Two weeks ago, R started complaining about her ear. It had water in it, it had wax, she was sure there was a tumor, she wanted to cut off her ear just like Van Gogh, etc.
On and on with the ear drama. R is pretty dramatic. I am the opposite of dramatic.
Well, except when it pertains to me. Then I've been known to get a little dramatic. In fact, right now, GG is remembering my eye drama of less than a week ago, which she was privy to only because we were engaged in a lengthy e-mail exchange when, frankly, we both had other stuff we should have been doing. Then, in the middle of the email extravaganza, my eyes got a little wonky and all my drama was unleashed via a series of frantic emails that went something like this:
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God I can't see. There are prisms. I have to go check WebMD
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Here is a helpful website
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Web MD says I should seek medical attention immediately. I don't know what to do. What should I do?
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Uh, seek medical attention?
Here's another website
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
My retina might be detached. Shit. And your websites are talking crap about colors. Stop sending them. I'm not seeing colors. Forget about the prisms. It's like....it's like I'm inside a giant disco ball, and I'm looking out through all the little pieces of glass. Seeing little jagged edges.
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Is James Frey there?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Ha ha, yes he is, but he is a little disjointed as usual. Hey, that was kind of poetic, all that disco ball stuff. You know, like me living inside a giant disco ball looking out onto the dance floor at all the other people having fun, but I can't because I'm stuck inside a giant disco ball 20 feet off the ground and I can only watch? Through my jaded, jagged vision?
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
So did you call the doctor?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Maybe I could blog about it. Or, or...or....maybe I could write a poem about it and post it on Bob Schneider's website!!
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
NO! Stop posting crap on Bob Schneider's website before you get arrested. That's just general advice. No charge. Now focus. (haha, get it?) What's happening with the eyes? Do you need to go to the hospital?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Oh, it is going away now. It has moved from the center to the sides. I suppose that is my retina peeling away. So help me flesh out this disco ball thing. Okaaay....I'm living in a disco ball....what do I seeeeee? Oh! There's a guy in a John Travolta suit, only he's wearing it in an ironic way, sooooo....it must not be the 70's....And, oh, oh, look over there! It's a giant penis! Oh wait. No, it is just Piers Morgan.
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
So we're in Williamsburg? You're stuck in a disco ball at a hipster party in Williamsburg?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Hmm. Don't think so. The ironic statement thing has gone too mainstream. 12-year olds are drinking Pabst and wearing over-sized glasses. The Williamsburg crowd is probably wearing things woven from grass now. And probably in a very earnest, socially responsible way. A way that we've never heard of. I'm thinking we're probably south of Boston or something. Yep! Definitely Boston. See that douche dressed like a Kennedy? Oh wait, that is a Kennedy. Sorry Mr. Kennedy! Oh, hey-you are drooling a little...yeah...right there....ok you got it. It's gone. No, I'm busy tonight but maybe never? (wink/shrug). Okay, see ya then Doll.
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
And Chicken...Look over there! To the left and behind the Giant Penis, yeah, is that...is that....trans-gender Barbara Streisand???? God, she needs to get a new manicure. Long nails are so out.
Wait. Stop. Chicken. How are your eyes?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Ha ha ha...look.....Kennedy and the Giant Penis are both hitting on Barbara....I think the GP might win this one...
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
Chicken! Focus! (snort). Enough with the disco ball. Your eyes-are you ok? Are you still blind?
To: GG
From: Chicken
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
What? My eyes? Oh, yeah, I think you're right! He IS pretending to be Jackson Browne. Oh, look, he's trying to rev up Barbara with the Kennedy, hahaha.
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: OMG OMG OMG
I tire of you Chicken. Let me know how it works out with the eyes.
And back to R and her Ear...where was I....
Finally, after a couple weeks of picking up q-tips all over the house, left over from R's pitiful attempts to dig the tumor out of her ear, I relented and took her to the clinic.
The doctor said "What's the problem?"
R said, "My ear hurts (and I probably have an ear tumor)", so the doctor looked in her ear. And then he started laughing and called all of the nurses over. And then they started laughing. So R started laughing because she does that when she's nervous (instead of saying, "Hey, why are you laughing, my ear hurts- that's not funny assholes").
Then the doctor took out his doctor tools, reached into R's ear, and plucked out a.....
q-tip.
And then R said, "wow, I feel better".
The End.
Except it is NOT the end, because the nurse didn't want R to be embarrassed, which was really nice of her, or maybe she was just trying to be the center of attention because nurses can TOTALLY be like that, right AN?, and she told R that once she pulled a cockroach out of somebody's ear.
And that is why I am still up, World, because a nurse pulled a cockroach out of some one's ear and it reminded me of a book I read about a tiny spider that crawled into a guy's ear while he was sleeping, took up residence there, and slowly built a web all over his brain, but not before making him really miserable, not to mention crazy in a totally, "Heeeerrreee's Joooohhhnnny" kind of way. I can't remember if that book was based on a true story. But I think it might have been.
Now I can't sleep. F'ng spiders are always ruining someone's day. Have you ever noticed that?
Anyway, R is better and I'm not blind, so there's that. Sleep tight, World.
Chicken out
