The Six Stages of Cable/Internet Service Disruption Adjustment

Warning:  This post is for mature audiences only.  And when I say mature, I do not necessarily mean mature in age. I mean mature.  As in the opposite of, "You are SO immature".  If no one has said this to you in the past five years, then you are probably mature enough to read this post without experiencing nightmares.

Otherwise.  Hmmm.  Hey you!  Hey!!  Have you heard that "Anchorman II" is out this weekend?  Okay, yeah, see ya later!

OMG lol.

Anyway, sometimes, maybe this has happened to you, your cable and internet service disappears for NO GOOD REASON.  I know. It's scary, right?  Imagine it happening for multiple days.

This is the tale I lived to tell.  Proceed at your own mental health risk.

The first stage is Denial/Delusion

1. Denial/Delusion:
    a.) The 7-year-old says:  "Mommy!  Haunted Hathaways is new tonight.  Fix it!  Fix it, Mommy.            fixxxxxitttttttt (insert high pitched squeal here.  Imagine crystal shattering).
    b.)  The 18-year-old says:  No way.  This cannot be happening to me.  Mom.  What's happening to me?  Mommy?
    c.)  CC:  I'm sure it's nothing boys.  I'll just reboot!! (this is the Delusion portion of our evening).

2. Anger:
    a.)  7YO:  Mommy. Spongebob.  Now.  I'm going to scream again.  (crystal shatters.  You know the drill)
    b.)  18YO:  MOM!  Just stop!  You can't fix it.  Call TECH SUPPORT!!!! OMG Why is this happening TO ME????
    c.)  Why isn't the reboot working???? X%^&*$##

3.  Bargaining:
     a.)  7 YO:   Mommy, pleeeeaasssse get Spongebob on. I'll sleep in my own bed and never say Poop again.
     b.) 18 YO:  Mom, don't cry. I'll call tech support and you can have some wine, ok?
     c.)  CC:  Please, God/Santa/Tech Support Guy, please, just fix it or deliver me to Heaven, ok?

4.  Fear:
     a.) 7 YO:  Mommy.  I'm scared.  You look scary.  Daddy?
     b.) 18 YO:  I'll never be a Professional Gamer Olympian now.
     c.)  CC:  All my blog followers will unfollow me.  All my carefully cultivated internet friends will unfriend me.

5.)  Sadness:
      a.)  7 YO: Mommy?  Is Spongebob dead?  I miss TV Mommy.
      b.)  18 YO:  My life is over.
      c.)  CC:  Internet, oh why hast thou forsaken me? Et tu Bravo?

6.)  Acceptance:
      a.) 7 YO:  Mommy, want to hear me sing Rudolph again?
      b.) 18 YO:  Hey, how about we rent some movies?
      c.)  CC:  Ok. Let's go to RedBox. Everyone in the car.  Everyone sing.........

 Bonus stage:  Nonacceptance:  NO!  NO, I do not accept this!  I cannot accept this!  Verizon.  Get someone out here now.  I WILL SWITCH TO COX. I WILL.  I'M DIALING.......

One voice is conspicuously absent here, have you noticed?  Yes, this person's response to the entire service interruption debacle was "Oh well.  It's not the end of the world."

Oh really, Person Hiding in His Office while your wife tries to keep two increasingly hostile  internet/television deprived boys entertained?  Person who is possibly, quite probably, a sociopath and is definitely acting a little morally superior right now but who has not had to miss a single important sporting event?  As of yet? Oh yes, BigB, Sunday is coming...

Chicken out

PS  I tried to find an image that might adequately portray my frustration with Verizon Tech Support, but I couldn't find one.  So then I decided to find a funny meme about IT, and couldn't find one.  Then I thought, hey, I'll find something cute, turn this frown upside down, and I couldn't find anything cute.  Then I realized it's me.  So I'm posting this instead. This is for you, BigB.




Tim Hawkins: Things You Don't Say To Your Wife

Santa Maybe....

Santa maybe, get BigB to trim the tree
for me
Maybe even hang some lights, Santa Baby
Could you call him sometime maybe tonight?

Santa Maybe, could we talk about the little one too
It's true
He's bouncing off the walls around  here, Santa Maybe
Could we dose him with the whiskey this once?

Think of all the dishes I've rinsed
Think of all the Bravo television  I've missed
Next year I might be just as good
If you'll send me a personal chef
.
Santa really, there's one thing that you maybe could do
Could you
Send me thirteen elves on loan?  I will
Send them back to you next year

Santa Maybe, send Martha Stewart to my house
To bake
200 sugar cookies, no wait, that's scary
Just send them down the chimney instead

Santa would you, wrap these presents for me
and then
Send them next day fed ex for free I will
Forever be your biggest fan

You could even clean my garage if you like
Maybe hold a garage sale while I read this book
I really do believe in you
I know you can get rid of all this junk

Santa Maybe, just one more little thing
The ring
The one around my bathtub is gross could you
Send Magic Mike to clean it tonight

I know this isn't Magic Mike but "Matthew McConaughey dressed as a cowboy stripper"
didn't really flow well

Leftover Stuffing?

I love stuffing.  I love it so much  I made extra this year.  A lot extra.  Turns out that I am the one person in my house who really loves stuffing.  I had no idea.  I now find myself with an abundance of stuffing.

Oh stuffing, our familiarity has bred much contempt.  Be gone from my home!

Perhaps you find yourself in the same situation?  After much brain mapping plus a bottle of Kendall Jackson, I've come up with this handy list of recycling ideas for our leftover stuffing.

"Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without."  That's what I always say.  Well, not me, but people have said that.  It seems reasonable.

Chicken's list of things to do with leftover stuffing:

• Modern sculpture.   I am picturing a replica of the first Thanksgiving constructed entirely out of leftover stuffing
• Poultice.  I'm not sure how this would work, but it seems like a fit
• Gesso replacement for the painters out there.  Picture an angry stuffing sea. What?  You can paint over it, dudes.
• Homemade paper!
• Insulation?  You'd need a lot of stuffing.  Perhaps if we took up a collection, we could insulate some poor soul's Hampton cottage
• Facial mask (it's all organic!)
• Fuel. I'm pretty sure dried out stuffing pellets would light the night and give off a pleasant aroma to boot.  In fact, why not grill some salmon on  a stuffing plank?  Why not?
• Jewelry.  I'm picturing feathers and stuffing shaped into little turkeys.  So ironic.  The hipsters will totally dig them.
• Dog treats.  My dog doesn't want any but dogs that don't get stuffing might like a stuffing cookie for Christmas.  A stuffing filled chew toy, perhaps
• Do you think we could make a fabric out of leftover stuffing?  I'm thinking super warm socks
• Thanksgiving scented Candles!!!
• Again, we'd have to take up a collection, sort of like a scrap metal yard, but maybe we could use stuffing to fill potholes here in the Northeast?
• Stuffing drywall seems doable

What will you make with your leftover stuffing?

Chicken out

Taxidermy irony anyone?