Friday, October 4, 2013

Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch: What My Accessories Say About Me

As I walked past my bedroom, I heard  voices.  I stepped into the room and found it empty, yet the voices persisted. They seemed to be coming from  the closet.

It was just my accessories; talking about me again.

Snakeskin  belt:  Oy, I feel like a bungee cord must feel at the end of a hard day.  If that woman keeps inhaling cookies,  I swear I'm just going to come flying apart one of these days. Guess what she had for lunch today?

Scarf, Summer bag, Baseball hat:  What?

Snakeskin belt:  Chipotle.  The bitch had Chipotle, and not even the burrito bowl, no.  She had the whole burrito with the carnitas, the cheese, sour cream...everything.  And she didn't hold back on the guacamole and chips,  either!

Scarf:  (laughs) Yeah,  she claims guacamole is a "health" food.  I heard her tell someone that. I wanted to scream,  "Avocados, Moron! Avocados are a health food. A cup of guacamole  stuffed into your face on fried tortilla chips, not so much!."

Baseball hat:  (snickers) What, no beer?  Was she sick?

Snakeskin belt:  She was working. I was spared the beer.

Baseball hat:  Aw, man, you're lucky.  Last time she wore me there was a lot of beer, and by a lot, I mean a bloody ocean of beer.  She left me hanging on the stall door hook in the restroom at Chili's.  Ewww.  I need a shower just thinking about it.  Then, when she finally comes back again, she sees me hanging there, and says, "Oh!  There you are."  Like I grew legs and walked off.

Necklace: (chiming in from the jewelry box)  So what did she have for dessert?

Snakeskin belt: What do you think?

Necklace:  Dairy Queen?  Peanut Buster Parfait?

Snakeskin belt: You got it, 'cause what's a little sugar rush when you've already consumed 5,000 carbohydrates anyway, am I right?

Scarf:  And plus, peanuts are GOOD for you, bwah ha ha ha...

Necklace:  Did she dribble it down the front of her shirt?

Snakeskin belt:  Of course!  Why should today be different from any other day?

Baseball hat:  (laughing) Were any of you guys there that time she went to Fenway?  Oh. My. God.  It was epic.  All her favorite things-hot dogs, peanuts, beer, fries and testosterone.  And still, it might have been okay, if it hadn't been for that fly ball.

Summer purse:  Oh my God,  I remember that!  She looks up, see's the ball coming right at her, stands up to catch it, gets a little dizzy, trips over me.....

Summer purse and Baseball hat:  (in unison) AND FALLS INTO THE NEXT ROW!  BEER EVERYWHERE!

(Insert screaming laughter here)

Scarf: Classic Chicken!  What a klutz.

I yanked open the door and glared into the darkness.

Complete silence.

They don't fool me.

Chicken out

Accessories for sale.  Dirt Cheap.  


  1. Ha ha ha!!!! I have 2 belts. Also 2 scarves I love but never wear. I am so lame. I need a fashion consultant!

  2. Love it. I can't even imagine what mine would be talking about.

    1. Oh Jerimi, you do not want to know, trust me. It is almost never good.

  3. Oh, this is good. I knew my wardrobe mocks me, too, but I think the voices are getting louder...

  4. Your accessories are a riot. Or is it that you provide them with hilarious material. I think my accessories are boring...yah, I am pretty sure they are no fun at all.

    1. Hi Cheryl-thank you. They think they are hilarious. They are nothing without me, however:-)

  5. I gotta shop where you shop. My clothes are so boring.

  6. My accessories are pretty well-behaved. Either that or they died of boredom a few years ago from never being taken out. Either way, it's nice and tranquil in my closet.

    Except for the snide comments from the half deflated exercise ball. You should hear the things it says!!

  7. Jenny_o, Exercise equipment is mean mean mean! That's why I don't have any. My self-esteem can't take it. Maybe your accessories could start an accessory etiquette school and I could send my accessories? What do you say?

    1. Seriously, I think my accessories are dead in there; if not from boredom then from suffocation. There is no room in the inn. Note to self - time to clean out the closet. I'll let you know when school starts :)

  8. Excellent post. I have passed the age of fashion into geezerhood. I just whistle and my clothes crawl out and climb me on their own.

  9. And that is an excellent comment for this season:-) Zombie clothes.


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