Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Is Over and I'm Thankful to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Hi World,

I hope that if you were celebrating Thanksgiving today that you are well and truly stuffed full of good things.  Well, even if you didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you at least got a marmite sandwich and a bag of crisps.

I've decided that if I get to come back for another life, I'm coming back as someone who gets to sit on my ass all day, watching the parade and then the football game, until it's time to get up and go sit on my ass in the dining room.  That seems like a lot more fun than trying to remember how to make gravy.

To be fair, I spent a lot of time tweeting, which is getting to be a little bit of a problem.  You know, problem, as in a problem that you point out to someone behind a raised hand so that the person who has the said problem you are pointing out has absolutely NO idea that you are talking about them.  Enough of a problem, in fact, that the bushel of carrots I peeled and tried to cook boiled dry on the stove, burned, and stunk the place up.  Not only were we were robbed of that lovely turkey roasting smell, we had to eat dinner smelling the scent of burned carrots, reminiscent of a bad 50's sitcom about newlyweds in which the wife burns everything she cooks and makes horrible meatloaf. 

I'm wordy tonight, aren't I? I'm sorry.  What I meant to say is I burned the damn carrots because I was  busy tweeting and then I ran around the house doing my Lucy Ricardo imitation, which I thought was funny, but caused the people sitting on their asses to roll their eyes.  Which was probably more exertion than they were prepared for today.  Then I had to make more carrots.

Here are some tweets for you, and I didn't even have to lose any sleep over them: 

littleb wants to mail his Christmas cards now. Right now. Tried to explain we are slackers. We don't send cards. He's not buying it.

about 16 hours ago via web

If you r watching the MD parade and you see the Office Max float, can you tweet me the color of the elf's hat? Can't depend on Matt Lauer

about 16 hours ago via web

note to self: You being a flake will not automatically result in flaky piecrust. It does not work like that.

about 16 hours ago via web

lost a follower. I think it was Matt Lauer.

about 16 hours ago via web

What's a good substitute for corn starch? baking powder? Flour? vodka? I'm going with the vodka.

about 14 hours ago via web

Chicken, remember last summer when, in a organizational frenzy, you cleaned out your spices? Did you replace them? That's what I thought.

about 14 hours ago via web

Recipe for Worst Pumpkin Pie Ever: Suspicious can of pumpkin filling, gelatin, sugar, vodka, cinnamon, molasses. Better luck with turkey.

about 14 hours ago via web

And now I will attempt my signature recipe...Boursin Potato and Green Bean Gratin with Pancetta topping. Innovation, necessity, yada yada

about 12 hours ago via web

The number of people in your kitchen asking if you need help will increase in direct proportion to the readiness of the meal. True. Fact.

about 8 hours ago via web


I'm thankful the potato, gratin, greenbean experiment worked out, that the turkey was moist (but not contaminated) and for many, many things

about 1 hour ago via web

In between those somewhere, my left brain hemisphere and my right brain hemisphere got into a fight because, you know, holiday tension and burned carrots and all, and the left side tried to execute a coup to take out the normally dominant right side.  You know who won, because you wouldn't be reading this if old battle axe Righty had gone down with the carrots.  You'd be reading my potato gratin recipe with very exact directions, as if you need a recipe to make potatoes, cheese and cream taste good, and a sweet story about how TWLITB helped clean up after dinner.  You can go find me @chickensfeed if you really want to read about it, but who wants to read about my brain bickering with itself when you could be doing your Black Friday shopping at Walmart, am I right?

Oh.  And then after dinner, I got to sit and watch t.v.  Just reading that back makes me all soft and gooey inside.  I never get to watch t.v. except for Nick Jr.  but S. left the television on when she left and I sat in front of it.  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon was on.  I watched it for a half hour and then, in what can only be described as a transcendent and beautiful stroke of genius, I hid the remote and told littleb it was lost, whereupon he retired to the office with BigB, who is left-brained and therefore did not have the genius tools with which to even think of hiding the remote, and watched Max and Ruby until he fell asleep drooling chocolate hershey kisses. 

Yes, we can discuss my parenting skills later, but I've never seen a housewives show.  It was fascinating, primal and oh so disturbing, and I loved every minute.  I'm thankful to you, Housewives, for every brain cell-destroying second.  I just hope you went after the left side, which wouldn't be missed much.  Something tells me you did good, because I haven't had one coherent thought since I first considered whether or not your cheekbones and noses are for real. 

And so-for my successful potato-green bean-gratin and moist turkey, a decadent night of trash television, and TWLITB's generous gesture, and for many, many other wonderful things including you guys, I am thankful and fulfilled.  And BigB is thankful I didn't make my special meatloaf.

Enjoy your shopping tomorrow, if you do that kind of thing.  I'll be tweeting and feverishly trying to find that housewives channel.  I'll probably have to wrestle littleb for the remote but I've been working out.  I think I can take him.

Chicken out