OH! Well! Look who finally showed up. If it isn't the World.
Do you know what time it is?
Where the hell have you been??
I spent hours. HOURS, do you hear me? I spent HOURS planning a beautiful post; HOURS shopping for just the right ingredients-the perfect analogy, the wryest wit, sarcasm with just the right amount of bite; HOURS constructing and layering each of those ingredients into a delicious reading experience just for you and what do you do? NOTHING, that's what. You didn't respond to my Tweet, you didn't click on my link, you didn't even check in just to see how I was doing on Valentine's Day.
And now my beautiful Post is RUINED. It's deflated and soggy. YES IT IS!!!
Don't even try to make me feel better. I'm too upset.
(Chicken reaches for her coat, flips her scarf dramatically around her neck
and heads for the door).
If you NEED me Loyal Readers, which I'm sure you WON'T, I'll be over at Alanis' house drinking Chardonnay. SHE really gets me. You coming with me Pearl Annabelle Lafleur?
Pearl just said "Damn Straight I am, Chicken, lemme grab my coat." Now that's Loyalty.
Smell you later world.
(off stage sound of door slamming. Dramatically.)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Uncensored Chicken Surprise, For Loyal Readers Only
Hey World:
I've been engaged in a very worthy cause today. I've been thinking about you Loyal Readers and how you are here week after week reading my posts and leaving nice comments for me which are totally like little gifts to me, you have no idea.
If I'm feeling needy and ask the little guy what he thinks of my blog, his most likely response is "chocolatehead-poopy-starfish-chocolateraisins-mommyhead-let's watch Max and Ruby!" Anyone else in my family is likely to respond, "What Blog?", which is probably just as well.
Anyway, your funny side-notes and compliments make my day, which is why I wanted to offer some small token of my esteem for y'all.
BULLETIN: uhh...okay...looks like one of the voices is all Southern tonight. Don't panic. As I've mentioned, the voices are harmless. Let's call her Pearl, ok? Pearl Annabelle Lafleur. She's from Mississippi. Word on the street is that there's some pirate Cajun blood raging through her veins that tends to show itself at the most inopportune times, most recently during her nephew's ballet recital when someone NOT from the South, but possibly from the UK, called him a "right lit'le wanker", and Pearl Annabelle Lafleur...well I'll tell you about it later.
Where was I?
...Loyal Readers, right, now I remember.
Back to you. I do want to stress here that this post is ONLY for Loyal Readers, so if you just tuned in, drawn by the title and the exclusivity intimated therein, I have to say that A.) I should have thought of that a long time ago, and B.) this post is not for you.
Okay, if you are going to whine about it, or sue me, here's your loophole you Right Wanker. Go to any of my other posts, read, and leave a comment-a nice comment, mind you, and then come back, and we will let you join the troops of Loyal Readers. But don't even try to read this post without establishing your membership because The Chicken knows people who know where you live. And so does Pearl.
Big Breath. And exhale. Okay. Finally. After your many weeks of faithful reading, Loyal Readers, and in celebration of Valentine's Day, which I have softened up to now that I know about Valentinus the Martyred Priest, I wanted to offer up a small gift. The gift of laughter. And I have spent the day searching for other blogs that I know you will also love. I encourage you to link to them, read them, laugh out loud, maybe snort your tea or your vodka as the case may be, and then to come RIGHT BACK HERE. Okay? Deal? Good.
First off, I will start with my old favorites.
www.missdoxie.com is a blog about a lawyer in Atlanta with a passion for daschunds. She is hilarious and truly adorable, but she has sort of disappeared lately and I miss her a lot. But read her old stuff. "Fuck the Opera" is a particular favorite of mine
www.mytinykingdom.libsyn.com the blog of a mother of four boys and my first introduction to blogs
Next are recent favorites: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com
And www.barefootfoodie.com
And http://beccago.blogspot.com/
Here is one that I just found today and have spent a large part of the day reading. She's been around for a long, long time. I had fun going back through her archives
www.dooce.com
I saved my favorite for last. She is a born storyteller, but what kept me on her site were all the extras; the pictures, the videos, and the promise of access to a secret page if I could find the special link hidden in her blog. And I did. And it was so cool.
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
You have to understand, she is quite a bit younger than most of us but she's a bright penny, this Chick, and she has captured my heart. What Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and I like to do is get all liquored up, go on her blog, and live vicariously through her. Then we strap ourselves into the truck, go down to the Twist n' Shout, and line dance but not in a very straight line and with a lot of added extra steps, which may or may not sometimes result in an accidental elbow to the abdominal area of the Cougar in the tight jeans and Cowgirl hat who had the foresight to take dance lessons and may or may not have been rolling her eyes at us, but is definitely trying to steal all the cute Cowboys which is totally NOT acceptable to Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and me.
I have to go to bed now. Bed is calling. I hope you enjoy the blogs-please let me know.
Pearl says all y'all should come on back next Saturday when she's hosting a crawfish boil, and her weird cousin Claire Marie LaFleur will be there telling fortunes. There'll be fiddlin'.
You take care,now,y'hear?
Chicken
I've been engaged in a very worthy cause today. I've been thinking about you Loyal Readers and how you are here week after week reading my posts and leaving nice comments for me which are totally like little gifts to me, you have no idea.
If I'm feeling needy and ask the little guy what he thinks of my blog, his most likely response is "chocolatehead-poopy-starfish-chocolateraisins-mommyhead-let's watch Max and Ruby!" Anyone else in my family is likely to respond, "What Blog?", which is probably just as well.
Anyway, your funny side-notes and compliments make my day, which is why I wanted to offer some small token of my esteem for y'all.
BULLETIN: uhh...okay...looks like one of the voices is all Southern tonight. Don't panic. As I've mentioned, the voices are harmless. Let's call her Pearl, ok? Pearl Annabelle Lafleur. She's from Mississippi. Word on the street is that there's some pirate Cajun blood raging through her veins that tends to show itself at the most inopportune times, most recently during her nephew's ballet recital when someone NOT from the South, but possibly from the UK, called him a "right lit'le wanker", and Pearl Annabelle Lafleur...well I'll tell you about it later.
Where was I?
...Loyal Readers, right, now I remember.
Back to you. I do want to stress here that this post is ONLY for Loyal Readers, so if you just tuned in, drawn by the title and the exclusivity intimated therein, I have to say that A.) I should have thought of that a long time ago, and B.) this post is not for you.
Okay, if you are going to whine about it, or sue me, here's your loophole you Right Wanker. Go to any of my other posts, read, and leave a comment-a nice comment, mind you, and then come back, and we will let you join the troops of Loyal Readers. But don't even try to read this post without establishing your membership because The Chicken knows people who know where you live. And so does Pearl.
Big Breath. And exhale. Okay. Finally. After your many weeks of faithful reading, Loyal Readers, and in celebration of Valentine's Day, which I have softened up to now that I know about Valentinus the Martyred Priest, I wanted to offer up a small gift. The gift of laughter. And I have spent the day searching for other blogs that I know you will also love. I encourage you to link to them, read them, laugh out loud, maybe snort your tea or your vodka as the case may be, and then to come RIGHT BACK HERE. Okay? Deal? Good.
First off, I will start with my old favorites.
www.missdoxie.com is a blog about a lawyer in Atlanta with a passion for daschunds. She is hilarious and truly adorable, but she has sort of disappeared lately and I miss her a lot. But read her old stuff. "Fuck the Opera" is a particular favorite of mine
www.mytinykingdom.libsyn.com the blog of a mother of four boys and my first introduction to blogs
Next are recent favorites: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com
And www.barefootfoodie.com
And http://beccago.blogspot.com/
Here is one that I just found today and have spent a large part of the day reading. She's been around for a long, long time. I had fun going back through her archives
www.dooce.com
I saved my favorite for last. She is a born storyteller, but what kept me on her site were all the extras; the pictures, the videos, and the promise of access to a secret page if I could find the special link hidden in her blog. And I did. And it was so cool.
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
You have to understand, she is quite a bit younger than most of us but she's a bright penny, this Chick, and she has captured my heart. What Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and I like to do is get all liquored up, go on her blog, and live vicariously through her. Then we strap ourselves into the truck, go down to the Twist n' Shout, and line dance but not in a very straight line and with a lot of added extra steps, which may or may not sometimes result in an accidental elbow to the abdominal area of the Cougar in the tight jeans and Cowgirl hat who had the foresight to take dance lessons and may or may not have been rolling her eyes at us, but is definitely trying to steal all the cute Cowboys which is totally NOT acceptable to Pearl Annabelle Lafleur and me.
I have to go to bed now. Bed is calling. I hope you enjoy the blogs-please let me know.
Pearl says all y'all should come on back next Saturday when she's hosting a crawfish boil, and her weird cousin Claire Marie LaFleur will be there telling fortunes. There'll be fiddlin'.
You take care,now,y'hear?
Chicken
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Child's Play
Good morning, World:
You know the commercial about college scholarships? The one where the guy is sitting on the couch watching a commercial about how all parents think their kid is going to get a 4 year scholarship, and the guy looks over at his own kid who is, at that moment, twirling around in his striped footy pajamas with a box on his head? I'm pretty sure I saw that commercial too many times when I was pregnant and that I laughed just a little too hard. That's all I'm going to say.
In many families, maybe yours, there's a secret language-a code. For your entertainment, or maybe for mine, I've translated a few of the phrases most often repeated in our house.
MAX AND RUBY IS ON, MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!!!!
Translation: Everyone in the house is about to be treated to 20 minutes of relative quiet and a marked decrease in head butting incidences.
LETS GO SEE IF MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!
Translation: I'm overwhelmed, my ears are ringing due to your incessant chatter, and I need a break or a drink, preferably both.
I'VE GOT BOOGY NOSE!
Translation: A little help here?
MOM, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
Translation: I need money and/or a ride somewhere. (Never ever does it mean, "what do you think of this outfit", or "do you like my boyfriend?" It does, however, elicit the Pavlovian response of rolling eyes and clenching stomach muscles)
OH, I MEANT TO DO THOSE BEFORE YOU GOT HOME.
Translation: Yes, I did notice the full sink of dishes and the cluttered sideboard and I had no intention of touching them but saying that I did makes me and hopefully you, but primarily me, feel better.
IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT IT.
Translation: It's not ok you lazy sod! What am I, your fecking maid?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY _________ (fill in the blank)
Translation: Could you stop what you are doing and go find my __________
I GOT A CALL FROM YOUR SCHOOL TODAY.
Translation: You are in soooo much trouble you don't even know.
LET'S FIND YOU A PROJECT!!
Translation: I need to detach you from my leg immediately before I go insane.
I TOLD YOU THAT (followed by long detailed story that ends in "remember?").
Translation: I forgot to tell you but I'm pretty sure I can convince you I didn't.
So the next time you stop by the house for a glass of wine, a bowl of chips, and some sparkling conversation, and someone yells from the other room, "I've got boogy nose" in a deep bass voice, you'll know there are no real boogers involved, just someone needing a little help. And since this phrase is interchangeable with the phrase, "Have you seen my _________", I will respond with "Where do you remember seeing it last?", which translates to "I just sat my butt down in this chair with a big ole glass of wine and I'm not getting up for love or money to look for your _________".
Even though I know exactly where _____________ is.
This is just one of the many small ways I am evil. mwwwwahhh hahahaha. But that is another whole post.
Take care,
Chicken
You know the commercial about college scholarships? The one where the guy is sitting on the couch watching a commercial about how all parents think their kid is going to get a 4 year scholarship, and the guy looks over at his own kid who is, at that moment, twirling around in his striped footy pajamas with a box on his head? I'm pretty sure I saw that commercial too many times when I was pregnant and that I laughed just a little too hard. That's all I'm going to say.
In many families, maybe yours, there's a secret language-a code. For your entertainment, or maybe for mine, I've translated a few of the phrases most often repeated in our house.
MAX AND RUBY IS ON, MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!!!!
Translation: Everyone in the house is about to be treated to 20 minutes of relative quiet and a marked decrease in head butting incidences.
LETS GO SEE IF MAX AND RUBY IS ON!!!
Translation: I'm overwhelmed, my ears are ringing due to your incessant chatter, and I need a break or a drink, preferably both.
I'VE GOT BOOGY NOSE!
Translation: A little help here?
MOM, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
Translation: I need money and/or a ride somewhere. (Never ever does it mean, "what do you think of this outfit", or "do you like my boyfriend?" It does, however, elicit the Pavlovian response of rolling eyes and clenching stomach muscles)
OH, I MEANT TO DO THOSE BEFORE YOU GOT HOME.
Translation: Yes, I did notice the full sink of dishes and the cluttered sideboard and I had no intention of touching them but saying that I did makes me and hopefully you, but primarily me, feel better.
IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT IT.
Translation: It's not ok you lazy sod! What am I, your fecking maid?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY _________ (fill in the blank)
Translation: Could you stop what you are doing and go find my __________
I GOT A CALL FROM YOUR SCHOOL TODAY.
Translation: You are in soooo much trouble you don't even know.
LET'S FIND YOU A PROJECT!!
Translation: I need to detach you from my leg immediately before I go insane.
I TOLD YOU THAT (followed by long detailed story that ends in "remember?").
Translation: I forgot to tell you but I'm pretty sure I can convince you I didn't.
So the next time you stop by the house for a glass of wine, a bowl of chips, and some sparkling conversation, and someone yells from the other room, "I've got boogy nose" in a deep bass voice, you'll know there are no real boogers involved, just someone needing a little help. And since this phrase is interchangeable with the phrase, "Have you seen my _________", I will respond with "Where do you remember seeing it last?", which translates to "I just sat my butt down in this chair with a big ole glass of wine and I'm not getting up for love or money to look for your _________".
Even though I know exactly where _____________ is.
This is just one of the many small ways I am evil. mwwwwahhh hahahaha. But that is another whole post.
Take care,
Chicken
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