The other morning I was sitting in my backyard with my feet up and a fresh hot cup of black coffee on hand. It was sunny and hot. I had my eyes closed and my face tilted toward the sun. I resembled, a little bit, our lizard, the Wizard. Except I was much happier than Wizard because I was outside on a sunny day lounging in the sun, not in a crappy, smelly cage with pieces of cricket carcasses all around me.
Then again, maybe the Wizard is quite happy. I do not know. I’m not a Wizard Whisperer.
Anyway….I was lounging happily, tossing bits of muffin to a friendly little squirrel, and I was thinking about God’s infinite wisdom. The way we are all put together, woman, man, beast, plant. We all have our systems, and those systems are so nuanced and intricate, yet hardy, and given proper sustenance, we all thrive; children grow, tomatoes grow, kittens grow, tadpoles grow, and caterpillars become butterflies in their amazing transformation.
Thinking about the butterflies got me thinking about pregnancy and the whole female reproduction system. We female mammals can grow babies in our bellies and then give birth to them in a method that would seemingly be impossible but is somehow possible and beautiful. Us women are built for that, whether human, cats, dogs, or whales. God is so benevolent. In so many ways, I thought, I’m just like that squirrel over there. Assuming that squirrel is a girl squirrel.
Why are we human females the only species of females that have monthly periods? Why do we have the singular honor each month of bloating, bleeding, cramping, and being so full of bitterness and bile that we can’t even stand our selves!
Why are we the only ones that will unfailingly find ourselves somewhere without a bathroom or a tampon when we most need one.
Why are we the only ones that A) have spouses and B) want to kill them once each month over a three day stretch?
Why aren’t WE allowed to eat our young and get away with it on those days when we’ve quite simply had enough? Rats can do it. But do rats have to cart around an extra 30% of their body weight every 28 days? Noooo.
Do you see dogs and cats getting bloated and bitchy and experiencing embarrassing accidents?
Can you imagine how many tampons a nurse whale would require a day? And what size they’d have to be? If whales needed tampons, we probably could have plugged that oil leak in no time!
Can you imagine what might happen if a grizzly or an elephant had PMS?
I had been looking at that girl squirrel thinking, “You know, Girl Squirrel, you and I are all part of the same sisterhood, aren’t we? We’re all the same on the inside."
But we’re not, as it turns out. So I said, "The sisterhood is over, Squirrel. Get off my land and you can leave that muffin RIGHT there, bitch."
Let the PMS begin.