Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Chicken Got Mail or Fan Folly, depending on your perception

Hi World,

Guess what?  Huh?  Huh?

No, guess!

No, George Clooney did not marry me, he married some other chick, according to Joann Mannix.  I know, the resemblence is uncanny. 

Alright (rolling eyes) I will tell you.  I got mail!  Yes!  Someone, in an apparently desperate attempt to revive Chicken's flagging career as prolific blogger, actually asked me, Chicken, for advice.  Oh the folly.  Shakespeare would have a field day.

But me?  I'm just wildly flattered.  And of course, I have answers.  Not only do I have answers, but so does Pearl Annabelle LaFleur.  Just this one time, I'm going to post both our answers on this page, but going forward (because I know, based on this audition, that you all will have questions), we will post my advice on this page and Pearl's advice on her page.  Two opinions for the price of one and they are both free!  And, ah, you know, right, about the tongue/cheek ratio?

First, Lived La Vida Loco writes:

Dear Chicken,

I was cleaning out the spare room yesterday, and came across pictures from my college days. Said pictures present me living my college life to its fullest. Suffice to say, it's not a path I wish my progeny to pursue. Should I shred the pictures or pray that they keep hidden away until after both have acquired their MBA's?

Signed,
Lived La Vida Loco


(Therapist note:  Progeny?  WTF is progeny?  It is totally obvious to me that LLVL learned some good words in college, if nothing else, and for that, he/she should be commended.)

Dear Lived La Vida Loco:

Yes, I see your problem.  I have some questions I must ask. First of all, do you have any tattoos, and if so, where are they located?  Second, what are "progeny"?  Do they have anything at all to do with parents?  Because, generally, I believe that parents are better off not knowing what you were up to while they were paying for your college education.  The ones they may not have had access to.  And I have to ask, why are you still living with your parents and where are they going to school?  Are you paying for it?  Is that why you are so concerned?  At any rate, a little la vida loco never hurts the old folk.  I say order a case of hurricane mix, throw in some mardi gras beads, and throw a themed keg party in their honor.  Hope this helps.
Chicken
 
 

And now, Pearl's advice:

Chicken, first of all, quit with the tattoo questions.  Not everyone has your obsession with tattoos.  Second of all, this reader presents with a legitimate concern.  Use your dictionary, Chicken.  Finally, obviously, this is a female writer.  How many former frat boys do you know with shoeboxes of evidence hidden in their house?  Or any concern whatsoever that it might be discovered?  Just sayin'.

And LLVL, what were you thinking asking Chicken for advice?  Have you seen her graduation picture?  Here it is:


Notice anything?  Yes, Chicken was absent on picture day.  She was living a little La Vida Loca her own damn self.  She was probably out getting her right breast tattooed. 


But lucky for you, Old Pearl is here, Honey, to help you adjust to No Vida Loca Ever (NVLE) status.  Here's what you will need to deal with this situation:
  • a rosary
  • a bible
  • a photo of you at bible camp
  • a camp fire
  • or a high security mailbox (think Switzerland)
  • A copy of your college diploma and subsequent degrees, if possible
  • A bottle of vodka or suitable substitute
  • All the ingredients for s'mores (optional)

First, take the rosary, the bible, the photo and a copy of your degree.  Put them in a battered shoe box marked with your graduation year and labeled "Top Secret".  Leave in an obvious location, like the top right hand corner of your closet.  Next, gather all incriminating evidence and hope to hell your kids ain't as nosy as Chicken's because otherwise, you've been found out, fool. 

Second, either set up your campfire or call Switzerland to find out how to get one of them top secret security box accounts like you see in the movies.  I definitely recommend the campfire, because then the fun just keeps on coming.  Take your beverage of choice and your incriminating evidence out to the campfire.  Pour a drink and toast those photos one at a time.  Relive each photo before watching it go up in flames (just like your youth!). 

When you are done, write down a few alternate memories in a fake journal, as an additional distraction from the truth device.  Consider it a memoir of what might have been, if you hadn't been busy surfing cars an' boys, and listening to the devil's music and whatnot. 

Then what you do is you toast some marshmallows and your childrens' futures, knowing your past is beyond progenic inspection, providing you don't tell campfire stories;  or talk in your sleep; or have a husband who talks in his sleep; or have parents who talk whenever they feel like it just for fun and revenge.  Yeah, that last one's the bitch.

Good luck LLVL.  Just know that one day you'll have grandchildren and then?  All the fun begins again.  

Love,
Pearl
Don't let your kids see this


Chicken out

11 comments:

  1. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/progeny?show=0&t=1316664782

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  2. I must say I love this deception inception.

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  3. Oh crap. My son just saw the other day pictures of my husband and me dressed up for Halloween when we just met... One year we dressed up as pimp and his ho. I had condoms sticking out from the pocket of my short short skirt. (I was a responsible ho!) Luckily the clothing looked just like any reenactment of the 80s so he did not ask any questions. Saved by the 80s again.

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  4. WTH Chicken, I wrote you, not Emily Litella!!! ;-)

    Progeny means offspring. Offspring in this instance means MY KIDS. Why progeny? Progeny seemed a better choice than "spawn".

    To answer your other question, no tattoos--as I am deathly scared of needles. (I'm sure that is the only thing that ever kept me from becoming a doctor and/or meth addict.)

    Additionally, WTF Chicken, Seniors don't have "Picture Day" Seniors have "Picture Summer"...meaning they have a whole summer to get thyself to the professional photographer and get one damn decent (--although you'll look back within 5 years and shudder at the choice of eye make up, clothing and requisite Acquanet enhanced hairstyle selected--) picture. A picture where all your blemishes are miraculously air brushed away, and you have the skin of a Cosmopolitan cover girl! For shame, Chicken! For shame!!! BTW, is that you on the floor in the picture with the Abercrombie and Fitch model flipping all of us the bird? Yeah, I'd skip senior pictures too if I could hang out with him on the floor half naked. ;-) Thank you for publishing my letter. Dear Abby and Ann Landers have blocked my email and issued a restraining order. Bitches.

    Dear Pearl,

    Thank you for your "Pearls" of Wisdom. (Ha! I'm killing myself over here!) Will commence firing up of the campfire asap. (Will need to do it whist progeny are otherwise occupied.) A quick inventory shows I have a bible (hardly used!), Rosary (same condition), photocopy machine to create copies of degrees, and ability to make campfire. Will be picking a nice Chardonnay, however, due to Vodka "allergy" that made it's presence know during a particularly eventful night about 10 years ago. Only issue is photo at bible camp. Yes, I went to bible camp, but I don't believe I have any pictures of it. (I do have a nice memory of getting tipsy on some smuggled in Boone's Farm with my tent mates and then some light petting with another kid from the neighboring church...but I digress...the point I'm trying to make is I may have to Photoshop it or just take some random picture from 1980 and label it "Bible Camp". I guess either will do. Thanks for the advice, Pearl.

    Signed,
    Lived La Vida Loco But Nobody Who Shares My Last Name Has to Know

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  5. Okay @anonymous, very funny. Here's one for you: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sarcasm

    DBS what happened in the 80's should stay in the 80's. It will be a much better world that way

    Absence-You just proved my point to DBS! So thanks. And I am so glad you are a responsible ho:-)

    LLVL: I'm more of a panel deal. Sorry. So if you think that might be me with AF boy, then that should tell you how easy it would be to look up a pious bible-camp kid (note, I said Pious) photo and claim it as your own. And, you know, frankly, I'm a genius for skipping that whole graduation summer thing. No photos/no regrets. Now I have to get to bed because my own progeny/spawn will be crawling about soon. Thanks for the prompt:-)

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  6. Oh and y'all click that George Clooney link. It is hilarious, compliments of Joann Mannix

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  7. Oh, snap, Chicken/Pearl! Link war!

    And is there anything you two can't do? You go from giving fashion advice to parenting advice without breaking a sweat.

    Chicken, You really ARE a genius--no evidence of graduation is brilliant! Although, I'm sure you would have looked smashing.

    Welcome back, glad to see you're posting again!

    xoxo
    CB

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  8. Graduation pictures are highly over rated Chicken . Life experience is what counts. A college degree just really means you're great at spewing back bullcrap...

    I like the idea of leaving my rosary beads and bible in full sight . I'm just worried Miss P will laugh until she wets her own pants at the thought I even own those items.

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  9. Wait. Chicken's a chick? That's awesome.

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  10. Hahahahaha! Chicken I share your love for tattoos, I wish I had the guts to get one of my own. But alas I am a coward so I'll just content myself with oogling everyone else's.

    Pearl is fun.

    And who the heck is in the picture at the end?

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  11. CB, oh snap is right! Me and Pearl, we are the two sides of the coin. She's the smart to my whimsical logic. thanks.

    Hallo there, Monk. You didn't know there was a chick factor here? I think I'm flattered. Or insulted. I'm not sure, actually. OK

    Shea-that right there? Is why I love you so much.

    Ashes: I find myself staring at them everywhere. My favorties are the arm sleeve ones. Walking art. I don't look at is as being a coward, though. I look at it as a matter of tolerance. If I got tattoos, after a week they would cease to thrill me...but I never get tired of seeing everybody elses. If anything, I am guilty of depriving everyone else of the thrill of my self expression. But this is my self expression, so I'm ok without them. Pearl is fun-you have no idea. I have no idea who is in that photo, but I like them and it could have easily been pulled from my 80's experience (and Lived La Vida Loco's, I'm sure). Cute, aren't they? He sort of looks like Ashton K. and she's sort of a Melanie Griffith's type. OMG, do you think it could be Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith? Ashes...do you know who they are? Just checking. They are my age, so you might not.

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