Weird Science: Sex Studies

Hi World,

As you all know, Men's Health is an excellent resource for anyone with a thirst for science.

Paradoxically, Men's Health is also an excellent resource to consult for information regarding women's sexuality. I learned a lot today from this article on crazy sex studies.  I do not know how many readers Men's Health has, but judging by the cost of ad space, it's a big number. Even if 50% of those readers are teenage boys looking for photos of women in school uniforms sans underwear, there apparently are also quite a few men out there searching for clues to the feminine mystique.  If those men included these sex studies in their research it is likely they are behaving in ways that don't seem to make a lot of sense to the women in their lives.

For the full study, please do consult the research, but, as a quick reference, I've put together this primer. When you find yourself asking, "What the hell could be going through his mind right now?", let  this be your guide. Pass it on to your women friends and do your part to further the species, as well as the occurrence of vaginal orgasms (which are apparently the only kind of orgasms worth counting).

• If he hands you  a pair of socks, he wants sex, but first he has to calm you down and make you feel safe.
• If he says you look sad and he wants to give you some of his mind altering medicine, he wants sex without a condom
• If he casually asks about your testosterone levels, he suspects that you may be masturbating on the side.  
• If he appears to be studying your mouth intensely, he's using your lip shape as a guide in judging your ability to achieve a vaginal orgasm.
• If he seems overly interested in the way you walk. he's trying to judge whether or not your pelvic muscles may be blocked, as this would affect your ability to have a vaginal orgasm. Chances are good he wouldn't know a blocked pelvic muscle from a mannequin, that's the funny part.  

I hope you found this helpful and have a new appreciation for the lengths your mate is willing to go to help you find your happy place. Not that most of us give a rat's ass where our orgasm originates, we're just so grateful to be having one at all.

For the male readers out there, just in case you have ever wondered what your four primal instincts are, here's a primer for you. Please take it with a grain of salt as clearly they missed the most important primal instinct ever-the ability to induce vaginal orgasms.

Note to everyone in the world:  Never, ever, under any circumstances, should you google "vagina images". Just don't.

Chicken out

chicken has a new appreciation for symbolism

Interview with a Designer

Hi World,

It's  Friday.  Fashion is a Two-Faced Bitch Friday,  to be exact.

I'm here today with Naomi Baloney,  independent  fashion designer, and former stylist for the Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Naomi recently produced the world's first line of clothing constructed entirely from table scraps.  After last week's runway show, Naomi's work is being described in high fashion circles as ground-breaking, ingenious and avante-garde.  And now she's here to tell us all about her amazing journey from Stylist to the Clowns to Runway Designer.  Naomi?

"Thanks Chicken.  I'm so happy to be here to share my love of fashion, and my exciting new line, with your readers. As you said, my clothes are made from 100% recycled  food scraps.  The crust you throw away today may be the sweater you wear tomorrow."

"That is really just so resourceful, Naomi.  How did you ever come up with the idea for this line?"

"That's a great question!  As a stylist with the circus, there's a lot of downtime. Clowns will wear anything!  I spent a lot of time with the animals. The elephants' quarters always had peanut shells scattered all over the place and one day I just looked at them and had an epitome, you know?  I noticed that the shape of the shell resembles a strapless bikini top and I thought, wouldn't it be ironic to make a bikini out of peanut shells?  So that was the start of the whole thing."

"Epiphany"

"What?"

"I think you meant you had an 'epiphany'"

"What?.....epipha what?  No, they didn't have any baby elephants,  these were all full-grown elephants." (bright smile)

"Pardon,  my mistake" (looks down into coffee-cup, tries to suppress smirk).  "Naomi, I'm  sure my readers are dying to know,  how do you keep the clothes from smelling like, well, rotting food?"

"We treat the table scraps first with a special formula, which breaks them down into fibers and removes the smell.  Then the fabric is woven and dyed, all before the garment is constructed.  For instance, the first piece in the line, the bandeau bikini, is made entirely from peanuts, but it doesn't  look like peanuts anymore, does it Chicken"

"Amazing!  How many peanuts does it take to make one  bathing suit?"

"We use just the shells, but it takes a lot.  About 500 lbs of peanut shells go into every suit"

"That's a lot of peanuts, Naomi! Where do you get that many peanut shells?"

"We source them from places like 5 Guys Burgers and Texas Road House, and of course the circus. They've been  very generous."

"Aren't you afraid that fish might be attracted to the bikini and try to eat it?"

"Don't be silly,  Chicken, fish don't eat peanuts.   That's why we made the peanuts into bathing suits and not safari gear. There's virtually no risk."

"To clarify, are you saying you shouldn't wear the bathing suit around animals you might see on a safari? Like...say....elephants?"

"Well that's just stupid, Chicken.  Why would anyone wear a bathing suit on a safari?"

"Can you answer the question,  Miss Baloney?  Are these bathing suits, in fact, unsafe for wear around elephants"

"Yes.  Yes, ok?  They shouldn't be worn around elephants.  It says that right on the label.  But that would be stupid and no one would do that."  (rolls eyes dramatically.  False eyelash falls loose, lands in Chicken's coffee.  Chicken drinks coffee black, thus drinks eyelash.  Recycled eyelash.)

"No you're right, I'm sure nobody has ever worn a bathing suit on safari or to the zoo or the circus or anywhere around any elephants.  But why don't we move on. Tell us about some of the other materials you use."

"OK sure! Here we have a lovely summer dress made from eggplant and green bean scraps. The color combination is striking, isn't it?  And over here we have a sweater made from left over mashed potatoes.   It's warmer than cashmere and so soft!  You  could pair it with that moto jacket over there, made entirely of baked potato skins-looks like leather, right? Oh, and this is fun!  This red carpet gown is hand stitched with 3 million individual pieces of Near East rice pilaf on a base of steamed tomato skins.  Isn't it amaze? "

"Amazing.  It's amazing"

"Rachel Zoe says 'Amaze' and so do I.  That's the way designers talk."

"Cray cray"

"I know, right?   Look, this scarf is made from leftover vegetarian lasagna.  Perfect for fall layering"

"That brings up an interesting question, are there any leftovers you won't recycle into clothing, Naomi?."

"We don't use any meat products.  We're vegan.  If it has a face, we don't make clothes out of it. That would be cruel.  We do, however, use meat cubes in the construction of some products, namely outerwear and boots."

"Naomi, it has been truly interesting.  We are almost out of time, but we do have one more question from a reader.  Pearl from Minnesota is on the line and she'd like to know if you make lederhosen from leftover Catnip?"

"Hi  Pearl. We don't currently make catnip lederhosen, but we do take on special assignments.  Ask Chicken  for my contact information after the show and we'll talk."

"Thank you, Naomi.  You're amaze.  Literally.  And there you  have it, folks, the first ever line of clothing constructed from recycled food scraps. It's Table to Closet styling, the latest fashion trend."

Don't wear this around elephants.  Or elephant seals.

Chicken  out