Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Chicken Letters Volume 3

Dear Target:


I will be shopping in your store on December 24th from 4PM to approximately 6PM.  I would much appreciate it if you would limit store occupancy during that time to 100 occupants or less.  While I normally prefer far fewer people sharing my shopping experience, I do realize that you have a business to run and am willing to compromise.  I will, however, require a dedicated register and register attendant at all times.  Also, if your people could do a quick clean-up of all the aisles before I arrive, I would be most appreciative.  This will most likely require closing an hour before my scheduled arrival, but I think you'll find that the time spent organizing will much enhance my shopping experience and be well worth your time spent.   Don't forget the bathrooms!  Finally, I will require an additional 20% discount off your already low prices because, really, your prices aren't as low as I would expect.  Thank you for your attention to these matters.  I look forward to shopping with you on the 24th.


With warm regards,


Chicken


Dear Butterball,

While we very much enjoyed our Butterball Turkey this year, I have a suggestion that will improve next Thanksgiving's roasting experience.  At least for me.  It will make no impact on the experience of anyone else in my household because, collectively, they contributed nothing in terms of labor, and therefore have no need of improvement.  In fact, I'd say their experience was pretty optimal, on the whole. 

Anyway.  Back to me.  What I really could have used this year was a built in thermometer that pops out when the turkey is done.  It would be really cool if it could also be waving a little US of America flag.  That's what you call brand enhancement, right there.  You can use that idea for free.  You are welcome.   I do realize that there is a probably a cost attached to outfitting all these turkeys with built in thermometers and that you probably, in this economy, are trying to keep your costs down so as to help more people afford turkeys.  That is nice of you, but I need that thermometer so that I do not have to interrupt my tweeting to run back and forth, from computer to oven, checking temperatures.  That's a lot more exercise than I really need want, even if it is Thanksgiving. 

So I put on my thinking cap.  You know, the tall, pointy one that used to say "Dunce" until I changed it because I'm not a dunce, I just need to think more?  That's what my mom says, anyway.  And I had an idea.  How about if you genetically modify your turkeys so that they grow their own internal thermometer?   Yeah, then you won't have to insert one during the processing stage.  Or maybe you could just slip a little mercury and some plastic into their feed, and the whole thing will probably take care of itself.  Just give me a call if you want any more great ideas.  I have them all the time.

Sincerely yours,

Chicken

P.S.  By the way, you could also lose the organs and neck.  Who wants to reach into a body cavity and pull out a bag of organs and necks?  Only old people living in the mid-west, that's who.  Because they still make that giblet gravy, or cook it and feed it to their cats.  Because of the depression, I know.  But the rest of us think it is pretty gross.  You could sell it directly to the cat food company, and they could process it so that the old people living in the mid-west wouldn't have to cook it for their cats to prevent it from going to waste.  They could just buy it from Fancy Feast. 

Dear Fancy Feast:

You're in!  You owe me one.
Later,

Chicken


Dear Kendall Jackson:

Sweetie, it's me, it's not you.  You have to stop stalking me like this. Stop calling after me as I walk by your shelf.  I need a break.  Time to think clearly without your tropical fruit flavors and oak overtones clouding my mind. No, I haven't taken up with Clos du Bois.  We are just friends.  You were always my best guy, KJ.  It is just that your alliance with marlboro is killing me.  I would never  ask you to stop hanging out with him, but he and I have become estranged recently, and seeing you just reminds me of him.  Sure, maybe in the years to come we can get back together for a laugh or two, but for now I just can't see you anymore.  Try to understand, ok?  I'll always love you, KJ.  Stay sweet. 

Love Chicken

Dear Marlboro,

You suck.  You were hot once.  You had me fooled.  I really thought you were a cowboy.  Now you are just dead to me.

Hugs,
Chicken

Dear Santa,

Hiiiiiiiiii!  How are you?  How was your Thanksgiving?  How is the missus, and the elves and the reindeer.  Did Rudolf get that glowing nose problem cleared up?

Question:  How good is good?  I mean, could you clarify?  Because I am confused.  Are we talking Mother Theresa good?  Princess Di good?  There's a sizeable gap there, I'm sure you'll agree.  And then there's the rest of us.  I really want to be on your good side, but I don't want to over do it because then you'll think I am sucking up, and Chicken doesn't suck up.  Even for you, Santa, and you're one of my favorites. 

So just let me know, when you get a chance, exactly how good I have to be.  Do I need to adopt orphans and rescue stray kittens? Or could I just stop stepping on spiders?  If they are in the house, can I still step on them?  Should I go to church more?  Or can I just stop calling my husband a dickhead when he makes me mad?  Should I stop flirting with strange men, or should I sit on your lap at the office Christmas party?  I mean, there are just so many nuances to that one little word, aren't there?  It really is quite subjective, Santa.  Maybe an online list would help me with your expectations.  And a follow-up online quiz would be great for all of us, just so that we know where we stand.  For instance:

1.  How many people did you maim or kill outright in 2010?
a.  none
b.  2 or less
c.  more than 2
d. a lot
e. all of the above

2.  How often did you steal in 2010
a.  I never steal
b.  2 or less times
c.  More than two times
d.  a lot
e.  None of the above

3.  How often did you lie in 2010 (does not include white lies)
a.  I never lie
b.  I only tell white lies
c.  Whenever it seemed necessary
d.  I always lie just for fun
e.  Sometimes I lie, but on the whole, I'm very active

etc.

And then you could have a grading system, see?  People who answer mostly A get all of their holiday wishes.  People that answer mostly B. get 50% and people who answer primarily C. will get 25%.  People who mostly circle D. get coal.  Those answering mostly E. get everything on their list plus a relaxing vacation in an extra special care facility in Vermont.  You can tell them it's the vacation cruise they asked for.  They won't know the difference.  Okay, Santa Baby, gotta go and finish my list, and I'm sure you'll want to take another look at yours, keeping all of this in mind. I look forward to hearing from you soon. 

XOXOXO
Chicken

21 comments:

  1. I loved these. You should totally come over to my blog and link up. I do a Dear..... every tuesday.

    http://dazeedreams.blogspot.com/2010/11/dear113010.html

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  2. oh, and omg, I so agree with the neck thing in the turkey,

    And I'm totally laughing out loud in my office over the letter to santa.

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  3. These christmassy posts made me wonder who would win in a race of chichens versus turkeys,
    and I mean the running type race.

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  4. Dear Chicken,

    Here is a new chardonnay love for you--Gundlach Bundschu. It is very much like your KJ, oaky with fruit overtones. It's also reasonably priced. And I know it's a mouthful to say, but it is heaven in the actual mouth. And they have no affiliation with bad products. And mostly, they are very, very nice at their winery unlike the KJ people who are snobby assholes at the KJ winery.

    Also, one time, my mother had put all the giblet nasties in a pitcher to boil them up later because she is elderly and midwestern. My brother thought the pitcher was lemonade. Why? I don't know. I'm really not sure how you could mistake organ juice for gravy. I will say he was a teenager at the time and it was the 80's and well, I'll just say it, I think he might have been stoned. Anyway, because of that story, I will be forever fond of giblets. I smile when I think of them.

    And one more thing, chicken, I loved your list and just like lovely Noelle, I love you. You make my blog world sparkle.

    Love and Chardonnay Hugs,

    Your bestie Joann

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  5. LOL! Love your Turkey idea...
    Let us know how the Target experience goes!

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  6. Chicken, I thought my chicken was exceptionally good on my blog post today, but you top all. My friend with three girls was taking the giblets from the turkey cavity and the girls watched. My friend exclaimed, "It's a boy!" as she pulled the neck out.

    If Chicken can get the aisles clear, maybe Chicken can help me with stores for my shopping.

    You are right about "good." I would like Santa to clarify that for me. Pass along his answer, please.

    Chicken, you have a gift for letter writing!

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  7. I know my mother loves the neck and gizzards. LOVES THEM. So, like you, I thought it was an old midwestern person thing. BUT THEN a YOUNG woman at work told me she was crushed that the turkey she bought [an expensive free-range organic turkey] didn't have any neck or gizzards. Because she ACTUALLY LOVES TO EAT THEM. It still makes me sick to think about it.

    Also, can I meet you at Target?

    And I think you're right, Santa needs to be clearer. Because I'm wavering between all As and all Es. So maybe I need to be clearer.

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  8. Hey Suniverse-you are golden. You don't need to do a thing.

    All of you can go to Target with me, are you kidding? And then we'll go out for drinks. But not KJ.

    Santa-are you listening? Everyone agrees with me. Everyone. We need guidelines. Something like the ten commandments, you know? But with a little bigger margin for error.

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  9. scuze the french here- but, Shit that was a funny post. gotta go change now cuz ya made me pee my jammies

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  10. Oh. My. Heck! (That's a Utah expression. Plus, since the jury is still out on how good you have to be to get the goods from the Man in Red, I thought I'd play it safe.) How do you come up with such funny stuff? Is there a class somewhere I can take, because I could seriously use it.

    xo -El

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  11. Why arent you drinking god damn Australian wine? Everyone knows its the best.

    I laughed so hard stuff came out of my nose at your letters...Im pretty much over snotting on myself when I come here to visit. It's just plain embarrassing. I dont think I can be your friend anymore...

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  12. When I'm done, a tiny american flag pops out of my...oh wait, wrong blog. Just ignore that.

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  13. fucking marlboros. listen, be promiscuous with the wines and start chewing nicorette. totally takes the edge off. i mean it -- all this clean living will kill you.

    too funny about the giblet gravy.

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  14. Best post yet. Merry Holidays Chicken.

    CB

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  15. OMG Hilarious! I love love loved this post!

    For a brief period when I was unemployed a few years ago, I wrote and sent letters to each and every company that pissed me off. Suffice to say I got lots of free stuff and considered adding 'Professional Complainer' to my resume.

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  16. I'm sure you won't mind if I borrow the letter you wrote to Walmart, right? That does apply to Canadian residents, right?
    (You're so hilarious...I'd love to insert an 'f' word before the word hilarious but I don't want to sully the family oriented feeling of your blog :) xoxoxo)

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  17. Sandra, you are such a smartass. You can use the f word anytime you want. I'll only consider the blog improved. See? Patty Punker's not worried. And you can borrow anything you want, too.

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  18. Chicken,

    Well how glad am I that you found my blog. You are awesome. The combo letters to KJ and Marlboro were fantastic. Please let me know if they obey you're requests, because it's so weird that I suffer from the same treatment of those two.
    That Marlboro is a dick man.
    Also, I think if we agree to choose all of the above on the Santa quiz, and THEN sit on his lap-we should be ok as far as prezzies go.
    Loving this blog.

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  19. I am keeping a little list on Santa myself and am going to use it to blackmail him should he not deliver the netbook I have requested. I do believe this is one of my favorite posts of yours, Chicken!

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  20. Oh, I think you are right, Menace. The lap sitting will be the clincher, for sure. We are going to have a lot of fun together, I can tell. And the next time you go to mardi gras, I want in.

    Betty-I am not at all surprised-you are a take control kinda gal. Getting the dirt on Santa. Genius.

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