, and here it is almost Christmas.  Are we talking Mother Theresa good?  Or Brangelina good?  There's a sizeable gap there, wouldn't you agree?  This is my dilemma, Santa:  I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up.  Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites.

So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be.  Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop killing spiders?  If they are in the house, can I still step on them?  In self-defense?  Should I go to church more?  Or can I just stop calling my boss a dickhead?  Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party?  I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word.  It really is quite subjective, Santa.

You know what might help, Santa?  A quiz!  I took the liberty of putting together this online questionnaire which, I think, will help all of us to better understand where we lie on the Good/Naughty spectrum.

The Pole Test

1.  How many people did you maim or kill outright in the last year?
a.  none
b.  None, but I sure did consider it a few times.
c.  It was an accident!
d. a lot and they all deserved it
e. all of the above

2.  How often did you steal in the last year?
a.  I never steal
b.  Okay, I stole, but then I gave it to someone in need
c.  I only borrowed it.
d.  a lot. Stealing is a total rush.
e.  None of the above

3.  How often did you lie in in the last year?
a.  I never lie
b.  I only tell white lies
c.  Whenever it seemed necessary
d.  I always lie just for fun
e.  Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active


Grading:  People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes.  People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%.  People who mostly circle D. get coal.  Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont.  You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for.  They won't know the difference.

Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this helpful material in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon.