Sunday, February 13, 2011

Warm Me Up

Hi ya, World,

Man in Black recently contacted me to let me know in no uncertain terms that I am in violation of my blog probation. He's an ass. He thinks those ray bans make him look cool but he is wrong. They make him look like an ass. Which he is.

But that's not why I've gathered you here today.

For Christmas, I gave TWLITB a new parka. And not just any parka, no. For TWLITB, because I heart him so much, I sought out the warmest coat that Lands End claims to sell, and I bought it. This is what it looks like.

Nice, right?

But because his father and I are not the world's most effective communicators, he also received a coat from his Dad. Now, Dad's coat was nice-it was. I'll concede that. Sort of a fleece lined canvas army-inspired job. It was sharp. It wasn't the Warmest Coat Lands End Sells.


You can probably guess where this is going. He loved the coat his Dad gave him and refused to wear The Warmest Coat Lands End Sells. The hell? This was distressing to me. I need to know that my kids are warm. It is a deep-seated need. And this fashion over function bull, I'm just not buying it.

The coat sat around through a snow storm or two and I hoped that freezing temps would drive him to wear it. Well, that and repeatedly being sent out to shovel the driveway. But that did not happen.

It was time to return the coat.

First, just for kicks, I tried the coat on. And it fit. And it was the warmest. coat. ever.

I began to covet the coat. Like many Moms, I am loathe to spend lots of money on warm outerwear for myself. I admired the coat from afar, but still fully intended to return it. The coat and I exchanged meaningful glances over the next few days, but nothing happened.

Enter R. A couple days a week, R takes the public bus to her classes. To get there, she has to catch one bus from our neighborhood to downtown, where she waits outside for 20 minutes, and then catches another bus from there, back past our neighborhood, and to her school. The whole trip takes about an hour and half of that is spent outside. R is always cold. She complains non-stop about how cold she is. An idea began to take root. Maybe I couldn't keep TWLITB warm, but R clearly was in need of The Warmest Coat Lands End Sells.

She wouldn't wear it either.

That's when I said to myself, "Screw you ungrateful ingrates, I'm wearing the warm coat. That's right. I'm keeping it, I'm wearing it, and I'm going to be warm. I'm in love with this coat.  I want to marry this coat and have warm coat babies.".

I enjoyed a few super cozy days with my new coat. We were inseparable. In an email exchange with GG, during which I expressed my dismay that my children would rather freeze than wear the Warm Coat, and my delight in my new smoking hot relationship with the Warm Coat, GG suggested a song & dance routine I could use to taunt my children the next time they complained about winter and all its frosty coldness.

Sing it with me: (to the tune of Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me)

Dontcha wish your body was warm like me?
Dontcha? Dontcha?
Dontcha wish you had a nice coat like me?
Dontcha? Dontcha?

Can't you just picture the video?

So anyway, along about 10 pm a couple of nights later, I went to pick R up from her evening class. I was wearing my new coat. She climbed into the car and said, "Brrr. I'm freezing. I should have worn the coat. You were right."

Wait. Could you repeat that? I was right?

Cue the music.

Oh yes, I did. Right then and there, in my new coat, I did my best Beyonce' imitation. It was hot. And not just because of the coat.

Fast forward a week. Suddenly, whenever I go to the closet to grab MY Warm Coat, it is not there. We seem to have a loosely formed Society of the Warm Coat situation going on. I did not authorize this community of sharingness! I oppose this regime.  However, like Mubarek, I've been outnumbered. The Youth have revolted.

R decided that being warm trumps looking hot. Her interest in the coat caused TWLITB to see the Warm Coat in a new light. A cooler light. "Wait", I imagine TWLITB thinking, "maybe an expedition-style, fur lined hood IS cool...maybe it is just as cool as the Russian-style fur hat I ordered over the internet and spent all my Christmas money on and lost within two weeks." "Maybe", thinks TWLITB, "I'd like to wear that Warm Coat".

And just like that, I'm sharing my warm coat with my fickle children. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Other than cold.

Chicken out (in the cold)

this photo has nothing to do with my post.  It came up when I googled "Society of the Shared Coat" and I thought it was funny.  

27 comments:

  1. I share my warm coat with no one. Ever. Or my long underwear. Or peanut butter cups. I don't play well with others.

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  2. omg. this post was so hilarious, I think I woke up my family laughing.

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  3. Still singing and dancing! As always, Chicken leads the way in all that is right. Those darn kids better remember this!

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  4. I weep for Chicken. Another family torn assunder by fashion. Why oh why? Well, come to think of it, I have put my foot down about all the shoes in the house (unintentional pun, sorry). I mean, I've bought 1 pair the past 3 years and you don't see me whining about 'oh wah wah my feet are growing'... sorry, what were we talking about?

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  5. I'm with you on the impossibility of spending for myself. The girl has a WARMER COAT LANDS END sells [no fur hood, though], which she will not wear because her cute plaid wool coat is so much cooler. And no hat, of course.

    If I could fit into that coat, I would wear it every day and make her walk to and from the bus. You may need to start sleeping in the coat to keep it for yourself. Good luck.

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  6. You have no-one to blame but yourself. You broke the first rule of coat-ness. Thou shall not demonstrate to thy children how warm and toasty a coat is. Plus you seemed to be enjoying it- that was all the reason they needed to steal it.

    I want video of your alternative Beyonce song - wearing the coat please.

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  7. Went through a similar situation with my kids a few years ago. We solved it by moving 1000 miles south. Problem solved.

    CB

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  8. Oh, chicken. What can one say? You're a giver.
    Rock on, Expedition Beyonce!
    GG

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  9. i can't believe the warmest coat lands end sells is such a slore.

    happy valentines day, chicken! ♥

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  10. Oh Elly. That is so not true. But I will keep my hands off your peanut butter cups.

    @Dazee-if you wake them up you are gonna have to make pancakes. Sssshh

    @BB always singing and dancing. Enthusiastically if not well.

    @ziggy-I know. TWLITB is always going on about his pants not fitting. whine whine. Please.

    @suniverse-that is an excellent idea. I may start sleeping in that coat. I may pretend I'm a cowboy out on the range. That would be fun. But I'm gonna need a cowboy hat.

    @CB-hahaha. Wish I could try that. I don't wear the warm coat because I like being covered in a mountain of fleece and non-rip nylon.

    @GG You know it. And you give all the good ideas.

    @PP. Believe it. That coat will go home at night with anyone.

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  11. Chicken, you are one funny broad. And I was singing that song along with you, I was. Catchy. My motto is warmth trumps all, ALL I tell you! And a Mubarak reference? Fabulous.

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  12. Hi Chalupa-how are things? Warmth does trump all. Now. I remember the days when I rolled a little differently. But don't tell my kids that.

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  13. So I wonder if I take my kids' homework and start doing it, they will react the same way your kids did with the coat, and want it back?...think it's worth a try?

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  14. Sandra-let me know how that works out for you:-)

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  15. Oh, you are such a funny mama.

    I love having my kids laugh at what I do to.

    And now, they will, b/c I will be rocking the warm coat..

    "don'tcha? don'tcha??"

    ALWAYS good to see you, funny lady.

    The world needs more funny mamas like you.

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  16. I love warm, I love hand me downs.. so. I'm just saying.. someday maybe.. you would .. you know.. I'm just saying..

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  17. Hi Empress: If you wanted to, say, film your version of rocking the warm coat, I'm willing to sing along:-) Thanks.

    Queen: Are you asking to borrow my warm coat? I think there might be a slot open next Friday between 4pm and 6pm. Let me know. Otherwise, I'll need to put you on the waiting list.

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  18. @ CC-Absolutely. In my house, that happened and involved a brown, canvas with leather collared jacket. Love your point of view and humor.

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  19. Great point of view...liking this blog!

    Lisa

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  20. Oh man. This is my life. My kids take ever-a-thing I own, especially the coats. And when I ask them why, they say, "Because it's sooo warmmm and it smells like you." And when they use that last line, I'm just a sucker and so I go around freezing while they are as warm as toast in MY things.

    Glad you're back Chicken. Your brilliance is missed when you're away from us.

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  21. They'll only appreciate it if you take it away from them.

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  22. Did you change your site design? It looks all spiffy and stuff... I go away for a few months and everything changes. sigh. except you, you haven't changed a bit. thank goodness.

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  23. *laughs* I love it! It's a homey thing, unexpected sharings.

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  24. You're a Princess. come check it out!

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  25. Try writing Mom on the inside. Then I bet they'd leave it all to you and watch in jealous eyes as you got to wear it.
    mwhahahahaha

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  26. I LOVED this post. I too fell in love with the LE coat that I got. Fortunately I have no daughters... so I don't have to share.

    p.s. It's bad form isn't it to come to your house and brag? But I just want to say this: at the end of the day, you DID make them see things YOUR way. That's... WINNING!

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  27. haha. AA. I just got the WiNNING reference. Even though I've been tweeting about it for a week. Duh. Not Winning.

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