Friday, December 20, 2013

The Six Stages of Cable/Internet Service Disruption Adjustment

Warning:  This post is for mature audiences only.  And when I say mature, I do not necessarily mean mature in age. I mean mature.  As in the opposite of, "You are SO immature".  If no one has said this to you in the past five years, then you are probably mature enough to read this post without experiencing nightmares.

Otherwise.  Hmmm.  Hey you!  Hey!!  Have you heard that "Anchorman II" is out this weekend?  Okay, yeah, see ya later!

OMG lol.

Anyway, sometimes, maybe this has happened to you, your cable and internet service disappears for NO GOOD REASON.  I know. It's scary, right?  Imagine it happening for multiple days.

This is the tale I lived to tell.  Proceed at your own mental health risk.

The first stage is Denial/Delusion

1. Denial/Delusion:
    a.) The 7-year-old says:  "Mommy!  Haunted Hathaways is new tonight.  Fix it!  Fix it, Mommy.            fixxxxxitttttttt (insert high pitched squeal here.  Imagine crystal shattering).
    b.)  The 18-year-old says:  No way.  This cannot be happening to me.  Mom.  What's happening to me?  Mommy?
    c.)  CC:  I'm sure it's nothing boys.  I'll just reboot!! (this is the Delusion portion of our evening).

2. Anger:
    a.)  7YO:  Mommy. Spongebob.  Now.  I'm going to scream again.  (crystal shatters.  You know the drill)
    b.)  18YO:  MOM!  Just stop!  You can't fix it.  Call TECH SUPPORT!!!! OMG Why is this happening TO ME????
    c.)  Why isn't the reboot working???? X%^&*$##

3.  Bargaining:
     a.)  7 YO:   Mommy, pleeeeaasssse get Spongebob on. I'll sleep in my own bed and never say Poop again.
     b.) 18 YO:  Mom, don't cry. I'll call tech support and you can have some wine, ok?
     c.)  CC:  Please, God/Santa/Tech Support Guy, please, just fix it or deliver me to Heaven, ok?

4.  Fear:
     a.) 7 YO:  Mommy.  I'm scared.  You look scary.  Daddy?
     b.) 18 YO:  I'll never be a Professional Gamer Olympian now.
     c.)  CC:  All my blog followers will unfollow me.  All my carefully cultivated internet friends will unfriend me.

5.)  Sadness:
      a.)  7 YO: Mommy?  Is Spongebob dead?  I miss TV Mommy.
      b.)  18 YO:  My life is over.
      c.)  CC:  Internet, oh why hast thou forsaken me? Et tu Bravo?

6.)  Acceptance:
      a.) 7 YO:  Mommy, want to hear me sing Rudolph again?
      b.) 18 YO:  Hey, how about we rent some movies?
      c.)  CC:  Ok. Let's go to RedBox. Everyone in the car.  Everyone sing.........

 Bonus stage:  Nonacceptance:  NO!  NO, I do not accept this!  I cannot accept this!  Verizon.  Get someone out here now.  I WILL SWITCH TO COX. I WILL.  I'M DIALING.......

One voice is conspicuously absent here, have you noticed?  Yes, this person's response to the entire service interruption debacle was "Oh well.  It's not the end of the world."

Oh really, Person Hiding in His Office while your wife tries to keep two increasingly hostile  internet/television deprived boys entertained?  Person who is possibly, quite probably, a sociopath and is definitely acting a little morally superior right now but who has not had to miss a single important sporting event?  As of yet? Oh yes, BigB, Sunday is coming...

Chicken out

PS  I tried to find an image that might adequately portray my frustration with Verizon Tech Support, but I couldn't find one.  So then I decided to find a funny meme about IT, and couldn't find one.  Then I thought, hey, I'll find something cute, turn this frown upside down, and I couldn't find anything cute.  Then I realized it's me.  So I'm posting this instead. This is for you, BigB.




Tim Hawkins: Things You Don't Say To Your Wife


19 comments:

  1. you didn't shoot anyone. Mission accomplished.

    ALOHA to YOU
    from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    =^..^= <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cloudia-well..there is that:-) I'm kind of a hero when you look at from the right angle.

      Delete
  2. Sadly it is a horrible thing.
    Kids nowadays dont know how to have fun.
    When we were little we ran with sharp sticks, played with matches and played ball in the street.

    Who am I kidding?

    Along with the tow rope, jumper cables, tire patches, tools and air compressor in the trunk of the car in case of emergencies, I have a back up generator, Verizon hotspot, 350 movies on hard drive and a Roku in case of cable outage. Bring it on Time Warner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS, I obviously was under-equipped for this household emergency. I'll be stopping by radio shack to get prepared for the next time.

      Delete
  3. In the midst of such trials lie great blog fodder. :)

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    Replies
    1. AC-yes, you are right. The funniest part was the 45 minutes I spent online with the tech guy, who took me through a complicated series of tests, which I then relayed to my son via phone. Finally, the tech guy announces that we need a new battery in our cable box to fix our services, so I then spend a half hour locating one, pick up my seven year old from day care, rush to the Verizon store, stand in line, get up to the front, announce I need this special battery and the lady says...."why what's wrong?". I say, thinking to myself, isn't it obvious I have a dead battery, "I have no internet or cable and the IT guy told me I need a new battery to fix it", and she says, wait for it......."But the battery has nothing to do with your internet or cable. The battery just gives you back up phone service if your electricity goes out." So then we had to wait another day to get a service technician out to the house.

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  4. Oh yes I DID notice the lack of adult male in this horrifying and homicide-inducing situation. I hope he has apologized, or will be apologizing, or at least notices he's getting the silent treatment.

    Seriously, I know so little about how this machine works that I do actually fret about how it will get fixed if it breaks, now that our home-grown IT guru has moved out. I guess he's only a forty-minute drive away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The silent treatment is lost on him, Jenny. He considers it a gift. My home grown IT guru lives in the next town over but now that she's a Mom herself, she has less sympathy for my tech issues. She actually told me it was more important to breast feed her baby then come fix my internet. Can you believe that? After 24 hours of labor, that's the thanks I get:-)

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  5. As you are already aware of my tendencies to be conflicted...this may not come as a shock to you, that part of me was LAUGHING from your very hysterical post but the other part is ready to burn a huge cardboard Verizon sign in my front yard in solidarity to you having no TV or Internet.

    I think I did several posts last year about my battles with my Internet, TV, hard line phones all going down FIVE times because the idiot dog that belongs to the neighbors behind me keeps digging up the cable and chewing through it. At one point I had to wait FOUR days for new cable to be run.

    I am totally ready to go to war against any company that doesn't respond in a URGENT fashion when both Internet and Cable are down.

    That video is a riot..so true..so true

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl, thank you for the solidarity. You are a good blog compatriot. Is that a word? It is. I just looked it up. Anyway, yes I love that video. I keep listening just because I like the song.

      Delete
  6. I can deal with no cable, but no internet?! That's just not gonna work for me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi SCPC. Thank you for visiting. I like your super cute pet blog also.

      Delete
  7. "Et tu, Bravo?"

    Bahahahahaaha.

    I'd have been taking the kids to a coffee shop to hang out, for, um, 7 hours. Nothing like a good Internet poaching.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for catching that, Jocelyn. I was delighted with it myself:-) Unless the coffee shop has a trampoline, there was no way I was getting away with that. Should have left them home with BigB and gone by myself, though. That would have accomplished a couple of things:-)

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  8. Although we don't have cable in our area. I must admit to a dependency upon internet. I don't like to but do. You handled the crisis very well.

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  9. Geo, I could throw the tv out the window and adjust pretty quickly but I love my internet. I'm at a loss just knowing it's not available if I need it. Luckily, I had my phone. It saved me.

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  10. Hey.. I can relate. We lost both (satellite) connections for a few days here, too. Very funny account of it.. and I just loved "Et tu Bravo." Clever you.

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  11. Oh gosh, we have not had any problems like that here in awhile. If we did, add the cry for Disney Channel and you would have our crew pegged.

    Funny stuff. Congrats on your Post of the Week.

    ReplyDelete

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