Monday, September 13, 2010

An Apple, a Thief, and Two Writers

Hi World:

I had a dream last night.  More of a nightmare, really.  Let's play a game.  You in? 

I will bet that with just a few random clues you can guess what I dreamed about and who the villain was.  Ready?  Okay, here are your clues:

iWallStreet
iWalmart
iToyota
iPresident
iNBC
iNPR
iPBS
iHarvard
iDisney
iStork






iGet it?


and then...
TO THE BABY RUBBER BAND BALL THIEF (BRBB):

Dear Person Who STOLE My Baby Rubber Band Ball:

While this might not seem like a big deal to you, you should know that I worked hard to get that Baby Rubber Band Ball started, and I had great hopes for its future girth.  The BRBB and I were going to be featured in many publications including, but not limited to, the National Enquirer, Ripley's Believe It or Not, and that book about inane world records that nobody over the age of 12 would ever buy, but still, we wanted to be in there. 

Why do you want my BRBB, anyway?  Do you plan to disband it?  Did you need it for some industrial purpose, such as binding your mail or making a ponytail?  I would gladly have offered you an alternative, such as a very nice hair band , which is much healthier for your hair, or a binder clip for your mail, which would have been a more professional looking option.  Had you only asked.

I hope that you do not intend to profit from my BRBB in some manner.  Please tell me that you are not planning to sell it on E-Bay.  Please don't be so heinous a person as to steal another person's BRBB in order to pit it against other rubber band balls in a fight to the death.  It is just a baby and small for its age.

What would you say if I told you that there is a micro-chip implanted into that BRBB.  And that I am tracking you; that even now, I am watching you. Sadly, this is not true.  But what if it were?  You would not be so smug then, would you?

I will find you BRBB thief, and do not even think about crossing state lines.  I've already called in a Rubber Alert. 




Have you seen this Baby Rubber Band Ball?  Please call Chicken. 
Justice will be mine.




and then....
LIZ SMITH:

Do you know of Liz Smith?  The 'Grande Dame of the Dish'?  She is the famous gossip columnist who, for many decades, has provided the dirt on the rich and famous.  Her autobiography was published in 2000.  I'm reading it and enjoying it very much, although I haven't gotten to the really juicy parts yet-who slept with who, or who was nasty (or nice) behind closed doors.  I did learn that Kirk Douglas was originally named Issur Danielovitch.  This made me think that his children are probably very grateful that he became Kirk Douglas.  Can you imagine Catherine Zeta Jones married to Michael Danielovitch?  Then again.  Zeta?  But I digress.  What I meant to say is that I am reading a great book called "Natural Blonde" by Liz Smith, who is well into her 80's by now, and boy she has some great stories to tell. 


I wasn't even sure if she was still alive.  Naturally, I googled it.  I typed in "Is Liz Smith still alive" and learned that someone else had already googled, "Is Liz Smith dead".  I like to think of the glass as half full, unlike some other Debbie Downer Googlers.  Anyway.  Then I found out there was also an actress named Liz Smith, so I had to go back and google, "Is Liz Smith THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST still alive.  Like the capital letters would help.  I'm happy to report that it appears Liz Smith THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST is still alive and still working.  In fact, after seeing this photo of her, I'm pretty sure she is going to outlive me.

(respectfully borrowed from Chron.com)

This is very good news because I may want to write her a fan letter when I am finished with her book.  This time, it will not be after several glasses of wine like when I wrote Stephen King recently.  If his next book is about a famous author from Maine and involves a shady (but disarming) character who sends self-important emails to the main character about being from Maine, and knowing everything about the part of Maine, where "Under the Dome" took place, and congratulating him on getting the details right, and if words are spelled wrong, there are multiple exclamation points, and the salutation starts with Yo, Dude, I will know that Mr. King did indeed receive my letter!!!  I hope he also enjoyed the youtube link I sent of my favorite song.  It would have been nice if he had written back personally, but whatever.  If he wants to make it up to me, he can cast me in his next movie. I just do not want to have to break anyone's ankles with a sledgehammer.  I like to maintain that I am not crazy or violent, since I very much enjoy writing letters to people I do not really know and do not want things like restraining orders harshing my mellow.  Mr. King, Dude, if you are reading this and you like what you read, call me.  We can flesh out my character a bit more.  And I can give you some more tips about rural Maine.   People there do not wear house dresses as often as you think.

I have spent the better part of the evening writing this ridiculous post and googling stupid things.  Could this be what BigB means when infers that I am shallow?

I prefer disarming.

I'll bet nobody calls Liz Smith shallow.  If you would like to join me in writing (sober) emails to Liz Smith, you can read her column here

Chicken out

11 comments:

  1. Ok. That was fantastic.

    1. I love Liz Smith. I need to read that book.
    2. Have you posted that letter to Stephen King? BECAUSE OMG, that is delicious.
    3. Fucking bastard stealing your ball.
    4. I don't think you are shallow. I think you have unplumbed depths.

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  2. Unplumbed depths? Oh, I think I like that Suniverse. Thank you. I have not published the letter to Stephen King, but if I find it I will surely do so one of these days. I write a lot of letters, though, often drunk. I'm sure there will be others.

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  3. I feel sure it was a dastardly criminal master mind who took your rubber ball. No doubt. Wait for the ransom notes that I feel sure will appear on your letterbox any day now.

    And exactly how much wine was consumed during the formulation of this post?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have no idea....but this was fun. Like a peek into the mind of crazy aunt Helga in the asylum.

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  5. This is what I think. I think your posts get funnier and more charming by the minute. I'm relieved about the house dress thing.

    I, too, have been slapped with the moniker of shallow a time or too. I wear my banner with pride.

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  6. Great post Chicken!

    CB

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  7. If I lived in rural Maine I would totally wear house dresses 24/7.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey! You won the giveaway over here. Email me with your vital stats, and your choice of card, and it'll be on the way.

    Thanks for playing.

    You gotta play to win...xo

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi QIMP-I agree, dastardly as the Penguin, that wanker. Believe it or not, no wine was consumed during the writing of this post. Or Vodka. Some days you just feel silly. Hormones?

    Hey Phoenix-nice to see you here:-)

    Joann-you, me, Chardonnay, some killer shoes, and People magazine. We'll be all set!

    CB-thank you-how are things?

    Elly Lou-bring your ukelele. We like your kind of homegrown music in Maine.

    Empress-wow, thank you. You made my day. I'm having some blog issues today but this makes it better. I'd like to thank the Academy. And your husband. I'll get that to you shortly!

    ReplyDelete
  10. "iGet it" = genius. haha

    clicked over from GDRP. love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi CMG-thank you for visiting and for the compliment:-)

    ReplyDelete

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