The other morning I was sitting in my backyard with my feet up and a fresh hot cup of black coffee on hand. It was sunny and hot. I had my eyes closed and my face tilted toward the sun. I resembled, a little bit, our lizard, the Wizard. Except I was much happier than Wizard because I was outside on a sunny day lounging in the sun, not in a crappy, smelly cage with pieces of cricket carcasses all around me.
Then again, maybe the Wizard is quite happy. I do not know. I’m not a Wizard Whisperer.
Anyway….I was lounging happily, tossing bits of muffin to a friendly little squirrel, and I was thinking about God’s infinite wisdom. The way we are all put together, woman, man, beast, plant. We all have our systems, and those systems are so nuanced and intricate, yet hardy, and given proper sustenance, we all thrive; children grow, tomatoes grow, kittens grow, tadpoles grow, and caterpillars become butterflies in their amazing transformation.
Thinking about the butterflies got me thinking about pregnancy and the whole female reproduction system. We female mammals can grow babies in our bellies and then give birth to them in a method that would seemingly be impossible but is somehow possible and beautiful. Us women are built for that, whether human, cats, dogs, or whales. God is so benevolent. In so many ways, I thought, I’m just like that squirrel over there. Assuming that squirrel is a girl squirrel.
And that is when the discrepancy suddenly hit me…That squirrel has never had a period!
Why are we human females the only species of females that have monthly periods? Why do we have the singular honor each month of bloating, bleeding, cramping, and being so full of bitterness and bile that we can’t even stand our selves!
Why are we the only ones that will unfailingly find ourselves somewhere without a bathroom or a tampon when we most need one.
Why are we the only ones that A) have spouses and B) want to kill them once each month over a three day stretch?
Why aren’t WE allowed to eat our young and get away with it on those days when we’ve quite simply had enough? Rats can do it. But do rats have to cart around an extra 30% of their body weight every 28 days? Noooo.
Do you see dogs and cats getting bloated and bitchy and experiencing embarrassing accidents?
Can you imagine how many tampons a nurse whale would require a day? And what size they’d have to be? If whales needed tampons, we probably could have plugged that oil leak in no time!
Can you imagine what might happen if a grizzly or an elephant had PMS?
I had been looking at that girl squirrel thinking, “You know, Girl Squirrel, you and I are all part of the same sisterhood, aren’t we? We’re all the same on the inside."
But we’re not, as it turns out. So I said, "The sisterhood is over, Squirrel. Get off my land and you can leave that muffin RIGHT there, bitch."
Let the PMS begin.
Chicken out
1. Eve ate the damned apple, THAT'S why we are the only monthlies.
ReplyDelete2. How the flock do you go from butterflies to pregnancy?
3. I don't know what I was gonna say, and don't give a rip, cuz I got PMS!
Oh poor Eve. My heart bleeds for her. NOT EXACTLY! Caterpillars are reborn as butterflies. C'mon, Dee. It's not THAT much of a leap.
ReplyDeleteWanna fight? Or should we take it out on someone else?
Someone needs to make a PMS Express Lane at the grocery store and stock it with chocolate and wine. That's what I think.
ReplyDeleteYou've been doing a lot of thinking lately. That must hurt.
Mine come with migraines. I have a migraine today. Enough said.
ReplyDeletexo -E
Bossy-that is a very good thought. You think better than I do and probably half as painfully.
ReplyDeleteE-sorry-you have my sympathies. The squirrel doesn't care but I do.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
ReplyDeleteWow. We're spending way too much time together if our cycles have already synched up. If you need me, I'll be in the corner digging out my uterus with a rusted spoon pausing only to eat wads of frozen cookie dough.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that many of you are all cycling at the same time. so in order to preserve my safety I'll not go into any sarcastic remarks.
ReplyDeleteBut funny is good right, right?
What is the difference between a pitbull and a womanwith PMS?
Lipstick.
How can you tell which bottle contains PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
You know a woman has PMS when;
She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
and finally;
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
I;m sorry I could'nt help myself.
Okay, I hate to go all "Bill Nye" on you, but other female mammals have reproductive problems of their own. Baboons, for example. Seriously, how would you like having to "go into heat", have your ass inflate to three times it's normal size, turn the blinking neon color of a Tequila Sunrise, and start throwing off enough pheromones to invite every stray male in the neighborhood to the party in your pants?
ReplyDeleteDude. Gimme a tampon and a bag of Hershey Kisses. Mamma Nature was good to us human girls.
GG
Noelle-thank you:-)
ReplyDeleteElly Lou drop the rusty spoon. Tetanus is not going to make you feel butter. On the other hand, good call with cookie dough.
Anonymous: a.) We all know you are not sorry and b.) do you really think we can't track you?
Sleep with your eyes open, friend, and stay the hell out of the red tent.
GG-who is Bill Nye?
ReplyDeleteI can raise some sympathy for the babboon. But, you know, when you have a face that, you kind of need a back up plan 'cause sure enough no one is seeking you out for procreation purposes. Just sayin'. The big flourescent butt and pheromones might not be a bad thing.
On the other hand, we human females at least have boxed wine to help us deal.
WHAAAAAAAAAT? You've never heard of Bill Nye? Bill Nye, THE SCIENCE GUY?????? Are you f'ing kidding me? Oh, chicken. *shakes head sadly*.
ReplyDeleteGG
Ok, GG, Ok. No need to get snarky. Of course I've heard of him. I just needed the rhyme to make the connection. Like, whenever I think about government, I have to sing the "I'm just a bill, just a regular bill" song to get my bearings because I can never keep it straight. Besides, with that mouth, you're no Bill Nye, lemme tell ya.
ReplyDeleteHowdy, Chicken.
ReplyDeleteMany apologies for my absence... I just got a little swamped with work, life, etc., and then once you've been gone for awhile, the pressure of your first post out of the gate is a little intense (for me, at least)... and blame my guilty hiding in the corner for my lack of comments.
Hope you are well, and I promise, promise to write soon.
xo
I see a new post up there for you Lucky Punk. Can't wait to read it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWHERE are you? Do you have a note for your absence???
ReplyDeleteHa. Are you the hall monitor? I dunno. (hangs head in mock shame). It's summer, man.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anonymous for being the Bill Nye stand-in on this thread. I have owned a number of female mammals (I could say "pets" or "animals" but must insist on "mammals" since that is the distinguishing characteristic - my pigeons or gold fish certainly never had a period) and let me tell you, I am trying to avoid the female of the species whenever possible! That said, I am about to try and mix a mare in with 3 geldings (that's male horses who no longer really qualify as males, since a certain operation). Wish me luck.
ReplyDelete