Wednesday, April 6, 2011

In Which Chicken Re-posts an Old Post for the First Time Ever and Begs Your Forgiveness....Except, Hey, Maybe You Never Read This Post Before in Which Case, We're Good, Right?

Hi World,

You know me, right?  You know me.  I'm here for 10 posts a month, I'm gone for a month, I'm as ADD as they come.  I have tried to be consistent this past year in keeping with my New Year's resolution of posting at least once a week, but this week?  Multiple events at work have me stymied.  I've got nothing!  And very little time to expand on it, so, for the first time ever, I am reposting.  If I were smart, I'd probably repost the Danny DeVito (Devito?) post, which seems to be the big winner in the chicken neighborhood, but although I still contend that Danny is as sweet and naughty as an oreo, I'm going with this one.  That's just the way I roll (tonight). 

So without further histrionics, I bring you:  Chicken Mail

I've been thinking how rare it is to get an actual letter in the mail. Now that we have the internet and facebook, no one writes letters anymore, and that's too bad.

I've decided to spend my last couple days of vacation dropping some notes to some deserving individuals. 

Dear Ivory Soap:

Can soap get dirty? Like if you are in a public shower at the gym, and you drop your washcloth on the floor obviously you are not going to pick it up and wash your face with it because, gross, cooties from the 37 people who showered before you are obviously all OVER that cloth, but if you drop the soap is it the same thing? Or should you just rinse it off and consider it clean again? I really need to know this.

Yours in Cleanliness,


Dear God:

Thank you for weakening my eyesight so that I can no longer see the deep wrinkles developing around my eyes and nose. You are a wise and benevolent God.

In piety,


Dear Colonel Saunders:

I am writing to let you know that I have almost mentally recovered from the trauma of nearly being coated in 11 secret spices and deep fried back in 1986. You really are a sick bastard, you know that? And your friend, Purdue, also. Hell is reserving a special spot for the likes of you two sickos.

Revenge will be mine,


Dear GG,

Happy Library Workers week. I hope they did something special for you like give you a t-shirt or a coffee mug or something. I think a t-shirt that says "Librarians do it Quietly" would be very becoming.


Dear New Boss:

One thing that you do not yet know about me is that I eat cheese and crackers every single day while sitting at my desk and it is seriously annoying to anyone sitting within 10 yards of me. It would be best if I had my own office. I like the one at the end with the big window. I know that is your office. But I've noticed you do not eat cheese and crackers or any other annoying things, so perhaps a different arrangement would work better for everyone involved.

In the spirit of proactiveness,


Dear Prince:

That symbol idea was really stupid. Seriously, a symbol that has no pronunciation for a name? What the hell were you thinking?

In disbelief,


Dear BigB:

I know it looks as though I haven't done a thing all day. The house is a mess, there's no dinner on the table, and there's a cheese rind and sleeve of crackers in the living room where we mutually agreed I would never eat again. What you don't realize is that I had to spend the day hunkering down on the couch because the census workers were all out in the neighborhood and if I had been up and moving around working and stuff, they totally would have seen me and been all up in my grill about how you haven't sent in the census survey yet.

Irresponsibly yours,


Dear Mark Knopfler,

I'm coming to see you play and I am a big, big fan. Did you know I also play the guitar? I would be happy to do a number with you if you think it would be entertaining to your audience. Here's my cell number (401) 555-1234. Text me.



Dear  Professor D:

Thank you for teaching me that the possessive form of it has no apostrophe. You did me a solid.


Dear Emily Dickinson:
Hello. I am finally getting back to you. I hope you are doing well and are getting out once in awhile.


The World

Dear Littleb,

I think you are a very smart and progressive little boy to want to pee standing up, like the big boys. Just remember when you do it that you have to AIM littleb. Because Golden Showers are not things that nice little boys give.



Dear R,

When I said, "Do you want to spend the day together on Thursday" and you said "Yes" and I said, "OK, I'll call you", I meant this Thursday, as in today, as in why aren't you home? Not some arbitrary, vague Thursday in the distant future when the planets that occupy your universe might be in alignment. Lunch tomorrow?



Dear Mom,

Remember that time when I was 17 and there was that funny looking plant on my window sill and you asked me if it was marijuana and I said I didn't know? That someone had given me the seeds and I just planted them to see what would grow? You were totally right not to fall for that. I see now how unconvincing that story was. It is just as unconvincing as Teenager Who Lives in the Basements explanation of why he can never make it home on time for dinner. I just don't really think there is a dead zone at his friend C's house that makes his phone shut off and that they do not have clocks anywhere in their house. This seems far fetched, does it not? I thought you might enjoy knowing that all my duplicitous teenage actions have come home to roost. But that curse you placed on me (I hope someday you have children JUST like you) really turned out to be a kicker. Is there anything you can do about that, by the way? Is there an expiration date for that curse? Is it recyclable? Just wondering.


Hope you enjoyed my first ever repost.  And here's a nice photo of Danny Devito, just for being a good sport

Naughty AND Delicious


  1. LO


    Love it, love it, love it.

    Love you!


  2. CB...Hey I miss you! What is going on?

  3. Clearly, I had fallen under something heavy during the entire month of March. But no worries, I have crawled out and logged on again.


  4. Hooray! Chicken is back! Even if it IS a recycled post...

  5. CB-I'm glad you are a good crawler and I'm sorry for that heavy load. Hope you've ditched it for good and welcome. Welcome. Here is your golden ticket (except not really, you know that right? Next week you'll be hauling me out from under some God awful deconstruction

    Stolen Sentiments-sure do love to see your comments ups there again. Missed you, friend. I mean Esq. CPA. friend:-)

  6. Other than the painful reminder that Library Worker Week came and went without a single T-shirt or mug coming my way, I enjoyed this as much as the first time. Besides, re-using is hip, chick.
    And I'm all about the Green.

  7. I especially loved your letter to God. <3

  8. I wish I was as funny as you.

    I love this [re]post, which I have actually done a couple of times now, because I am feeling your inability to get shit done ALL THE TIME.

    Anyway, I'm glad I got to read your letters. We should write each other, because I love getting and sending mail.



  9. Dude, this is so freakin' funny. The librarians doing it quietly? Emily Dickinson? All of them, really. You need to start a t-shirt company. These would work well.

    Happy weekend, Chicken!

  10. That prince letter? Needs to also be sent to Ke$ha.

    Just my thought.

  11. Awesome post!
    Ivory soap reminds me of my grandmother!!

  12. Aw GG you've been robbed once again. What we need is a national holiday. If people got time off on Nat'l library Worker's week, maybe they would have more time to be appreciative. But not to visit the library because, well, if you had to work that day, that would just defeat the purpose.

    Ashes-all my letters to God are pretty funny. I can only hope that she gets as much of a kick out of them as I do

    Hi Tarja-how is the wedding planning coming along? I hear that Kate is on some kind of special UK diet, but I can't remember the name of it. I'm thinking Orphans and Pink Floyd diet, but I don't think that is it.

    Suniverse: Aw shucks. You know, don't you, that other people always seem funnier. That's what is so great about humanity.

    Haven: haha, I am on it$$

    Hi Missy-Ivory soap reminds me of swimming in the lake as a kid, which doubled as bathing. The Ivory was the favored soap because it floated.

  13. i'm all over the cheese and crackers thing. smart, very smart.

  14. I loved it except for when it took me a while to get the Colonel Sanders one (oh right - a chicken) which made me feel kind of dumb, and I'm really insecure about my intelligence lately. Sob.

  15. It was great to identify some points of common views with most of humanity like when Prince came up with the weirdo idea of the symbol which only set him back publicity wise.
    And I hope you manage to create more echo with the snail mail idea. One of my proposed restart the economy ideas,( since apparently the people that should attend that seem to have frozen in place),was to promote the idea of people going ape mailing letters and gifts to flood the post office and create new jobs.
    Also one should help to save the bees from extinction from the big monopolies that are trying to eliminate them and produce their own patented genetically engineered insect.
    We can all protect God's original bee by setting up small honey production efforts all over the world. And it's extremely productive.
    That's why the bad guy wants the whole pie.
    I posted a piece on this at
    titled SIMBIOSIS.
    Also google Bees and Honey.

  16. Punker-I know! Is anything better than cheese and crackers?!

    Bibliomama-it is not you it is menopause. Well, maybe not in your case because maybe you are young, but that is what I tell myself. Because I am not (and that makes me feel really insecure:-)

    Carlos-you are a genius!!!! Flood the mail to give postal workers more jobs. That is great. Except, I would move that we screen them a little better. And who doesn't need more honey? NOone.

  17. Dear Chicken,

    I have decided to forgive you for not coming by my place yet - and for making me find you through your comment on someone else's blog whose name I now cannot even remember now because of the sheer brilliance of this post, not because they are not awesome, because of COURSE they are awesome if I'M commenting on their blog - but only if you promise to come to London immediately so that we may have a cocktail and you can make me giggle some more.

    I mean that in a non sexual way of course.


    And yes, you may bring Pearl because she sounds fun, but please do warn her that I will not introduce her to any Spaniards as this may frighten them and then where's the fun in it for me?

    Yours in love and indignation,

    - B x

  18. Dear Chicken, I have no problem with repost of such high quality. But please next time leave the Danny Devito picture in your Playgirl mag that you hide in between your mattresses.


  19. Chicken, you are so crazy.

    I think you should take your Open Letter genius and craft a doozy for McSweeney's "An Open Letter To".

    You would rock that shit.

  20. Hi AoA-I love me some Danny. Even his name is cute.

    Empress: I probably am crazy. I'm going to have to google McSweeny's though and then I will rock it:-)


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