Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Chicken Math

Good morning, World:

Once again there is no sleep for the Chicken.  Not even the Rockstar Fantasy helped tonight. 

So that means another random, middle of the night post.  Your favorite, right?  And LOOK!  I figured out how to do a proper link.  Oh I know this is a small thing for you pro-bloggers but I am a blogger of Very Little Brain, so for me this is a BIG DEAL.

Basking in the glory of my achievement.

Still Basking.

Okay, I'm ready.

I was thinking today of how I could arrange for more blogging time.  I think I've come up with a plan.  What I need to do is replace me.  Because we all know cloning is years away for Chickens.  Sheep are easy, but Chickens take time. Chickens are complicated. 

So here's the plan:  The things that take up an awful lot of my time are cleaning, cooking, laundry and childcare.   If I really gave these tasks the attention they require to be done really well (and if I'm going to get someone else to do them, I want them done really well, not the half-assed way I do them), the time table looks something like this:

Cleaning:  2 hours each weekday, 10 hours on weekend = 20 hours
Cooking: To include daily lunch making. 1.5 hours each weekday, 2.5 hours each weekend day = 12.5 hours
Laundry:  Includes sheets/blankets, folding and putting away: Mean time (does not include "waiting") 1 hour each weekday, 3 hours p/weekend = 8 hours
Childcare:  Includes watching of Max and Ruby, chocolate snack preparation, potty calls, and answering all questions beginning with the word "Why". 14 hours p/day or 98 hours p/week total.

20+12.5+8+98 = 138.5

So I need help running my life about 138.5 hours per week.

At $10 p/hour.

That is $1,385 p/week.  Plus healthcare at 1.2 million dollars p/week (estimated)

Hmmm.  May have to get second job as Census Worker...

Okay, that is 40 hours traipsing through bad neighborhoods X $12 p/hour = $480 p/week - 45% for taxes = $171 p/week. 

Still a little short.  Much head scratching....

If I teach littleb how to cook, clean and do laundry, which he can hardly do any worse than I do, and I pay him in M&Ms, that will keep him busy 40.5 hours p/week, which will cost me roughly $233 p/week in chocolate wages.  Then I will only need help running my life 57.5 hours p/week because surely if littleb is busy he won't be out wreaking havoc amongst the masses, which brings my costs down to $575 p/week plus 1.2 million p/week for healthcare (estimated).


Got it.  If I coerce Teenager Who Lives in my Basement to oversee littleb when he (littleb not Teenager, God forbid) is not busy working, and pay him in chips and soda, I can avoid 1.2 million in healthcare costs (est.) and bring that $575 down to $322 p/week, maybe less if I buy 1 ton bags of chips at Sam's Club.  Plus, several other Teenagers Who Have Taken Up Residence in my Basement will provide extra backup care when it is main Teenager's turn to kill and maim on XBox.

See, World?  Sometimes we just need to manage our time better.  And a little delegating doesn't hurt. 

Speaking of work, the other day I posted about GG (still waiting, still holding my horses, btw) and about chores my family believes are completed by faeries.

BigB insists that in the name of fairness I post his list of things the faeries must do.  So ok BigB.  Here is your list:  And I made it longer than mine, but not to assauge your male ego, no, not at all. 

Paints, hammers and screws things
Rids the house of all traces of lead paint that might harm littleb should he stop eating chocolate long enough to develop a lead paint chip addiction
Files taxes
Stops the people living in the apartment complex next door from parking overnight in front of our house (I have no idea why this is important but it is. Very important. And the faeries would just F*ck it up, which is why BigB has to do it)
Keeps up on current events in case there are tsunamis headed our way
Follows through on rebates
Replaces the gas tank on the grill
Keeps plants alive
Plants the daffodil bulbs (upside down sometimes, but hey, China needs daffodils, too)
Rids house of bats when necessary (surprisingly, often necessary in our little urban utopia)
Calls "our friends in the digital age" aka the cable company when necessary. Which is far too often.
Car maintenance and legal issues
Provides back up money from secret wallet when Chicken is short of lunch money (see her list).

Thanks for your time.  Maybe I can sleep now.  And you can count on more posts coming your way soon now that I am going to have all this extra time on my hands.

Take care,


  1. Great post Chickie! Love this one!

  2. Really? Am still not sure. Thus the posting delay. But thank you. And RB, great job and good luck! Now the Faeries can also drive the minivan! They will like that.

  3. Chicken, my head hurts with all the math equations. How can you think so big so late at night? You are a wonder chicken ;)

  4. I love me some buttercup:-) That is right. Chicken is very smart and the World should listen. Mwah ha ha ha

  5. For one awful moment I thought you said 'still basting'...What? Someones about to eat our chicken!!!...;-)

  6. Oh, lets not talk about "left brain's" (my borrowed nickname for my version of BigB) list of Things To Do! Mine looks alot like yours, Chicken, but Left Brain seems to think that bringing in the mail is an Accomplishment! Other than that, the faeries are at my residence taking care of: dog grooming (including the ever-tedious teeth cleaning and nail trimming (oh what joy is being covered in under-coat and felted dog hair!), the window screen spring cleaning, the carpet spot cleaning (I reference the dogs in the beginning of this run-on sentence - though I need to clarify that it's mud spots, not the yellow type), and the miraculous restocking of items in the fridge and pantry, among many, many other thins. Great post, Chicken.

  7. Ohhh I forgot about the screen cleaning. That belongs on BigB's list, though. Because I forgot about it for a reason, reason being, I would never think to do it:-)

  8. Max & Ruby rocks! Found this site ( for Max and Ruby backpacks, Max and Ruby DVDs, Max and Ruby toys.


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