Friday, June 4, 2010

Chicken Fight!!!!

Hey there, World:

(Mean Chicken enters stage right and says:)

Know what I hate?  I hate when bloggers apologize for their absence.  We're all busy.  No one cares. 

(Mean Chicken exits stage left)

So I cannot win a fight with my husband and I hate that. 

I wish I had hyperboleandahalf's MSPaint ability for this post because I really think the illustrations would help, but I am just going to have to go forward with a verbal demonstration with the hope that I can create a nightmarish visual in your head from which you will most likely recover given five minutes and a handful of Lays potato chips to distract your brain sensors.

Anyway.

My husband's brain:  Picture one of those accordian files with everything neatly labeled.  Typed labels, not handwritten. That part is important.  And in each "file" portion of the accordian is a Chicken Transgression labeled by date (primary) and transgression type (secondary).  Transgression types might be noted as such:
  • Was not empathetic
  • Did not support
  • Was volatile due to perimenopause symptoms
  • Took husband for granted
  • Assumed (because when you assume....)
  • Subcode to Assumed:  Assumed mind reading capability
  • Was a bitch (also code as:  In general)
  • It is your fault (also a subcode to in general)
Etc.  You get the picture.

So let's say BigB has a problem with the Chicken:

There is BigB's brain, all nicely compartmentalized, and when we have an argument he puts on his reading glasses (figuratively) and starts thumbing through all his files and pulls out the perfect argument to whatever the current argument encompasses. BigB's files are many and his files are equal to his task.  BigB is a warrior. (cue Irish fightin' music)

Now let us take a look at Chicken's brain:

Chicken's brain looks like a big cloud, which is really a rather trendy techno-geek word right now, except it ain't so pretty in an argument with BigB.  Up front of the brain cloud is a primary cumulous cloud entitled, "Arrgghhh I hate conflict.  Please.  Please.  Joke Joke. Save me.  For the love of God, get me oughta here."

Behind the primary cumulous cloud is a general cloud that encompasses all Chicken's thoughts, feelings, and philosophical leanings.  The visual for Chicken's brain resembles Bob Marley's head.  Times 10.  No organization, no process. Just a lot of dreadlocks shooting out all over the place with a downward gravity. And when Chicken has a bone to pick with BigB, picture Bob Marley checking his head for lice. 

Compare that to the visual of BigB thumbing through his accordian files.

So when BigB has an issue to discuss, the conversation might sound like this:

BigB:  Why are you being such a bitch?
Chicken:  (tries joke escapism) And by "Bitch" do you mean really hot dog that you would like to have sex with?
BigB: (shuffles through files) No, I mean you are being a bitch, as in you are being a bitch right now, just like you were last Tuesday at 5:00 PM .  And the prior Saturday at 11:00 AM.
Chicken:  (in conflict escape mode) I'm not a bitch, I'm a creative and sometimes we are moody.  Don't take it personally. It is not about you. 
BigB:  No, you are definitely being a bitch.  Stop it.
Chicken: (defense mode) Leave me alone, I don't want to talk about it.
BigB: (calm and reasonable) I do want to talk about it. 
Chicken: (ridiculous mode) But I don't and I said it first, so I win. ....So there.
BigB:  You are being ridiculous!
Chicken: (agree and get the hell out) I know!
BigB:  (confused by agreement strategy) Well, stop it!
Chicken:  OK!!!

Now, let's say Chicken has a bone to pick with BigB:

Chicken:  (in defense mode after having worked self into perimenopausal frenzy over "unfairness of it all" and can no longer remain silent despite Conflict Avoidance Cloud screaming, "DON'T GO THERE YOU CRAZY BITCH") You are not being fair.
BigB:  Yes I am.  Last Tuesday I cleaned out the dishwasher, and I always give littleb his bath, and who always mows the lawn? huh? Who sorted out the Slurple Lexus Fiasco, huh? And hey, do you want to do the taxes this year? Do you even know what a W-2 form is? Plus two years ago on February 5, when you had the flu who was there for you?  huh? 
Chicken: (furiously trying to remember Feb 5, 2008 and choosing to overlook Slurple Lexus drowning)  I know what a W-2 form is.  D'uh.
BigB:  Oh you do?  And where is yours? 
Chicken: (perplexed) uh.  I gave it to you.  Remember?  You said, "have you gotten your W-2", and I said, "yes, I'll get it for you."
BigB: Yes, you said that on Feb 1 at 4PM, and then you went out for milk (allegedly) and you never gave it to me.
Chicken:  Yes, I did (knows she totally did not)
BigB: No, you didn't.
Chicken:  (Wildfire dreadlock number 34 kicks in, also known as the "Fabrication defense") Not only did I give you my W-2, but I also advised you on the new tax law regarding college tuition deductions for children over the age of 22 that is only effective this year.
BigB: (sad, disappointed face) Chicken.  No you didn't.  That isn't even a law.
Chicken: (self-rightous mode) Well! It should be!
BigB:  Chicken.  Life isn't fair. 
Chicken: (just wanted BigB to do more housework.  Does not understand how conversation turned to taxes.  Does not compute.  Does not compute. Emergency. Emergency. Escape. Escape at all costs.  Joke.  Code Funny)  Did you just fart?  Gross!!!
BigB:  Chicken, Why are you being such a bitch?

Repeat. 

(Amiable Chicken enters stage left) Sorry I haven't been around.  
I have a lot of catching up to do, yeah? (Amiable Chicken exits stage right).

Chicken out

23 comments:

  1. Chicken,
    You are twisted! I mean, in a good way not like a bitchy way :-)

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  2. Feel free to borrow my standard defense. "Well, I'm crazy. But I'm on medication". Sometimes it seems like it won't fit in an argument, but it always does, in a weird way.

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  3. Aw. Thanks Scrappy. I don't even try. It comes naturally, just like the bitchiness.
    3D (seepio) I like it. As in, I'm Crazy, what's your excuse? Yeah, that just might work. Not sure whether to file it under avoidance argument or ridiculous argument. Who am I kidding. There are no files up there.

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  4. naturally twisted AND bitchy! fantastic.... you're a great find.

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  5. Am I allowed to say I missed you? Please?

    Love your cloud brain!

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  6. Thanks Green Monkey. Sort of like a lemon, right? Or maybe lemonade sometimes, like when I am trying to be refreshing. I like your hat. Thanks for visiting. I'll come visit you.

    I missed you, too Betty. Was glad to touch base this morning, though. You are such a great photographer!

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  7. what a beautiful blog you have...and I love the title. I used that defense too...I'm crazy...how funny.
    Mary

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  8. Don't worry, it's not just you....

    http://www.engrish.com/2009/05/they-gotta-do-something-about-their-chickens/


    :D

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  9. Hi Mary-thanks for visiting and the compliment. I'll be by to visit soon.
    Miss Morgan-that is hilarious. I know that Chicken! That chicken is a much better fighter than I am.

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  10. I always say "I am not being a bitch. Today, I am simply nice impaired."

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  11. Way to win an argument. Baflle him with crazy!

    You go girl...oops I mean Chicken.

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  12. FN Nice impaired. Yes, me likey. Pleasantly challenged?

    Mrs.P. If you were by my side we could wreak absolute havoc, yes ma'am.

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  13. Hi Chicken, I'm back from my break!

    I'm glad somebody else's husband flings around the word bitch if I dare to be in a bad mood. I have a RIGHT to be in a bad mood if I feel like it.

    And oh, every time my husband tries to talk to me sternly with his reading glasses on, I refuse to talk to him. I am not going to get lectured by Grandpa.

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  14. HA! I just sent you an email and said I had a feeling I would love your blog..I was right!

    hysterical and crazy and just.my.style.

    I'm your newest follower.

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  15. Oh. Dear. God!! You have kidnapped my brain! My brain functions JUST LIKE YOURS!! And my my husband has GOT to be the most logical argue-er this side of the Mississippi. He drives me insane sometimes!

    This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me snort and giggle through out!

    Oh, I'm glad you're back! : )

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  16. Joann-oh I was so glad to see YOU back-you have no idea! And thanks to your post I have two new blogs! Yes, I know the reading glasses lowered down on the nose with the serious eyes staring out over the top. I hate that.

    Empress-thank you for visiting my blog and following. I'm happy!

    Katie-I always think of you as much more generally consistent and prepared than me. You mean you can't remember back to 2008 either? I can't remember back to yesterday most days.

    Thanks for reading everyone

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  17. BigJ pissed me off one time (okay, it was way more than one time, but it's late and I don't feel like being up for the next 172 hours regaling you with all the stories, so I'm just going to tell you about this one time (at band camp)...) no, not really, it was in our kitchen...

    Here is the rundown:
    CB: "No, YOU are the one who said we should blah-da-de, blah, blah, and I am the one who said we should blah, blah!"
    BigJ: "Why are you yelling at me?"
    CB: "Because I'm assuming the issue here is AUDITORY and NOT intellectual--but feel free to correct me if I am wrong!"

    To his credit, he just burst out laughing.

    Feel free to use it on BigB, and let me know how it goes.

    CB

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  18. Oh CB. You are genius. You really can't lose with that one. I'm definitely using it. BigB, however, will most likely say, "huh?". Because, sadly, the issue really is auditory.

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  19. Cloud brain?? Really. son of a bitch. that explains so damn much.
    CB; Please dont bring no pea shooter when you be messen that chick. Poor bigJ so underequiped.

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  20. Chicken, perhaps you and I could arrange a spouse swap for disagreements. I believe I could hold my own against BigB, and perhaps you and Mr. Bug could watch a movie or tell jokes and completely avoid any sort of conflict while BigB and I sort out the details.

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  21. I spoke too soon. Mr. Bug has weighed in on the proposition and says this:

    Oh Sweetie, it's not that I want to avoid conflict, it's that I know I'm right and I don't want to hurt your feelings.

    And sorry, no spouse swaps. Ever. I'm certain you're the least of all Evils, and by far the cutest.

    Love you,
    Mr. Bug

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  22. CB: Don't listen to Anonymous (hard stare your way Anonymous and I know who you are. I will mess you up. I know ALL the cloud brains:-)

    Elizabeth: Well, how cute is he? You had me sold, too. Shucks.

    ReplyDelete

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