Friday, December 20, 2013

The Six Stages of Cable/Internet Service Disruption Adjustment

Warning:  This post is for mature audiences only.  And when I say mature, I do not necessarily mean mature in age. I mean mature.  As in the opposite of, "You are SO immature".  If no one has said this to you in the past five years, then you are probably mature enough to read this post without experiencing nightmares.

Otherwise.  Hmmm.  Hey you!  Hey!!  Have you heard that "Anchorman II" is out this weekend?  Okay, yeah, see ya later!

OMG lol.

Anyway, sometimes, maybe this has happened to you, your cable and internet service disappears for NO GOOD REASON.  I know. It's scary, right?  Imagine it happening for multiple days.

This is the tale I lived to tell.  Proceed at your own mental health risk.

The first stage is Denial/Delusion

1. Denial/Delusion:
    a.) The 7-year-old says:  "Mommy!  Haunted Hathaways is new tonight.  Fix it!  Fix it, Mommy.            fixxxxxitttttttt (insert high pitched squeal here.  Imagine crystal shattering).
    b.)  The 18-year-old says:  No way.  This cannot be happening to me.  Mom.  What's happening to me?  Mommy?
    c.)  CC:  I'm sure it's nothing boys.  I'll just reboot!! (this is the Delusion portion of our evening).

2. Anger:
    a.)  7YO:  Mommy. Spongebob.  Now.  I'm going to scream again.  (crystal shatters.  You know the drill)
    b.)  18YO:  MOM!  Just stop!  You can't fix it.  Call TECH SUPPORT!!!! OMG Why is this happening TO ME????
    c.)  Why isn't the reboot working???? X%^&*$##

3.  Bargaining:
     a.)  7 YO:   Mommy, pleeeeaasssse get Spongebob on. I'll sleep in my own bed and never say Poop again.
     b.) 18 YO:  Mom, don't cry. I'll call tech support and you can have some wine, ok?
     c.)  CC:  Please, God/Santa/Tech Support Guy, please, just fix it or deliver me to Heaven, ok?

4.  Fear:
     a.) 7 YO:  Mommy.  I'm scared.  You look scary.  Daddy?
     b.) 18 YO:  I'll never be a Professional Gamer Olympian now.
     c.)  CC:  All my blog followers will unfollow me.  All my carefully cultivated internet friends will unfriend me.

5.)  Sadness:
      a.)  7 YO: Mommy?  Is Spongebob dead?  I miss TV Mommy.
      b.)  18 YO:  My life is over.
      c.)  CC:  Internet, oh why hast thou forsaken me? Et tu Bravo?

6.)  Acceptance:
      a.) 7 YO:  Mommy, want to hear me sing Rudolph again?
      b.) 18 YO:  Hey, how about we rent some movies?
      c.)  CC:  Ok. Let's go to RedBox. Everyone in the car.  Everyone sing.........

 Bonus stage:  Nonacceptance:  NO!  NO, I do not accept this!  I cannot accept this!  Verizon.  Get someone out here now.  I WILL SWITCH TO COX. I WILL.  I'M DIALING.......

One voice is conspicuously absent here, have you noticed?  Yes, this person's response to the entire service interruption debacle was "Oh well.  It's not the end of the world."

Oh really, Person Hiding in His Office while your wife tries to keep two increasingly hostile  internet/television deprived boys entertained?  Person who is possibly, quite probably, a sociopath and is definitely acting a little morally superior right now but who has not had to miss a single important sporting event?  As of yet? Oh yes, BigB, Sunday is coming...

Chicken out

PS  I tried to find an image that might adequately portray my frustration with Verizon Tech Support, but I couldn't find one.  So then I decided to find a funny meme about IT, and couldn't find one.  Then I thought, hey, I'll find something cute, turn this frown upside down, and I couldn't find anything cute.  Then I realized it's me.  So I'm posting this instead. This is for you, BigB.

Tim Hawkins: Things You Don't Say To Your Wife