Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Chicken and the Genetically Altered Filet O' Fish....

Hi World:

You know what is really sad?  When you are looking forward to the next day being Friday and you wake up from a dead sleep to realize that the next day is really only Thursday.  It's not 2012 Apocalypse sad, no, but there are many different kinds of sad.  This is one of the everyday ones for those of us with memory loss.  Littleb wakes up every morning and says, "It's a boodiful nice day out there!" usually followed by, "what day is it, Mommy?" and it makes no difference to him....Monday, Tuesday, Saturday.  It's all good.  Let's all be like littleb tomorrow (Thursday for the record), that's my suggestion.

Anyway.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile (okay, two weeks) know that I have an addiction for which I am in recovery.  I'm sad to say that today I gave in to my addiction.  But I learned from it, and that is almost worth it.  Right?  Right????

This is what happened:

Today I did not bring a lunch to work, as I usually do, and I happened to be on the road around lunchtime.  I found myself hungry and at just the time I noticed my hunger, I found myself in front of a McDonalds.  I didn't think twice.  Or even once.  I drove right up to the speaker and in a world-weary voice (for we have been here many times), I ordered a filet o' fish.    My drug of choice. 

Of course, I rationalized the hell out of this purchase.  Here's my list of rationalizations:
  • I need this filet o' fish because I have been eating all these soy beans, flax, almonds and salads and it is wreaking havoc on my intestines.  I know.  That is the saddest excuse ever, right?  Totally true.  I convinced myself that I needed a meal containing grease as the primary ingredient to flush all the roughage out.  Picture, if you will, the intenstines as a Slip and Slide.  Ahhh.  Not so crazy after all, right?
  • I haven't had a filet o' fish for three weeks
  • If I were Catholic and it were Friday, I would be doing a pious thing (see how I did that?  Pretty slick, right?)
  • This would make a funny blog entry
You know you are an addict when you happen to find yourself in front of a dealer just when the yearning reaches critical mass. (Critical mass?  Where the hell did that come from?  Am I channeling NASA tonight?  I don't even know what critical mass IS.  But it sounds good.  I'm keeping it.  Welcome to Bob Marley's head.)

I've been reading a bit about addiction lately in one of my Borders sales-rack-finds.  In Susan Cheever's book "Desire" she examines sex addiction (No. Not even close.  Ask BigB.  It cost one dollar and her father was John Cheever.  I'm a sucker for a good family name.).  In the book, which I am really enjoying, by the way, she often talks about the addictive personality, rather than just the one distinct addiction.  She talks (loose translation here) about how addicts enter a "zone" when their addiction yearning reaches critical mass and they often act with no later recollection of their actions.  They just "awaken" from the zone feeling guilt and a sense of remorse. 

Hello remorse. My old friend.  I know I shouldn't have eaten you lovely filet o' fish.  What did you ever do to me?  Okay, you've clogged my arteries, made me sluggish, and I'm probably carrying around a few extra pounds, but that's down to me, right, my friend?  No one forced me through that drive through.  I was in the zone.  And not in a good way.

When I came to, I did something that I never ever do.  I read the nutrition facts that were handily printed on the (recyclable-good for you McDonalds) container.  I do not ever read labels when eating something unhealthy because when you know something is bad for you, you really don't want to read HOW bad, am I right? 

I figured a filet' o fish must contain about 1,000 calories and 40 grams of fat.  I mean, look at it:



See all that yummy sauce, that triangle of cheese, that lovely bun? 

Here is what the container said:  380 calories, 18 grams of fat, and 38 grams carb.

Huh?  I think a handful of peanuts comes to about that.  Am I the only one that finds this information hard to believe?  I did a little research.

A filet o' fish is constructed as such:  A roll (white), a breaded, fried, fish patty, tarter sauce (special sauce?), and american cheese.

Two tablespoons of tarter sauce contain 148 calories and 15 grams of fat.  One slice of american cheese contains 106 calories and 8.8 grams of fat.  A basic hamburger roll contains 79 calories and 1.2 grams fat.   

Thus far, the count for all of the above together is  333 calories, 25 grams of fat?

It doesn't add up, does it World?  And we haven't even added in the lovely breaded fried fish patty.

Has McDonalds discovered the secret of the negative-fat-fried-fish patty?  I know their sauce is special, but is it that special? 

It must be true.  The poster boys for American obesity could not get away with undereporting their nutritional facts what with all the lynch mob mindset of the ADA and the "SuperSize Me" propaganda floating around out there.

Oh happy, boodiful day!

I will be indulging much more often now that I know how healthy o' choice my addiction is.  Damn these nutritionists and their lying, manipulative ways.  All these years, all the seas' fried bounty I could have enjoyed, all that specialicious sauce.  NO MORE.  I am in, McDonalds.  I will no longer be manipulated by the machine known as the ADA.  You can count on me.

Yes, I think I will have fries with that. 
Sign me recovered,
Chicken out

DISCLAIMER:  This Chicken is not receiving lobbyist monies from the Ronald.  However, let it be known that should the Ronald reach into his deep pocket, Chicken is in.  This product is obviously healthy and superior to other fried fish sandwich products on the market (this means you , BK BIG FISH).