Wednesday, April 28, 2010

In Which Chicken Buys a Cell Phone and Finds Herself....

Good morning, World:

Last weekend I finally got around to buying a new cell phone to replace the blackberry my old employers had supplied.

Having experienced both the addiction and frustration of being accessible via email 24 hours a day, I knew I did NOT want a blackberry.  In fact, I've attended daily BAA (Blackberry Addicts Anonymous) meetings since my departure from the hotel.  A blackberry at 1 AM is not a toy but I tended to not recognize that after several glasses of wine. 

At BAA meetings, we start by saying things like, "Hello, my name is Chicken, and I have emailed inappropriately" or "Hello, my name is Chicken and I have only sent work-related emails for two weeks now" (light applause). 

I've heard so many Blackberry abuse horror stories that even the thought of holding one of those suckers in my hot little hands is making me a little queasy. 

So off I went to the T-Mobile store.  I found myself an adorable T-Mobile rep named Anibal (rhymes with cannibal) and the following conversation took place:

Anibal:  Welcome to T-mobile, what can I help you with today?

Chicken:  How do you pronounce your name?  Is it Mexican?  Good thing you don't live in Arizona, right?  Wow that's a cool name.  I'll bet people call you Anibal the Cannibal ALL the time, am I right?  Or animal......(Chicken stares off into space thinking of more ways a middle-school bully might make fun of the name Anibal).

Anibal:  Ma'am?

Chicken:  (Looks around in surprise) Oh...right.  Well Anibal, I need a new phone.  I want to add a line to the account I already have for my son.  I only use it for emergencies, though, so I only want a phone that can text or call, and it needs to be free and I want the cheapest plan you have.  In fact, I really only need a phone that I can receive calls on because I have no intention of ever picking up the phone and calling anybody.    Actually, I have no intention of answering anyone's calls either....so I guess I just need texting. 

Anibal:  (Truly perplexed and looking around for the cameras and Ashton Kutcher)...Ah, Ma'am, well, all of our phones can make and receive calls.  But you don't have to use those features.  Now, let's see, your best bet is to upgrade to the family plan and when we add in internet, insurance, tax.......that's going to come to ninety-eleven hundred dollars a month.  Not bad at all.  What do you think.

Chicken:  I'll tell you what Anibal.  That's a lot of money for features I don't even need.  Are you sure you don't have anything that just sends and receives text for....say.....five dollars a month?

Anibal:  (Poker face)  Ma'am, maybe what you need is a telegraph.  We don't sell those here.  Maybe Western Union?

Chicken:  (Stunned then delighted).  Anibal...you made a joke.  Good on you!  You're right, I AM being an asshole.  Okay, show me the phones that come for free with the plan.

Anibal:  Shows me two (fugly) phones. 

Chicken:  Okay, okay....these look like good phones.  But where is the keyboard?  I need a keyboard, Anibal....

Anibal:  Oh we have phones with keyboards, Chicken, but those are upgrades.  Here's a nice one that costs an additional $99 hundred, but just for today, there is a $98 hundred fifty rebate if you mail in the rebate form and receipt....

Chicken:  (thinking fast).  O.K. Anibal, I'll take it but you have to do the whole rebate thing for me right now because rebates involve mailing things, which I am averse to....

Anibal:  (mentally nominating Chicken for freak of the year award).  Sure, Chicken, I can do that for you.  There you go, all set, enjoy your new phone and let me know if you have any questions...

And now I have a brand new pretty blue and white Samsung phone with a handy slide out keyboard.  Imagine my surprise when one of the options I found on the menu was...email....

But I swear I'm not going to use it.... although I might have to email Anibal just to check on my rebate and catch up...

I have to get ready to go visit the Bears now, World, so I don't have time to tell you how I found myself but check back later, ok?

Take care,

Chicken out

19 comments:

  1. LOL These modern conveniences are going to be the death of us....or our bank accounts!

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  2. I'm in awe of your technological-ness.

    I'm still toting round a Motorola Razr V3 with a cracked front because I'm too cheap to buy an iphone (which by the way cost more here in Australia than my house did )

    Email me !

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  3. Ooooh PS. I spent the morning with 2 people from your corner of the world (like maybe even your town I think) this morning and thought of you the whole time. Cant recall a damn thing they said for the whole 3.5 hours. thanks ...because there'll probably be a pop quiz abou the content and I'm going to fail, and maybe lose my job and become homeless.

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  4. I feel your pain! My BB internet is costing more than my home internet. And it is "required" on the new "smartphones" I think its called a smart phone because it's basically robbing me each and every day without holding a weapon to my head.

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  5. They saw Chicken coming and put out some tasty, tasty seed!! Yum Yum. You couldn't help yourself!

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  6. Dee-they need a new legal chapter for people driven to bankruptcy by technology purchases. Or perhaps forclosure on technology will be the next big thing. I can see the "Government Auction" notices now.

    Mrs. P-oh so not technologicky at all. Who did you meet? Did you ask them if they knew me?

    Chicken (giggle) Chicken Chicken Chicken. We must be related. Let's talk. I've visited your coop and I liked it. I liked it a lot.

    Scrappy-now you have a real floor to roll on:-)

    Betty-Yes, they always see me coming from a mile away. Usually they hear me first. And usually I'm saying something stupid.

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  7. I am supposedly getting an iPhone when my regular old phone's contract is kaput. I like my regular phone. I don't get emails on it therefore I cannot be found. But, this family of mine seems to think it's a good thing to be able to find their wife and mother. I am not looking forward to it.

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  8. Chick, BigJ has not upgraded his LG flip phone for 5 years...that's right, there are children entering Kindergarten this year that are younger than BigJ's phone. He has the same attitude that you have when it comes to phones.

    Where are those BAA meetings being held? I may have to look into them...

    CB

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  9. Joann-what a nerve your family has, wanting to know where you are at any given moment. MIne,too, but no one is concerned enough to offer me an I-Phone. Guess they know it would be like burning money.

    CB-BigJ and BigB have a lot in common. The other members of this family have gone through 10 phones between them, at least, and he's had the same one for years. He talks on it all the time, though. My BAA meeting is at Radio Shack. I know. Go figure..

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  10. Jeez Chick isn't that a little bit like having the AA meeting at the Pub?

    CB

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  11. CB-yes, I think it is a conspiracy. But I'm going to beat this thing, anyway. I may develop an addiction to car radio but where is the harm in that, right?

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  12. yes, definetly stay away from Blackberries! Be careful not to give Tmobile your name too.....if they know that you want to even look at a new plan or phone they will extend your contract a year. Grrr.....

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  13. I just replaced my God-awful LG Incite PDA for work. I have a fully-functioning Samsung Blackjack now, and I am actually capable of using its features without having to pull over on the side of the road with the hazards on, or stopping everything I'm doing, finding a chair, putting on my glasses, and getting out a little, tiny stylus with which to type. Sounds like good news huh? Not so much. Now, I am fully capable of responding to email and answering calls. Damn. I forgot that a work phone comes with actual work...

    Missed you Chicken! You sound like me at the phone store. Or cable company or car dealership, for that matter. I hate paying for anything. (More to come on my car-buying adventures, btw...)

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  14. Bry-I know. I miss that little roller ball, though. So handy. How's your little one?

    SS Missed you, too! I don't know from Black Jack, but I do know that anything that comes with a stylus is pretty darn old:-) Can't wait to hear the car buying story and it's good to see you back

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  15. Chick,

    The Radio is a known gateway drug to technology. I fear you may have to abstain completely. Buy a harmonica.

    CB

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