I'm Chicken. Sometimes I buy inappropriate footwear.
Last winter, gripped by spring fever and images of Orange County housewives cavorting in my head, I bought platform wedge sandals. I imagined wearing them with dresses, skirts, and cute jeans throughout the summer. I imagined the long, lean line they would give my legs. I imagined looking five inches taller and 20 pounds lighter. I might have imagined being kidnapped by Eric Northman in full-on vampire mode, and not trying very hard to escape. It is not that easy to run in platform wedge sandals.
I should have imagined them sitting in my closet gathering dust.
It's not that I don't like them. I try them on all the time. I stand in front of the mirror, check out the front view, check out the back view, admire the longer leg line, then take them off and toss them back into the closet.
Why can't I wear these shoes and feel Northman-worthy?
I suspect these shoes try too hard. These shoes are the spray-tanning, Pilates-practicing, lunch-doing, housewives of the shoe world. These sandals say to the world, "Hey. World. Look at Chicken! She's trying to look hot! At her age! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha."
Stupid, big-mouth shoes.
You, Platform Wedge Sandals, are a liability I can't afford. You might help me break my ankle or worse, make me look silly in public. I'm sending you away, Shoes. It's for your own good. You may have a big mouth and youthful pretensions, but I've become fond of you. You are too cute to spend the remainder of your trending years in a dark closet.
Go on now. Get out of here.
Maybe you'll end up with a Lucky magazine guest blogger from Long Island known for her fresh take on old classics. She'll pair you with denim on denim, a summer-weight scarf and a designer bag. And that's just Monday's look! Wait 'til you see what she comes up with for Dress Down Friday! Ooh, you'll be so nonchalant and fabulous!
Or maybe you'll catch the eye of a middle-aged bartender with a boob job, a dolphin tattoo and a Jimmy Buffet obsession. She'll wear you with big hoop earrings, a hot pink tank top, and white short shorts. She'll still look pretty damn good for her age if she doesn't say so herself! Which she will. After too many margaritas, she'll bust out with some impressive dance moves giving you work-outs you could only dream about, shut away in my closet with the other misfit shoes.
I 'm not telling you what to do, Shoes, but you'll have a better shot at running into Eric Northman with the bartender.
And if you see him, tell him "Hey" from Chicken.