Will The Real "Anonymous" Please Step Forward...

Salutations, World

It's me, Charlotte. Just kidding.

Earlier in the week, I posted this as a gift for all (4) of my loyal readers:  http://rhodeislandread.blogspot.com/2010/02/chicken-surprise-for-loyal-readers-only.html


I spent a lot of time on it and I thought everyone would love it and we could have a lot of deep conversations over all the great blogs out there and further the character development of Pearl Annabelle Lafleur.  But nobody read it.  I waited two whole days.  This is me waiting:

 


So then I posted this:  http://rhodeislandread.blogspot.com/2010/02/well-isnt-it-ironic-little-too-ironic.html
to remind my loyal readers to not take me for granted because I do have feelings and all, and also to alert them to the original post.  I could have just sent a direct email to all four of them. Since one of them is my daughter, I could have just said something to her.  But I like to do things the hard way whenever possible so writing a second post that, as fate would have it, no one would read within the next 24 hours, seemed like the way to go.  Here I am waiting for someone to read my second post and not getting any younger:

And then I began posting my own comments because nobody was out there. They were all busy fawning over their Valentine's Day roses, I guess:

Get it ??

Anyway....

But then, Anonymous saved me from myself. Anonymous left a comment:

Anonymous said...

Chicken,


Stop drinking the bong water. Anna, Alanis, and Tiger do not read your blog. I do, however, and I am way better than any of them.

And now enquiring Chickens want to know...Who was Anonymous??

My first thought was:

 of course and FINALLY. But reality hit and I realized Bruce is probably a little too busy to go about searching for the best hidden blog on the blogosphere.

So then I thought:

 He got my tweet and decided to check in? Prince would definitely think he was "way better", so that part made sense. But then I realized that Prince is so "Way Better" that he would not be looking on anyone's blog but his own.

Okay, not a Rockstar. That leaves friends and bloggers. I have my suspicions.

Come forth Oh Anonymous and be immortalized and rewarded.

Hopefully, you have realized that this post is me learning how to enhance my blog.  I'm going to post now-let's see what happens.  I'm getting scary messages about errors....

Which Came First? Chicken or Egg?

Dear World:

Sorry for my little snit. I wasn't really that upset. Just having some fun and creating some drama for myself. That's what us middle chickens do.

I've just returned from a trip through blogger world; triple the fun of Disney at a smidgen of the price. I've come to the conclusion that I need some bells and whistles and other stuff I don't know the names of. All the really great blogs I've seen have things in common-there are photogaphs, videos, multiple pages. One blog even has secret hidden stuff, like a Dan Brown novel, only much more fun and with no self-flagellating albinos. As soon as I have time to sit down and figure it out I'll be growing up. So to speak.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about the condition of the human being. You know, all that stuff that is built into our DNA.

Three things that stand out about being human (as opposed to being a brick or something along those lines) are eating, procreating, and digestion.

Think about the importance we put on these activities; the ads, the books, the magazines, television....does it ever seem to you as though we all have an unnatural focus on these subjects? Does it seem as though it is all we ever think about? Does it sometimes feel...silly?

I'm not touching the procreation thing, not tonight. But feel free if you are inspired.

(Cue Twilight Zone Music)

Imagine a parallel universe. Imagine there's no need to eat to sustain one's self. I know you are thinking about the Beatles right now. Focus for one minute. So...no food, which means no restaurants, no grocery stores, no cooking shows, or cook books and no "Biggest Loser". It means no indigestion, no constipation, no munchies, no diarrhea, no throwing up, and no Peptol Bismol.

What it also means is no focus at a party and that means people walking around totally bored, without the anchor of food or alcohol (oh yes, friends, if there is no need to consume, there is no alcohol). Sure, there is small talk. Sure, the guest of honor is important. But what? No Fucking Ziti? (My favorite line ever from "The Sopranos", episode ohhh I don't know. Young Anthony.)

Without the need to eat would we would have any socialization at all? Is the need to eat the precursor to the need to procreate? Or vice-versa?

Which did come first? The Chicken or the Egg? And since they are both edible, is this really a relevant question?

I'm sure this is all documented somewhere. Probably Freud has it covered.

Take Care,
Chicken

Well, Isn't It Ironic. A Little Too Ironic.

OH! Well! Look who finally showed up. If it isn't the World.

Do you know what time it is?

Where the hell have you been??

I spent hours. HOURS, do you hear me? I spent HOURS planning a beautiful post; HOURS shopping for just the right ingredients-the perfect analogy, the wryest wit, sarcasm with just the right amount of bite; HOURS constructing and layering each of those ingredients into a delicious reading experience just for you and what do you do? NOTHING, that's what. You didn't respond to my Tweet, you didn't click on my link, you didn't even check in just to see how I was doing on Valentine's Day.

And now my beautiful Post is RUINED. It's deflated and soggy. YES IT IS!!!

Don't even try to make me feel better. I'm too upset.

(Chicken reaches for her coat, flips her scarf dramatically around her neck
and heads for the door).

If you NEED me Loyal Readers, which I'm sure you WON'T, I'll be over at Alanis' house drinking Chardonnay. SHE really gets me. You coming with me Pearl Annabelle Lafleur?

Pearl just said "Damn Straight I am, Chicken, lemme grab my coat." Now that's Loyalty.

Smell you later world.
(off stage sound of door slamming. Dramatically.)

Uncensored Chicken Surprise, For Loyal Readers Only

Hey World:

I've been engaged in a very worthy cause today. I've been thinking about you Loyal Readers and how you are here week after week reading my posts and leaving nice comments for me which are totally like little gifts to me, you have no idea.

If I'm feeling needy and ask the little guy what he thinks of my blog, his most likely response is "chocolatehead-poopy-starfish-chocolateraisins-mommyhead-let's watch Max and Ruby!" Anyone else in my family is likely to respond, "What Blog?", which is probably just as well.

Anyway, your funny side-notes and compliments make my day, which is why I wanted to offer some small token of my esteem for y'all.

BULLETIN: uhh...okay...looks like one of the voices is all Southern tonight. Don't panic. As I've mentioned, the voices are harmless. Let's call her Pearl, ok? Pearl Annabelle Lafleur. She's from Mississippi. Word on the street is that there's some pirate Cajun blood raging through her veins that tends to show itself at the most inopportune times, most recently during her nephew's ballet recital when someone NOT from the South, but possibly from the UK, called him a "right lit'le wanker", and Pearl Annabelle Lafleur...well I'll tell you about it later.

Where was I?

...Loyal Readers, right, now I remember.

Back to you. I do want to stress here that this post is ONLY for Loyal Readers, so if you just tuned in, drawn by the title and the exclusivity intimated therein, I have to say that A.) I should have thought of that a long time ago, and B.) this post is not for you.

Okay, if you are going to whine about it, or sue me, here's your loophole you Right Wanker. Go to any of my other posts, read, and leave a comment-a nice comment, mind you, and then come back, and we will let you join the troops of Loyal Readers. But don't even try to read this post without establishing your membership because The Chicken knows people who know where you live. And so does Pearl.

Big Breath. And exhale. Okay. Finally. After your many weeks of faithful reading, Loyal Readers, and in celebration of Valentine's Day, which I have softened up to now that I know about Valentinus the Martyred Priest, I wanted to offer up a small gift. The gift of laughter. And I have spent the day searching for other blogs that I know you will also love. I encourage you to link to them, read them, laugh out loud, maybe snort your tea or your vodka as the case may be, and then to come RIGHT BACK HERE. Okay? Deal? Good.

First off, I will start with my old favorites.

www.missdoxie.com is a blog about a lawyer in Atlanta with a passion for daschunds. She is hilarious and truly adorable, but she has sort of disappeared lately and I miss her a lot. But read her old stuff. "Fuck the Opera" is a particular favorite of mine

www.mytinykingdom.libsyn.com the blog of a mother of four boys and my first introduction to blogs

Next are recent favorites: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com

And www.barefootfoodie.com

And http://beccago.blogspot.com/


Here is one that I just found today and have spent a large part of the day reading. She's been around for a long, long time. I had fun going back through her archives

www.dooce.com

I saved my favorite for last. She is a born storyteller, but what kept me on her site were all the extras; the pictures, the videos, and the promise of access to a secret page if I could find the special link hidden in her blog. And I did. And it was so cool.

www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com


You have to understand, she is quite a bit younger than most of us but she's a bright penny, this Chick, and she has captured my heart. What Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and I like to do is get all liquored up, go on her blog, and live vicariously through her. Then we strap ourselves into the truck, go down to the Twist n' Shout, and line dance but not in a very straight line and with a lot of added extra steps, which may or may not sometimes result in an accidental elbow to the abdominal area of the Cougar in the tight jeans and Cowgirl hat who had the foresight to take dance lessons and may or may not have been rolling her eyes at us, but is definitely trying to steal all the cute Cowboys which is totally NOT acceptable to Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and me.

I have to go to bed now. Bed is calling. I hope you enjoy the blogs-please let me know.

Pearl says all y'all should come on back next Saturday when she's hosting a crawfish boil, and her weird cousin Claire Marie LaFleur will be there telling fortunes. There'll be fiddlin'.

You take care,now,y'hear?
Chicken