Saturday, May 1, 2010

In Which Little Miss Chicken Sits on a Tuffet

Assuming a tuffet could resemble a big, ugly office chair.

You can probably guess where this is going.....

Good morning, World.

littleb and I were up early this morning, still spouting our Apple, Hey....Apple nonsense and driving BigB insane so he banished us downstairs.

littleb promptly found a rerun of Max and Ruby and I decided to watch more Annoying Orange episodes.

I was having a grand old time when I sensed movement to my right.

I glanced over.  And saw this:



ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSPIDERSPIDERSPIDERSPIDERHELLLLLLPPP


Have I ever mentioned that I hate spiders? 

Well, I do.  They are totally rude. 

I should add this story to Sad Adolescent Chicken Stories.  I had forgotten about it. When I was young but way to old to be sucking my thumb and desperate to stop, I somehow convinced myself that every time I sucked my thumb I would see a spider.  And it worked.  Mostly because I secretly sucked my thumb quite a bit and it was summer, so there were a lot of spiders around. 

And now I'm thinking that perhaps Someone is trying to tell me to quit with the Annoying Orange routine.  It was funny the first time.  It was less funny at 6 a.m..

Well.  Do you know what I have to say to Someone?????

Apple.

Hey.....Apple.  Apple.  Hey.

Spider.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSPIDERSPIDERSPIDER.......

But Seriously.  Check out this one. Plumpkin

We have a great day planned here at the coop.  littleb, R and I are heading over to the Bear's den for the annual folk festival, and then BigB and I are going out tonight.  Alone.  For the first time since 2007.  We're going to a Mark Knopfler concert.  I'm often Mark in my Rockstar fantasies.

Hope you have a great day, too, World.

Chicken out

Friday, April 30, 2010

Mommy Stalker. Like a Mommy Blogger Only Scarier

Hi World,

Teenager Who Lives in the Basement walked out the door earlier tonight without saying goodbye. 

So I yelled, "Hey, Teenager, where are you going?"

And he yelled back, "Out"

So I yelled back, "Out where?"

Somewhere a door slammed.

Well, this just rubbed me the wrong way, you know what I'm saying?  Maybe it is getting to be that time of the month, I don't know.

At any rate, I decided a little Mommy Stalking was totally in order.

So I dug out the new cell phone.

Ring Ring: 

Teenager:  "h'lo"

Chicken:  Hey Apple. Whereyagoing whereyagoin whereyagoin????

buzzzzzzzzz

Chicken text:  Hey Apple.  Apple. Whereyagoin Apple, who with, can i come?

Teentext:  No

Chicken text:  Hey Apple, really, whereyagoin?

Teentext:  Playground

Chicken text:  ok will be right there. littleb coming too

Teentext:  ok not going there now. going to Storm's first.

Chicken text:  ok meet you at Storm's. Hey.  Apple.  Apple. Should we bring our sleeping bags and some doritos?

Teentext:  Chicken, seriously?  you r so annoying

Chicken text: I know, isn't it great?  See u in a minute.  littleb is packing his drums...

Teentext:  I'm just coming home.

Chicken text:  Great!  We can play scrabble.  But let's only spell words that aren't real words and take away points if the word IS in the dictionary, ok?

Teentext:  u r so warped.  Ok. 

You'll have to check the chicken crossing the road for the blog inspiration.  Or maybe you know about the annoying orange already.  I didn't.  I'm in love with annoying orange.  If you like that one, here's the Annoying Orange link

Chicken  out

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

In Which Chicken Buys a Cell Phone and Finds Herself....

Good morning, World:

Last weekend I finally got around to buying a new cell phone to replace the blackberry my old employers had supplied.

Having experienced both the addiction and frustration of being accessible via email 24 hours a day, I knew I did NOT want a blackberry.  In fact, I've attended daily BAA (Blackberry Addicts Anonymous) meetings since my departure from the hotel.  A blackberry at 1 AM is not a toy but I tended to not recognize that after several glasses of wine. 

At BAA meetings, we start by saying things like, "Hello, my name is Chicken, and I have emailed inappropriately" or "Hello, my name is Chicken and I have only sent work-related emails for two weeks now" (light applause). 

I've heard so many Blackberry abuse horror stories that even the thought of holding one of those suckers in my hot little hands is making me a little queasy. 

So off I went to the T-Mobile store.  I found myself an adorable T-Mobile rep named Anibal (rhymes with cannibal) and the following conversation took place:

Anibal:  Welcome to T-mobile, what can I help you with today?

Chicken:  How do you pronounce your name?  Is it Mexican?  Good thing you don't live in Arizona, right?  Wow that's a cool name.  I'll bet people call you Anibal the Cannibal ALL the time, am I right?  Or animal......(Chicken stares off into space thinking of more ways a middle-school bully might make fun of the name Anibal).

Anibal:  Ma'am?

Chicken:  (Looks around in surprise) Oh...right.  Well Anibal, I need a new phone.  I want to add a line to the account I already have for my son.  I only use it for emergencies, though, so I only want a phone that can text or call, and it needs to be free and I want the cheapest plan you have.  In fact, I really only need a phone that I can receive calls on because I have no intention of ever picking up the phone and calling anybody.    Actually, I have no intention of answering anyone's calls either....so I guess I just need texting. 

Anibal:  (Truly perplexed and looking around for the cameras and Ashton Kutcher)...Ah, Ma'am, well, all of our phones can make and receive calls.  But you don't have to use those features.  Now, let's see, your best bet is to upgrade to the family plan and when we add in internet, insurance, tax.......that's going to come to ninety-eleven hundred dollars a month.  Not bad at all.  What do you think.

Chicken:  I'll tell you what Anibal.  That's a lot of money for features I don't even need.  Are you sure you don't have anything that just sends and receives text for....say.....five dollars a month?

Anibal:  (Poker face)  Ma'am, maybe what you need is a telegraph.  We don't sell those here.  Maybe Western Union?

Chicken:  (Stunned then delighted).  Anibal...you made a joke.  Good on you!  You're right, I AM being an asshole.  Okay, show me the phones that come for free with the plan.

Anibal:  Shows me two (fugly) phones. 

Chicken:  Okay, okay....these look like good phones.  But where is the keyboard?  I need a keyboard, Anibal....

Anibal:  Oh we have phones with keyboards, Chicken, but those are upgrades.  Here's a nice one that costs an additional $99 hundred, but just for today, there is a $98 hundred fifty rebate if you mail in the rebate form and receipt....

Chicken:  (thinking fast).  O.K. Anibal, I'll take it but you have to do the whole rebate thing for me right now because rebates involve mailing things, which I am averse to....

Anibal:  (mentally nominating Chicken for freak of the year award).  Sure, Chicken, I can do that for you.  There you go, all set, enjoy your new phone and let me know if you have any questions...

And now I have a brand new pretty blue and white Samsung phone with a handy slide out keyboard.  Imagine my surprise when one of the options I found on the menu was...email....

But I swear I'm not going to use it.... although I might have to email Anibal just to check on my rebate and catch up...

I have to get ready to go visit the Bears now, World, so I don't have time to tell you how I found myself but check back later, ok?

Take care,

Chicken out

Sunday, April 25, 2010

CHICKEN BAND...Sort of like the Rolling Stones but with more moss...

Hi World,

Hope your weekend is going well. 

My Sister-in-law has been visiting from the other side of the country for the past week and on her last night in town we got together for a little take out and family time. 

After reminiscing over 3 million old family photos and filling up on great Italian , which you can find in abundance in our little state of Rhode Island, but not so much where she lives, and Pinot Grigio, which you can find in abundance and for cheap cheap cheap where she lives but not as much here, we were winding down.

Littleb, however, had a different plan.  He felt the evening should end on a musical note.  First he dragged out all of his stuffed animals to form an audience.  And then he went through his toy box and carted out all of his instruments, which he then distributed.

And the Chicken Band was thereby formed and will most likely be showing up in a small, intimate club near you sometime soon.

We need a little time to perfect our unique sound so please be patient.

But in the meantime, let me introduce the members of the band:

littleb (aka badb)  Lead singer


Lead Guitarist BigB (Aka BigDaddy)



Drums and Kazoo/Piano:  The Aunties (Aka Jumpin Jack Jane and Annie Bananny)



And on Accordian, Nana (Aka Nana the Great)



And joining in for a special rendition of Jailhouse Rock, Chicken (aka the photographer)



Let us know what your favorite tunes are.  We'll be taking requests soon.

Take care,

Chicken out