World. Hi.
Today I got the following email and well...it speaks for itself:
To: Chicken
From: GG
Subject: Overheard from Chicken's last confession:
Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It has been 13 days since my last blog update. My cadre of followers (small, but intensely loyal within the confines of their hummingbird-like attention spans) needs to hear from me, yet I am silent as the grave. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Somewhere in New England, and all the way down the street to where my Portuguese neighbors have one of those Our Lady on a Half-Shell lawn ornaments, and I pray to the blindingly aquamarine Virgin to inspire me, I got nothin'. Bupkis. So I'm asking you, Father, to intervene for me and ask the Baby Jesus(Perhaps as a birthday wish when he's blowing out his candles next week? Just a thought.) to bring me inspiration, that I might blog again. I DO believe in miracles. (And I DO I DO I DO believe in spooks, too, as it happens. The Cowardly Lion and I are TIGHT like that.)
Thank you for your time,
Chicken.
Ahhh. Poetry to my ears. And of course I responded.
To: GG
From: Chicken
Re: I am Saved
You know what I am going to do with this, right? Oh, Yes I am, GG. It is too funny for the world not to read. And lo this long day I have been inspired by thy funniness and now must preach the gospel of GG. I am called upon by Santa, the Faeries, Nora Ephron, and perhaps even the Baby Jesus (who I am thinking has one enormous sense of humor but who also, come to think of it, may be a tad mentally conflicted, and who could blame him..."here Baby Jesus, have some Frankencense and Myrrh, listen to my drums, you are King"...wait for it.... "you SUCK Baby Jesus, now carry this cross and hold still while we nail you to it. This is going to hurt a bit") to spread thy teachings amongst the humorless masses to further my own narcissistic need for attention through laughter because I am a Lucky Lucky Chicken to have been saved by the cheeky humor of GG. And I will implore my readers, "Come Closer, my Friends. Do not be afraid, for thou art in the house of GG. The water is warm and fine and might be wine cause chickens, as we all know, are not generally fond of water. Be annointed. Go in Laughter. Amen."
WARNING TO ALL READERS: There will be fall out.
Take cover.
Chicken, over and out (And hiding.)
No judgement coming from me! (Remember I'm the one with the kid who has God confused with Santa!) Merry Christmas! CB
ReplyDeleteCovering all the bases...maybe give him a Buddha statue just to be on the safe side:-) Merry Christmas to you all!
ReplyDeleteLoose beaks sink ships, Chicken. I mean, you SAW The DaVinci Code, right??? Geez, I make ONE little joke about Jesus and his Mom, and next thing you know, I'm being hunted down by a giant flagellating albino. Maybe if I was McGyver, I could fight him off with your trumpet, some antibacterial spray and a cannister of pennies, and then make a quick qetaway by fake parachute, but I'm bloody well not and he's going to catch me and kill me and well...be it on your own feathered head. Merry F'ing Christmas, Chicken. ~GG
ReplyDeleteGG, I am much more afraid of my Portuguese neighbors who are now coming to the realization that I have been the one leaving Leis around the Aquamarine Virgin's neck and propping her space with coconut shell tropical drinks. But if you are truly afraid of the flatulant albino (snicker), I have a plan. I will drive the getaway car. In five minutes, not even we will know where we are. Jesus loves you and so do I Green Girl. Good luck today.
ReplyDeleteSo we pray to the Blog gods now? I'm all for it if it means I can stop mailing those pesky Holiday cards that have to be so PC now that they all just show snowmen and say Seasons Greetings. Not that I pray to bathtup Marys, but they don't make Happy Winter Solstice/Stolen Pagan Sun Ritual cards, so I will happily settle for a heart-felt 'Merry Christmas' to all.
ReplyDeleteOf course I must confess that I enjoy writing and getting "those pesky cards" - especially when I have something to put in them about the past year other than: "well, it's been another ho hum year... same old, same old, blah, blah, blah, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah." Like it's so much more fun for an extrovert like me to announce a new puppy, or a move to a new house, or something really cool like: I was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and went to an all-inclusive Caribbean resort to celebrate and start spending my $1.4 million in order to do my part to stimulate the economy, which is where I met Tom Cruise who said he's never met someone as real as me (size 12 and all) and is leaving his wife, girlfriend, and the gay lover he has on the down low, in order to be with me on our own private island (wink).
In a way those little notes we put into those cards, or those of us who go into super-holiday mode and include the Family Year In Review 2-page letter were a sort of pre-curser to blogging: a chance to tell the world what's on our mind.
Ha-I love those holiday cards. By the way, the Snowman's Union 668 called and they want to know where the commissions are for the use of their likeness on your holiday cards. Better stick to personal photos of the pets, Bea Girl. My holiday newsletter this year will include details of my brief affair with Tiger Woods in 1992. We watched the movie Ghost and snuggled in front of the fire with hot chocolate. Then I read him a story and he drifted off to sleep. It was very sweet. He was, like, 8 at the time.
ReplyDeleteOK, so it was 1992. I still think it would make good fodder for the 2009 Christmas recap letter! Go for it! And, in fact, I understand that mentioning hot names-in-the-news helps blog searches! Who else did you know "before they were famous"? Or, now that you are at the hot, hot, hot NYLO - RI, what person of interest has crossed your threshhold lately?
ReplyDeleteAs for the snowPERSONs' union (or is that too PC?), I'll pay the commissions in snow-money. Otherwise they stand a snowball's chance in h**l of getting any money out of me. lol And, you should see how much my dogs charged me for that sitting fee!!
Oh yeah, right, it's supposed to be a current year re-cap, right? In that case, I had better skip it. I think Elvis was in the hotel this week, though. It's all the blue. Matches his shoes. I forgot about the Snowdog union. They are tough! You could also possibly pay the snowmen in carrots. Or coal.
ReplyDelete