Friday, June 17, 2011

Chicken Reveals the Secret Language of Families. For the Second Time. Because Almost None of You Read It The First Time Even Though It Was Really Funny. Right?

Hello, World:

You know the commercial about college scholarships? The one where the guy is sitting on the couch watching a commercial about how all parents think their kid is going to get a 4 year scholarship, and the guy looks over at his own kid who is, at that moment, twirling around in his striped footy pajamas with a box on his head? I'm pretty sure I saw that commercial too many times when I was pregnant and that I laughed just a little too hard. That's all I'm going to say.

In many families, maybe yours, there's a secret language-a code. For your entertainment, or maybe for mine, I've translated a few of the phrases most often repeated in our house.

MAX AND RUBY IS ON, MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!!!!

Translation: Everyone in the house is about to be treated to 20 minutes of relative quiet and a marked decrease in head butting incidences.

LETS GO SEE IF MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!

Translation: I'm overwhelmed, my ears are ringing due to your incessant chatter, and I need a break or a drink, preferably both.


I'VE GOT BOOGY NOSE!

Translation: A little help here?


MOM, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

Translation: I need money and/or a ride somewhere. (Never ever does it mean, "what do you think of this outfit", or "do you like my boyfriend?" It does, however, elicit the Pavlovian response of rolling eyes and clenching stomach muscles)

OH, I MEANT TO DO THOSE BEFORE YOU GOT HOME.

Translation: Yes, I did notice the full sink of dishes and the cluttered sideboard and I had no intention of touching them but saying that I did makes me and hopefully you, but primarily me, feel better.

IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT IT.

Translation: It's not ok you lazy sod! What am I, your fecking maid?


HAVE YOU SEEN MY _________ (fill in the blank)

Translation: Could you stop what you are doing and go find my __________


I GOT A CALL FROM YOUR SCHOOL TODAY.

Translation: You are in soooo much trouble you don't even know.


LET'S FIND YOU A PROJECT!!

Translation: I need to detach you from my leg immediately before I go insane.


I TOLD YOU THAT (followed by long detailed story that ends in "remember?").

Translation: I forgot to tell you but I'm pretty sure I can convince you I didn't.


So the next time you stop by the house for a glass of wine, a bowl of chips, and some sparkling conversation, and someone yells from the other room, "I've got boogy nose" in a deep bass voice, you'll know there are no real boogers involved, just someone needing a little help. And since this phrase is interchangeable with the phrase, "Have you seen my _________", I will respond with "Where do you remember seeing it last?", which translates to "I just sat my butt down in this chair with a big ole glass of wine and I'm not getting up for love or money to look for your _________".


Even though I know exactly where _____________ is.


This is just one of the many small ways I am evil. mwwwwahhh hahahaha. But that is another whole post.

Chicken out

17 comments:

  1. Yes...we have a secret language going on here at Maison Pyjamas too. "I've got Boogies " frequently makes an appearance here at the moment which means "Bella , if you dont get me a tissue immediately Im going to put my snot on the lounge/dog/ carpet/you" .

    When I say "I need a drink" that really means "just hand me the bottle - a glass is not going to do it for me" .

    I think I must have missed this post the first time around because I thought it was hilarious and Im sure I would have commented if I'd seen it.

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  2. Chicken! I have missed you, my friend.

    In my house, the one that is most likely to make me smother my husband in his sleep, is the "Have you seen my _______? I left it right here. Someone moved it on me."

    No they didn't. You just can't remember where you left anything and I have enabled you for over 20 years and now, the party IS OVER.

    Okay, I feel better now.

    My kids do tend to tell me things, but they choose to tell me when I'm asleep in my bed. I wake up with drool flowing out of the side of my mouth to them, saying, "So that wraps it up. Don't forget to sign it/pick me up/come to the meeting. Ok?"

    The best part of our family's language is when I yell, "I'M DONE!" Everyone in my family knows that means Mama has been pushed to the brink and everyone better straighten up immediately. I don't know if it's in my delivery or my wild eyes or just those magical two words, but even the dogs start behaving then.

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  3. "Project" is a dirty word in our house. ^_^

    And I always want to slap Ruby. Seriously I do. But not as much as I want to slap Caillou.

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  4. Oh, you are so right.

    "What's for dinner" is code for "feed us now or we're tearing the potato chip bag apart like starving hyenas."


    CUte post.SO cute.

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  5. in my house i'm the one who always needed a project. otherwise, boredom! franzia could only carry me so long. and if mama aint happy, nobody happy.

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  6. Our secret language involves a few more expletives and our beverages usually come out of boxes, but deep down I'm pretty sure our family speaks chicken too.

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  7. Ok,all, I feel much better knowing about all of your secret languages. And Poppy. What ever gave you the idea that our beverages don't come out of boxes? Franzia. Hello?

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  8. This IS funny and I'm sorry I missed it the first time.

    I use "It's okay, I got it" a lot. And my husband never has any idea what I'm really trying to say.

    In fact, I'm beginning to believe I'm the only one in my family speaking this language.

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  9. There is absolutely nothing evil about it...its the necessity to survivial! THEIR survivial :o)

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  10. Good point, Daffy. I'm saving humanity here. Thanks. You are a smart duck.

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  11. Flying Chalupa-yeah, I might be the only one speaking my family's language, too. Except for the boogey nose thing. Everyone pretty much has that down.

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  12. Good post, Chicken.

    CB

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  13. It's all about Phineus and Ferb at our place, but the translation is the same. Funny stuff and I am now following.

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  14. Cheeseboy-the pressure is on! I need to write another post and soon. Thanks for the follow:-)

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  15. First of all, thanks for stopping by my place- I'm so glad that I have a new blog to follow!

    I love family language. I just think it's so incredible how we invent things to keep us from going insane. And even though I don't have kids, yes, I am a fecking maid. And a valet, too!

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  16. Funny! I just say "never mind"...that way, I don't end up in prison. That is not too original, but it works for me and the guy I always say that too.

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