Friday, August 16, 2013

Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch the Sequel

Hi World,

It's me, Chicken, humble advocate of the fashion perplexed.

Fall Fashion Trends keeping you awake at night?  Me neither!  But tough because I've researched it anyway and I'm sharing it here. This is my sharing time.  And 3....2....1....we're on..

Friends, if there's one buzz word in fashion circles this year, it's "Style".  These aren't your Grandma's clothes.  Actually, they might be, but more on that later.

Let me be clear. The days of "planning an  outfit" are gone forever.  We will now and from this day forward, "Style" ourselves.  Bring out your inner Rachel Zoe, and if you don't have an inner Rachel Zoe, at least try to suppress your inner whoever it is that allowed you to wear those baggy sweatpants and that cat meme t-shirt.  You know who you are.  

In materials, this fall, there's a rustic but luxurious vibe in the air.  Think suede in jewel tones and soft, supple leather in surprising shapes.  Watch for fabrics with texture.  Still confused?  Here's a tip to carry you through the fall season looking like a Tim Gunn protege: If it looks like something your grandma knitted, crocheted,  or quilted, with materials purchased from the bargain bin, buy it at once and style it with a hat. If she might have used it to upholster something,  even better.  If it's ombre, Girl, you win!  

For those of us who fear that the ombre couch lace doily look might be too youthful, there's still hope.  Menswear is huge  for fall, so find yourself some suede oxfords, a vest, and a crisp white shirt and join the Katherine Hepburn movement. Don't forget florals, though.  They are still on trend for fall and you can wear them with your suede oxfords.  How economical is that?  You'll still want to invest in some booties to wear with your (wall paper inspired) flower dresses, however, because that fad just won't fade.  

Thinking about denim for fall? Capri length skinnies are super hot and quite becoming on 1% of the female population (and 3% of the male population).  Boyfriend jeans never go out of style but I must clarify here:  Do not actually take your boyfriend's jeans. Go to the store and buy them or you'll just look like a hot mess.  Which is also totally in right now.

Not sure what to wear with your denim?  How about more denim?  I thought you'd like that. It just really bloody confuses things, doesn't it?  Remember how eggs were good for you?  And then they weren't?  But then they were?  And then they weren't again?  Denim on Denim is  one of those trends that I'd like to punch in the face.  Because it's not like you can wear just any denim with your denim.  There's a complicated algorithm involved in this look that only people under twenty-six years of age, Vogue editors, and the idiot savants of fashion can pull off.  Us regular women don't stand a chance of nailing this look. Embrace this trend at your own risk, Girlies, and if you end up a centerfold on The People  of Walmart, don't come crying to me.  

To re-cap today's lesson, this fall remember to channel your inner stylist.  Ask yourself, "What would  Rachel do?" If Rachel replies that she would dress you in a long voluminous dress or like Skylar, yell "Hell No" and run to the light.  Skinny jeans are in.  Will they ever go away? Please, God, make them go away.  If you are among the 99% of the female population for whom skinny jeans are not a good look, may I suggest a cute denim skirt or menswear trousers?  You have Chicken's permission to just skip jeans this fall. Moving on, feminine laces, florals, quilting, and knit fabrics borrowed from "That 70's Show" are super hot for fall, and yet it's all about menswear, too.  If you must experiment with the ombre blanket knit potholder look, we suggest you also treat yourself to a classic Burberry trench.  And finally, in case I wasn't clear, stay away from Denim on Denim.  Pretend it's M.C. Hammer and don't touch it.  

Just because Rachel and Skylar can pull it off doesn't mean we can

Tune  in next Friday when we'll be discussing bags.  And  I don't mean the ones under our eyes.

Chicken out

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