Weird Science: Meat Cubes

Hi World:

Remember when you were a kid and you first heard Green Eggs and Ham? Maybe, like me, you thought to yourself,  "I don't care if my parents make me sit at the table for a year, there's no way I'll ever eat green eggs!"

Well, move over green eggs, and make room for meat cubes.  You heard me.  As in a cube shaped object purported to be meat.  And that's not even the worst thing.

The worst thing is that the meat cubes are not real meat.  Well, duh, right?  Meat doesn't usually arrive cube-shaped..

Meat cubes are grown from a sample of animal cells using an "animal free growth serum".  Then the cells are printed onto sheets that are layered to create cubes, which are then  ground up with flavors and added nutrients and formed into meat....things....

Arrggghhh it's alive........IT'S ALIVE....

They call this  product "cultured meat" or "lab-grown" meat.  Makes you want pull a chair up to the table, doesn't it?

"Yeah,  hi.....Tell you what,  gimme a slab 'a that lab grown meat?  Steak flavored? With a loaded baked tater and a side 'a green beans. And the little lady here'll have the same thing, only with the chicken flavored meat. Now them green beans-they  locally grown?"

To be fair, this technology prevents the slaughter of animals, uses far less energy than standard farming, and emits fewer greenhouse gases.

FDA, if you are listening, the Chicken family has a few questions we'd like answered before we buy in:

• Are you testing meat cubes on animals?
• Can I buy organic, grain fed meat cubes at Whole Foods and grind them into fun meat shapes?
• Do meat cubes hold up well in crock pots?
• What would a tenderloin roast meat cube cost me?
• Are meat cubes anything like Willy Wonka's special gum?
• Where can I buy meat cubes in bulk?
• Does John Stamos eat meat cubes?
• Will you be providing a pamphlet of meat cube recipes incorporating cream of mushroom soup?
• Can I buy a kit at the Hobby Shop and produce my own meat cubes?
• If I can buy a kit, will I need a dark room?
• If I do grow meat cubes in my dark room, can I open the darkroom door and shout, "It grows the meat.  It grows the meat or it gets the hose again."?  Or would that be considered cruelty to animals?
• Are these meat cubes American made?
• Will Ikea sell Swedish Meatcubes?
• Is it possible to roll the meat cubes out into long strips resembling bacon or is that meat cube 2.0?
• Can you make a meat dress out of meat cubes?
• What wines pair well with meat cubes?

I read about meat cubes in a vegetarian magazine. The diagrams were particularly enlightening.  I see what you did there, vegetarians.  Well played.  

What green eggs and ham  might look like if they were made out of meat cubes

Chicken out