Thursday, April 15, 2010

L is for Letter and M is for Mom UPDATED

Hi World,

I've been thinking how rare it is to get an actual letter in the mail.  Now that we have the internet and facebook, no one writes letters anymore, and that's too bad. 

I've decided to spend my last couple days of vacation dropping some notes to some deserving individuals.

Dear Ivory Soap:

Can soap get dirty?  Like if you are in a public shower at the gym, and you drop your washcloth on the floor obviously you are not going to pick it up and wash your face with it because, gross, cooties from the 37 people who showered before you are obviously all OVER that cloth, but if you drop the soap is it the same thing?  Or should you just rinse it off and consider it clean again?  I really need to know this.

Yours in Cleanliness,
Chicken



Dear God:

Thank you for weakening my eyesight so that I can no longer see the deep wrinkles developing around my eyes and nose.  You are a wise and benevolent God. 

In piety,
Chicken


Dear Colonel Saunders:

I am writing to let you know that I have almost mentally recovered from the trauma of nearly being coated in 11 secret spices and deep fried back in 1986.  You really are a sick bastard, you know that? And your friend, Purdue, also.  Hell is reserving a special spot for the likes of you two sickos. 

Revenge will be mine,
Chicken

Dear GG,


Happy Library Workers week. I hope they did something special for you like give you a t-shirt or a coffee mug or something. I think a t-shirt that says "Librarians do it Quietly" would be very becoming.

XOXO
Chick

Dear  New Boss:

One thing that you do not yet know about me is that I eat cheese and crackers every single day while sitting at my desk and it is seriously annoying to anyone sitting within 10 yards of me.  It would be best if I had my own office.  I like the one at the end with the big window.  I know that is your office.  But I've noticed you do not eat cheese and crackers or any other annoying things, so perhaps a different arrangement would work better for everyone involved.

In the spirit of proactiveness,
Chicken


Dear Prince:

That symbol idea was really stupid.  Seriously, a symbol that has no pronunciation for a name?  What the hell were you thinking?

In disbelief,
Chicken


Dear BigB:

I know it looks as though I haven't done a thing all day.  The house is a mess, there's no dinner on the table, and there's a cheese rind and sleeve of crackers in the living room where we mutually agreed I would never eat again.  What you don't realize is that I had to spend the day hunkering down on the couch because the census workers were all out in the neighborhood and if I had been up and moving around working and stuff, they totally would have seen me and been all up in my grill about how you haven't sent in the census survey yet. 

Irresponsibly yours,
Chicken

Dear Mark Knopfler,

I'm coming to see you play and I am a big, big fan.  Did you know I also play the guitar?  I would be happy to do a number with you if you think it would be entertaining to your audience. Here's my cell number (401) 555-1234.  Text me. 

XO
Chicken

Dear Professor D:

Thank you for teaching me that the possessive form of it has no apostrophe.  You did me a solid. 
Chicken

Dear Emily Dickinson:

Hello.  I am finally getting back to you.  I hope you are doing well and are getting out once in awhile. 
Love,
The World

Dear Littleb,

I think you are a very smart and progressive little boy to want to pee standing up, like the big boys.  Just remember when you do it that you have to AIM littleb.  Because Golden Showers are not things that nice little boys give. 
Love,
Momma

Dear R,

When I said, "Do you want to spend the day together on Thursday" and you said "Yes" and I said, "OK, I'll call you", I meant this Thursday, as in today, as in why aren't you home?  Not some arbitrary, vague Thursday in the distant future when the planets that occupy your universe might be in alignment. Lunch tomorrow?
Love,
Mom


Dear Mom,

Remember that time when I was 17 and there was that funny looking plant on my window sill and you asked me if it was marijuana and I said I didn't know?  That someone had given me the seeds and I just planted them to see what would grow?  You were totally right not to fall for that.  I see now how unconvincing that story was.  It is just as unconvincing as Teenager Who Lives in the Basements explanation of why he can never make it home on time for dinner.  I just don't really think there is a dead zone at his friend C's house that makes his phone shut off and that they do not have clocks anywhere in their house.  This seems far fetched, does it not?  I thought you might enjoy knowing that all my duplicitous teenage actions have come home to roost.  But that curse you placed on me (I hope someday you have children JUST like you) really turned out to be a kicker.  Is there anything you can do about that, by the way?  Is there an expiration date for that curse?  Is it recyclable?  Just wondering.

Love,
Chicken

19 comments:

  1. OH my gawd. ROFL You're killing me. These are great!

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  2. Loved your letters! I am sure you will get many responses--well, I wouldn't count on one from Emily Dickinson. She's a little busy being a recluse (and dead).

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  3. dear chicken

    you are a bit twisted. I like that in a chicken.
    I also have a rather unconvincing teenager.

    reclamation mama

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  4. Just pissing myself laughing here ...My fave was the letter to the soap people...and Colonel Sanders and the letter to your Mum.

    Oh who am I kidding? Each and every one was a complete laugh riot.

    funny Chicken.

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  5. Thanks Red!
    BB-Hopefully, wherever Emily is now, it is a better less morose place and mail still gets delivered. Thanks.
    Reclamation Mama-Twisted chicken beats fried chicken any day of the week, right? Thank you for reading and good luck with your teenager
    CB-I would just like to note that sometimes I exaggerate for the sake of humor. We totally sent in our census weeks ago. There was someone knocking on my door like three different times today but I'm not sure who it was because I really am not that curious about anyone who knocks on the front door. Unless they are three feet tall and wearing a green dress with badges cause those chicks usually have cookies. Those chicks totally rock.

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  6. Mrs. P Seriously, I do wonder that about the soap. Don't you? There are other things, too but I couldn't think of them yesterday. I'll have to do a follow up.

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  7. Dear Chick;
    Thank you for your congenial "library week" wishes. It will pain you to know that I did not score even the tiniest bit of swag. Not even a keychain. In fact, I hadn't even thought about it until you brought it up, but you are actually the only one who even wished me a Happy Library Worker's week. And now I'm a little peeved about it. So hey, all you library Mofos who came to my Reference Desk this week - yes YOU, student who needed a primary source for your obscure-ass topic for a paper due TOMORROW, and you, Mr. I-can't-get-my-taxform-to-print-AAIIYEEEE-I-am-launching-into-panic-mode-and-I-will-take-you-all-with-me, or even YOU, cute little-white-Rasta-Boy who I let borrow MY pen because I liked your dreads. (But, seriously, dude, WTF? You're in college. Buy a pen.)
    So I'm putting you all on notice. Next year, if you want information, you better wish me a Happy Library Worker's week first, or I will go all Library Ninja on you and nunchuck your ass with the nearest copy of The Oxford Dictionary, and then bury your still twitching carcass under 314 volumes of Contemporary Literary Criticism.
    Thank you, and have a nice day.
    Sincerely,
    Ms. Information
    (aka GG)

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  8. Dear Chicken,
    You may indeed be a be a thing with feathers, but that doesn't make you "Hope". Please stop trying to perch in my soul. It is most disconcerting.
    Yours most sincerely,
    Emily Dickinson

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  9. Dear GG-nice letter...thanks for keeping in the spirit of the Post.

    Emily: 1.) Hope floats, Chickens don't,as has been proven multiple times over the last month. 2.) beginning to see why you died alone and friendless and why the World didn't write back. You are kind of a bitch. Have a nice day.

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  10. Dear Chicken,

    It is entirely your fault that I spat my vodka out all over my pc.

    You are, of course, forgiven...

    Love

    4D x

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  11. sorry about the Voddy Dinners. I know you don't like to waste it. Hope you and the PC recover:-)

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  12. Hi Chicken! I'm back from vacay and ignoring everything in my world to catch up with my folks.

    Hysterical letters! And you know, I'm grossed out about soap myself. Anytime I have a houseguest I make sure they get a wrapped bar of soap.

    And OMGoodness, Prince such a freak, but a brilliant one.

    I'm going to have to make it short today, because I've got major catching up to do and now I think I'm going to help myself to a little cheese and crackers.

    I'll be seeing you soon.

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  13. Lovin the letter to Sanders. I don't eat any kind of chicken and I so agree with ya.
    Mom's are very wise :-) why as kids can't we just trust em?

    Loved the post! I needed a good laugh :-) Have a great evening

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  14. I would spend way more time in my library if those gals rocked your proposed tees. Then I'd hide all of Emily's books in the computer programming section.

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  15. Joann-yay-it's so nice to have you back in blogland. We missed you!

    Scrappy Doo-I hope your friend is okay. I was sorry to read about him. Hope you are okay. Thanks for coming by.

    Elly Lou. I like it. I like it a lot! I'll help you. Then we'll have margaritas and propose additional letters to the world (except we won't send them to Em. She's out)

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  16. you make me laugh out loud!

    and I have not sent back my census either....we are such rebels.
    Bry

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  17. OMG that was fun! One tip: Never put a mirror OUTSIDE. We got this free funky mirror and we put it outside by our back door. I honestly do not know where these lines on my face came from. Holy crap! Natural light sucks.

    Also, I live 20 minutes away from Prince and his symbol is on top of his HOUSE!!

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  18. Oh Bry, better send it back. It is not worth the repercussions.

    GND-Oh, yeah, I learned that lesson the hard way for sure. No WAY, you live 20 minutes from his symbolism? Do you run into him at the grocery store (oh wait, he doesn't really eat, I'll bet, right?) How about the salon? Do you run into him there? You know, it would warm my heart to hear that although he is super weird on television, that he is totally normal and funny in real life and wears jeans and flannel shirts. But I'll bet that's not true, based on your house story.

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