Friday, August 23, 2013

Interview with a Designer

Hi World,

It's  Friday.  Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch Friday,  to be exact.

I'm here today with Naomi Baloney,  independent  fashion designer, and former stylist for the Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Naomi recently produced the world's first line of clothing constructed entirely from table scraps.  After last week's runway show, Naomi's work is being described in high fashion circles as ground-breaking, ingenious and avante-garde.  And now she's here to tell us all about her amazing journey from Stylist to the Clowns to Runway Designer.  Naomi?

"Thanks Chicken.  I'm so happy to be here to share my love of fashion, and my exciting new line, with your readers. As you said, my clothes are made from 100% recycled  food scraps.  The crust you throw away today may be the sweater you wear tomorrow."

"That is really just so resourceful, Naomi.  How did you ever come up with the idea for this line?"

"That's a great question!  As a stylist with the circus, there's a lot of downtime. Clowns will wear anything!  I spent a lot of time with the animals. The elephants' quarters always had peanut shells scattered all over the place and one day I just looked at them and had an epitome, you know?  I noticed that the shape of the shell resembles a strapless bikini top and I thought, wouldn't it be ironic to make a bikini out of peanut shells?  So that was the start of the whole thing."



"I think you meant you had an 'epiphany'"

"What?.....epipha what?  No, they didn't have any baby elephants,  these were all full-grown elephants." (bright smile)

"Pardon,  my mistake" (looks down into coffee-cup, tries to suppress smirk).  "Naomi, I'm  sure my readers are dying to know,  how do you keep the clothes from smelling like, well, rotting food?"

"We treat the table scraps first with a special formula, which breaks them down into fibers and removes the smell.  Then the fabric is woven and dyed, all before the garment is constructed.  For instance, the first piece in the line, the bandeau bikini, is made entirely from peanuts, but it doesn't  look like peanuts anymore, does it Chicken"

"Amazing!  How many peanuts does it take to make one  bathing suit?"

"We use just the shells, but it takes a lot.  About 500 lbs of peanut shells go into every suit"

"That's a lot of peanuts, Naomi! Where do you get that many peanut shells?"

"We source them from places like 5 Guys Burgers and Texas Road House, and of course the circus. They've been  very generous."

"Aren't you afraid that fish might be attracted to the bikini and try to eat it?"

"Don't be silly,  Chicken, fish don't eat peanuts.   That's why we made the peanuts into bathing suits and not safari gear. There's virtually no risk."

"To clarify, are you saying you shouldn't wear the bathing suit around animals you might see on a safari? Like...say....elephants?"

"Well that's just stupid, Chicken.  Why would anyone wear a bathing suit on a safari?"

"Can you answer the question,  Miss Baloney?  Are these bathing suits, in fact, unsafe for wear around elephants"

"Yes.  Yes, ok?  They shouldn't be worn around elephants.  It says that right on the label.  But that would be stupid and no one would do that."  (rolls eyes dramatically.  False eyelash falls loose, lands in Chicken's coffee.  Chicken drinks coffee black, thus drinks eyelash.  Recycled eyelash.)

"No you're right, I'm sure nobody has ever worn a bathing suit on safari or to the zoo or the circus or anywhere around any elephants.  But why don't we move on. Tell us about some of the other materials you use."

"OK sure! Here we have a lovely summer dress made from eggplant and green bean scraps. The color combination is striking, isn't it?  And over here we have a sweater made from left over mashed potatoes.   It's warmer than cashmere and so soft!  You  could pair it with that moto jacket over there, made entirely of baked potato skins-looks like leather, right? Oh, and this is fun!  This red carpet gown is hand stitched with 3 million individual pieces of Near East rice pilaf on a base of steamed tomato skins.  Isn't it amaze? "

"Amazing.  It's amazing"

"Rachel Zoe says 'Amaze' and so do I.  That's the way designers talk."

"Cray cray"

"I know, right?   Look, this scarf is made from leftover vegetarian lasagna.  Perfect for fall layering"

"That brings up an interesting question, are there any leftovers you won't recycle into clothing, Naomi?."

"We don't use any meat products.  We're vegan.  If it has a face, we don't make clothes out of it. That would be cruel.  We do, however, use meat cubes in the construction of some products, namely outerwear and boots."

"Naomi, it has been truly interesting.  We are almost out of time, but we do have one more question from a reader.  Pearl from Minnesota is on the line and she'd like to know if you make lederhosen from leftover Catnip?"

"Hi  Pearl. We don't currently make catnip lederhosen, but we do take on special assignments.  Ask Chicken  for my contact information after the show and we'll talk."

"Thank you, Naomi.  You're amaze.  Literally.  And there you  have it, folks, the first ever line of clothing constructed from recycled food scraps. It's Table to Closet styling, the latest fashion trend."

Don't wear this around elephants.  Or elephant seals.

Chicken  out


  1. Holy cow. :-) Of COURSE you wouldn't wear the peanut shell bathing suit around an elephant. "It says that right on the label."

    I LOLed. A real LOL.

    Table to Closet styling. Oh, my. How I loved this.


  2. Thanks Pearl:-). good luck with the lederhosen. a hipster in catnip lederhosen would be a great Christmas for your cats. I bet the resulting poetry would be amaze.

  3. Loved your report on evolution of fashion.
    Your designer is on the right track to produce clothing that once worn out can be cooked, baked or boiled to feed humanity.


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