Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Is Over and I'm Thankful to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Hi World,

I hope that if you were celebrating Thanksgiving today that you are well and truly stuffed full of good things.  Well, even if you didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you at least got a marmite sandwich and a bag of crisps.

I've decided that if I get to come back for another life, I'm coming back as someone who gets to sit on my ass all day, watching the parade and then the football game, until it's time to get up and go sit on my ass in the dining room.  That seems like a lot more fun than trying to remember how to make gravy.

To be fair, I spent a lot of time tweeting, which is getting to be a little bit of a problem.  You know, problem, as in a problem that you point out to someone behind a raised hand so that the person who has the said problem you are pointing out has absolutely NO idea that you are talking about them.  Enough of a problem, in fact, that the bushel of carrots I peeled and tried to cook boiled dry on the stove, burned, and stunk the place up.  Not only were we were robbed of that lovely turkey roasting smell, we had to eat dinner smelling the scent of burned carrots, reminiscent of a bad 50's sitcom about newlyweds in which the wife burns everything she cooks and makes horrible meatloaf. 

I'm wordy tonight, aren't I? I'm sorry.  What I meant to say is I burned the damn carrots because I was  busy tweeting and then I ran around the house doing my Lucy Ricardo imitation, which I thought was funny, but caused the people sitting on their asses to roll their eyes.  Which was probably more exertion than they were prepared for today.  Then I had to make more carrots.

Here are some tweets for you, and I didn't even have to lose any sleep over them: 

littleb wants to mail his Christmas cards now. Right now. Tried to explain we are slackers. We don't send cards. He's not buying it.

about 16 hours ago via web

If you r watching the MD parade and you see the Office Max float, can you tweet me the color of the elf's hat? Can't depend on Matt Lauer

about 16 hours ago via web

note to self: You being a flake will not automatically result in flaky piecrust. It does not work like that.

about 16 hours ago via web

lost a follower. I think it was Matt Lauer.

about 16 hours ago via web

What's a good substitute for corn starch? baking powder? Flour? vodka? I'm going with the vodka.

about 14 hours ago via web

Chicken, remember last summer when, in a organizational frenzy, you cleaned out your spices? Did you replace them? That's what I thought.

about 14 hours ago via web

Recipe for Worst Pumpkin Pie Ever: Suspicious can of pumpkin filling, gelatin, sugar, vodka, cinnamon, molasses. Better luck with turkey.

about 14 hours ago via web

And now I will attempt my signature recipe...Boursin Potato and Green Bean Gratin with Pancetta topping. Innovation, necessity, yada yada

about 12 hours ago via web

The number of people in your kitchen asking if you need help will increase in direct proportion to the readiness of the meal. True. Fact.

about 8 hours ago via web


I'm thankful the potato, gratin, greenbean experiment worked out, that the turkey was moist (but not contaminated) and for many, many things

about 1 hour ago via web

In between those somewhere, my left brain hemisphere and my right brain hemisphere got into a fight because, you know, holiday tension and burned carrots and all, and the left side tried to execute a coup to take out the normally dominant right side.  You know who won, because you wouldn't be reading this if old battle axe Righty had gone down with the carrots.  You'd be reading my potato gratin recipe with very exact directions, as if you need a recipe to make potatoes, cheese and cream taste good, and a sweet story about how TWLITB helped clean up after dinner.  You can go find me @chickensfeed if you really want to read about it, but who wants to read about my brain bickering with itself when you could be doing your Black Friday shopping at Walmart, am I right?

Oh.  And then after dinner, I got to sit and watch t.v.  Just reading that back makes me all soft and gooey inside.  I never get to watch t.v. except for Nick Jr.  but S. left the television on when she left and I sat in front of it.  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon was on.  I watched it for a half hour and then, in what can only be described as a transcendent and beautiful stroke of genius, I hid the remote and told littleb it was lost, whereupon he retired to the office with BigB, who is left-brained and therefore did not have the genius tools with which to even think of hiding the remote, and watched Max and Ruby until he fell asleep drooling chocolate hershey kisses. 

Yes, we can discuss my parenting skills later, but I've never seen a housewives show.  It was fascinating, primal and oh so disturbing, and I loved every minute.  I'm thankful to you, Housewives, for every brain cell-destroying second.  I just hope you went after the left side, which wouldn't be missed much.  Something tells me you did good, because I haven't had one coherent thought since I first considered whether or not your cheekbones and noses are for real. 

And so-for my successful potato-green bean-gratin and moist turkey, a decadent night of trash television, and TWLITB's generous gesture, and for many, many other wonderful things including you guys, I am thankful and fulfilled.  And BigB is thankful I didn't make my special meatloaf.

Enjoy your shopping tomorrow, if you do that kind of thing.  I'll be tweeting and feverishly trying to find that housewives channel.  I'll probably have to wrestle littleb for the remote but I've been working out.  I think I can take him.

Chicken out






 

24 comments:

  1. I had vegemite on toast for breakfast and BBQ chips this afternoon so Im assumng I fall into the Thanksgiving-less category.

    I vicariously skyped this morning with an American person and got to smell turkey though the computer though.

    You make Thanksgiving sound like so much fun! Next year you should just cut out all that work and swig the vodka straight from the bottle.

    And I would have brought wine but you didnt invite me...sob

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  2. I did invite you, Mrs. P. And I told you to bring wine, remember???? In fact, GG and I are planning a trip to Washington where the "I can has chzbrger" blogger is from because we suspect that blogger may be the highly elusive Miss Doxie, whose hilarious blog has not been updated in a year and who we miss very much, and we thought we'd visit Hyperbole and a half while we are out there, and she mentioned that we would have to stop and pick you up on the way and I may or may not have said that while we are in Adelaide we also need to kidnap David Thorne. So we'll spend the night in your guest room because it's a long trip and get a bright and early start. Sound good? Can you pack for David? He might not have time. ROAD.TRIP.

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  3. OY! I got hooked on The Real Housewives of DC this summer. Boy, that one was a doozy! They had the couple on that crashed Obama's first state dinner. You would've thought they'd started WWIII!

    Happy road tripping!

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  4. I tried to cook or shall I say replicate my mother in laws chili recipe and I got lost in the middle of tweeting and trying to pluck a pesky eyebrow hair....the chili burnt to the bottom of the pot. My husband was a trooper though and thought that scrapping the burning out of the pot would make it taste ok. It didn't. It tasted like burning.
    I feel ya.

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  5. Hi Katie-so glad I'm not the only one!

    Hi Kimberly-umm. Chile sounds good right now. But not burned Chili. Between the eyebrow plucking and the tweeting, how are we supposed to also fit in cooking, that's what I want to know. People expect way too much of us.

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  6. I want to be on your road trip with Ms. P. Except I don't enjoy the traveling part. But I love going new places and seeing people.

    People that I like. Not other people.

    I think it's not Thanksgiving until someone burns something. Or there's a lot of smoke. It just makes it smell like the holiday.

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  7. Oh Hi Suniverse. See, I was confused. I thought it wasn't Thanksgiving until someone got drunk and vomited turkey all over the clean bathroom. Next year, I'll just start the day with burned oatmeal and be done with it.

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  8. Writing down ..."burn something Christmas morning or it's not officially a holiday " ...

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  9. I did not shop, but did watch The Housewives of Beverly Hills! Om.Em.Gee.... What a show!

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  10. I know. Can you believe that Camille? I like the English one, though. Forget her name. I'll be tuning in for more of that guilty pleasure.

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  11. Okay, I burned my chocolate pound cake for Thanksgiving because I was writing a blog post.I guess it was officially a holiday! I ate Thanksgiving dinner in a three story antique collectibles shop...first for me.

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  12. LOL! Thanks for the giggles. You know, I never got the tweeting concept, but some of yours are pretty darn entertaining. :-)

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  13. I can almost smell those burned carrots just thinking about it. I wonder if it smells like burned rhubarb. Not that I have ever done that *cough*.

    I am one of those Facebook and Twitter holdouts, but it's for my own good. I already get far too little done in the course of a day. If I tweeted, it would be all over for my ass...or my fat ass would be all over...or something.

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  14. Dearest Chicken, I am jealous for two reasons: 1. you know how Twitter works and 2. You understand how the Housewives show works.
    Please give tutorial in both. Will be endebted to you forever.

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  15. Well, this year, what with the plague and being kidless, my Thanksgiving was watching the parade with a cup of coffee, a walk, and dinner at a restaurant.

    Now, I wouldn't want to do that EVERY year, but this year....it was probably all I could handle.

    And if you'd only added vodka to the carrots, all would have been saved!

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  16. Wait, you had time to cook AND tweet? You are amazing. And I did happen to see the organizational frenzy one. I remember smiling and thinking, that Chicken is a funny gal.
    ps - RH of Beverly Hills is the best show. Ever.

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  17. I feel the exact same way about Jersey Shore. Who know mocking others could feel SO good?

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  18. I have never really watched a Real Housewives show until the other day I caught the Atlanta version at noon. It's strangely fascinating. Of course the whole time I was kicking myself for not holding out longer for a sugar daddy... DAMN IT!

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  19. Elly Lou-still haven't seen Jersey Shore but it has entered my consciousness-it is only a matter of time.

    Absence-Just caught Atlanta yesterday. Trust me when I say it is still a world away from BH Housewives, where someone obviously went to the plastic surgeon and ordered a large side of Julia Robert's lips!

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  20. The Real Housewives hire people to burn their carrots for them.

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  21. boston market never burns their food. of course they don't have vodka gravy either, so thanksgiving dinner fail on my part.

    don't ya just love a guilty pleasure?

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  22. hahaha. I love Boston Market, actually. Maybe they should start adding vodka as a new side. Let's see, do ya want the sweet potatoes, greenbeans, cornbread, stuffing or vodka gravy, ma'am? You can pick three. ....hmmmmm-why don't you give me three sides of the vodka, hold the gravy. Yup, that oughta do it.

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  23. Hey Chicken, I just wanted to let you know that the comment you left me on my blog was enough to get me through some sticky parts with my 'youngest child' type character.
    Thank you so much for the encouragement and offer of help, because it really helped.
    And I had a quick question, say you were in the zombie apocalypse and you had some key evidence that could help stop the outbreak... what would your priorities look like?

    I love your blog BTW. It makes my day quite often.

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  24. Yay. I'm so glad you found the Housewives. I'm a huge fan of Atlanta and New Jersey. Can't get much more trainwreck-y than that!

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