Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Devious Marketing Strategies of the AARP

Hi World,

Did you know that John Stamos recently turned 50?  He did.  I found out from the AARP.

I also just turned 50 but the AARP didn't make a big deal. They sent me more crap in the mail.  I feel a bit overlooked but I'm working through it.

I've been receiving AARP membership solicitations for years now.  I think this is a deliberate marketing strategy. You turn 40, you get a little package in the mail with a birthday card and special membership offer. You're a little in shock, at first, but you make a lame joke  about it.  "Oh, I'm 40,  guess it's time to join the AARP and go on a bus tour. I hope I get to sit next to Betty White."


By the time  you reach 45, it's not really funny anymore.  You start to get a little indignant.  You might even overreact with a bonfire in your back yard fueled by all the crap AARP sends you.  Well, some people might. Some possibly peri-menopausal people. Or chickens.

They keep sending stuff, you keep throwing it away, they just keep sending it. By the time you turn 50, you're just worn down.  You're not even surprised or offended anymore.  You are completely the AARP's connection to the elderly.

That's when they start reeling you in.  They've been grooming you for ten years and now it's pay day.

Because sooner or later it happens. You get curious about something, maybe retirement age, maybe a photo of John Stamos you saw on Facebook.  Whatever it is, you know AARP will have the goods, so you go on their website. Harmless, right?  You might as well write a check and kiss your youth good-bye because the Fat Lady just belted out her theme song and dedicated it to you.

Six hours later, you're still on the website.  Not only have you signed on for a lifetime membership, you've read an article about Bill Clinton being a vegan and an excerpt from Stephen King's new book. You've joined an online chat group facilitated by Dr. Phil AND Dr. Oz, entered a contest to win a date with Mick Jagger, signed up for a free yoga class, and bought a bloody RV.

Welcome to your golden years.

Happy Birthday John  Stamos. You are still crush worthy.
"Chicken?  Chicken!  Hurry up, Dear, the bus is leaving!"

"I'm coming Betty.  Don't get your panties in a twist. Did you bring the sunblock?"

Chicken out


  1. Is it Chunk Bus Tours? I've been travelling with them for years. ;)

  2. It is, actually, but the special AARP Silver Edition tour series. You have to be a member. Are you a member? You, me AND Betty will have a blast. We'll put meat cubes in Bill Clinton's omelet. Tell him it's tofu.

  3. You nailed it Chicken.Unfortunately when J turned 60 one of my aunts had prepped me up telling me it was a good way of getting lots of discounts and savings. And with my better judgement thwarted I paid up for a couple of years.
    Back to my senses, their mailings are now for writing notes, for shredding later.
    As you get older you get hounded by everyone that sells caskets, funerals,bathtubs, wheelchairs and whatnot, until they all finally do kill you.

  4. But maybe John Stamos will be on the bus! And if we're really lucky we might get to see Huey. He'll serenade us under a moonlit sky, at one of the many bathroom break stops.

  5. Hi Carlos-Whoa...the AARP has groomers? They are slick! I kind of like the website, though. Obviously. When you compare it to casket, funeral, and accessibility solicitations, the AARP seems downright cheerful. At least it's about living.

    Syd-it is all John Stamos's fault I was on that website. I'm not very happy with him right now. But I will get over it if he sits beside me on the bus.


Say something. You know you want to.