Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I feel bad about my eyebrows...

Nora Ephron wrote a best-selling book about her neck. My insecurities lie elsewhere.  Let me tell you about my eyebrows.  The modern face is all about the eyebrows, isn't it?  Everywhere I turn, people are talking about a strong brow and how the brows frame the face.  Waxing and threading salons have popped up everywhere.  Even men get their eyebrows groomed these days.  Can I just interject one tiny observation?

It's hair, People.  It's hair on your face, over your eyes, like two wriggly caterpillars.  Must we give them so much distinction?

You think I'm jealous?  That I covet a strong, face-framing brow?  Yes, I admit it, I feel bad about my eyebrows.  For one thing, I barely have any.  There's definitely no face-framing going on.  The sardonic arching of the brow is a non-verbal expression I'll never display.   A display, I might add, that captures the inner workings of my psyche perfectly.  If I could raise my eyebrow sardonically,  I would be 62% more successful by my own estimations that I just made up.  Or less.  I'm not really sure how that might turn out.  I can see where raising a sardonic eyebrow might sometimes land one in hot water with one's boss, colleagues and/or husband.  Still, I am confident I would enjoy expressing myself with just the arch of a glossy, groomed eyebrow.

I stare at my brows in the mirror and I wonder....what the hell am I supposed to do with these things?  I've tried brow powder and pencils, I've bought kits and practiced, I've watched you tube videos, and still I seem to wind up with nothing more than thin wayward hairs waving against a background of muddy brown shadow.  Mocking me.

I used to have normal eyebrows  but I shaved them off.

It was the seventies.   Thin brows were de rigueur.  Cheryl Tiegs smiled down from my brother's wall with her naturally thin brows and tiny bikini, daring me to do something about the twin beards obscuring my vision.  First, I tried plucking them.   Turns out that ripping hair from your head hurts rather a lot, so I found an easier way.  I shaved them into shape.  Truth be told, I thought I might be a genius when I thought of that idea.  I've always heard that if you shave hair, it grows back  thicker and darker, which would have set me up beautifully for the thick untamed brow of the eighties.  Not so in my case.  My eyebrow hair hopped on the cosmic  highway and must have hitchhiked to somewhere it felt more welcome.  Possibly Brooke Shield's house.  The end of my sad story is that eventually most of my brows disappeared and I have no earthly idea of what to do with the remains.

Someone needs to bring the seventies back.  Who's in?

Chicken out

Nice brows, Cheryl, very nice




18 comments:

  1. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those eyebrows are hitchhiking to your chin; any year now they will reach it and you will have something new to curse/write about. Well, at least that's what mine did. Sigh. I'll return to the 70s with you, gladly. If I only knew then that I'd be saying that now, I would have enjoyed them more!

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    1. Jenny-o say it ain't so! We need that hot tub time machine thing. We'll go back to the seventies and I'll take better care of my brows and we'll have all our hair follicles removed from our chins. It'll be like a spa day.

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  2. Eh, I feel a bit out of line, commenting here, but here's my 69 year old male take on it: my haircutter, to whom I go every 2-3 months, depending on whim, looks at mine......"um, want me to trim them things?"

    On your previous post regarding children's books, I'd like to add a book to everyone's potential list: Ken Kesey's "Little Tricker the Squirril Meets Big Double the Bear". The illustrated book is best, when you read it to kids use a redneck accent for Big Double.

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    1. geez, put an 'e' inead of 'i' in Squirrel

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  3. My dearly departed friend Dirty Dan could say more with one raised eyebrow than most of his friends could with a mountain of words.
    Another friend with Mongolian blood claimed that people didn't trust him because of his eyebrows, but I always thought it was because he was kind of an asshole.
    Once, in high school, I burned mine off in a welding accident. My friends seemed much more interested in how funny I looked than how close I'd come to burning my eyeballs out.

    -Doug in Oakland

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    1. His friends must miss that look:-) What was wrong with your Mongolian friend's eye brows? Aren't Mongolian's known for being quite hairy? And, yes, history also does portray them at times as assholes but I try hard not to profile based on hearsay. Then again, I trust you, Doug, so I'm going to have to go with A for asshole, in this case. My teenager did the same thing except he wasn't welding. He was out in the woods exploding things in barrels with his stupid friends. And, in a classic Wiley E. Coyote move, when the expected explosion didn't happen, he ventured a little closer to take a look. You can guess what happened next. And yes, the first thing I did, after I was sure he was not blind, relatively unharmed, and also after I called him for the bloody fool he was, is laugh at his lack of eyebrows.

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  4. Oh, Chicken. How I love you.

    And keep your hands off my eyebrows. :-) My mother warned me early on about over-plucking/waxing, and unbelievably, I listened.

    I still can't believe I listened.

    Eyebrowly Yours,

    Pearl

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  5. p.s. Am adding you to my blog roll. I've tried several times this morning, but sometimes, for reasons unknown to me, it doesn't work. I've copied your address and will try throughout the day. Love your writing!

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    1. WTH Pearl. What is wrong with this old blog? I'm going to have to trade it in for a new model.

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  6. I'm able to get into your blog again!!! Whoohooo!!! Earlier it told me I didn't have access, so I'm glad to be part of the in crowd again. And one time before I retired we had a couple of 8th graders who shaved part of their eyebrows because they thought it was part of a gang culture they followed. Our dean of discipline told them if they wanted to stay at school they had to have eyebrows, and he could draw them in some or they could be suspended. They consented and he took a Sharpie and drew in some eyebrows for them, unintentionally making these wannabe gang bangers into Groucho Marx caricatures.

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    1. Hi Shelly-you couldn't get onto my blog? Seriously? I'm so sorry, I didn't know. There is no secret membership here. Something is very wrong. I like your dean's sense of humor.

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  7. Cheryl's eyebrows are the LAST thing I notice in that picture, you know.

    So I feel you. As a fair-tinted thing, I have little of note in the eyebrow region, Perhaps my only claim to brow-y-ness is that I NEVER SHAVED THEM.

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    1. Jocelyn, you were wise beyond your years even then. I know, Cheryl got the whole package, the brows, the hair.....

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  8. I wispy blondish eyebrows so I feel your pain. In high school I would draw hem on and color in the outline. I actually have a photo of me with the sardonic arch you describe. I look pretty bad ass. These days I use the brush on stuff, but I rarely bother unless I'm going someplace where clean clothes will be required. ;)

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    1. That's what I want, Jayne. I want to look badass, but I don't want a tattoo, so I thought, maybe if I had good eyebrows.....I suppose I could get tattoos of eyebrows....that would look pretty badass. And deranged. Not really the kind of badass I was going for...

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  9. I have next to nothing eyebrows also. I never have any idea what to do with them.. so I don't. Now, I'm ultra aware of them. Thanks a LOT, Chicken! ;)

    Nah, I still don't care much. But you did make me laugh. Thanks for that.

    I also had been having trouble accessing your blog over the past while. I thought maybe you had made it private. Glad to see that you're still available to the world at large.

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  10. Hi HIlary, no, noooo, nothing was made private. I was moving around some gadgets and I accidentally removed something I guess I shouldn't have. I didn't realize it at first. Then I thought I fixed the problem, but apparently some are still having challenges adding me to their blog roll. I'm working on it. Thanks for visiting.

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